Tinder Scam Profiles – Always “I’m deployed”

I’ve been playing  on Tinder now for a couple of months and although it has gotten better there is still Scammer Profiles that pop up.  Part of me being me is that I have a near photographic memory and I find patterns in information it’s what made me very very very good in my career as an Information Management specialist.

The below is just my opinion and it’s specific to male profiles since I’m not bi or gay  my Tinder profile is set as “Female Looking For Male” so I have no idea what female scammers do.

The male scammer profile has a tendency to be as follows.

  1. Limited to one photo – occasionally 2
  2. Photo will be some guy in a Military Uniform, if there is 2 photos one might be in normal clothes (scammers are getting smarter about this)
  3. Profile location will be a gazillion kilometres away from you to make it look like they are deployed
  4. They don’t list qualifications
  5. They have some vague description of job like “Engineer in Deployed Location”
  6. Normally in the age range of 35 to 45 (that could possibly just be my preference settings)
  7. They will tell you their marital status is one of 3 things (this normally comes up in conversation after they figure out which one is more likely to push you sympathy button)
    • Widowed (less popular these days)
    • Recently divorced because she couldn’t handily his job
    • Single forever because his job makes it impossible to get a relationship going
  8. Their profile “about me” will be very generic but not really tell you a whole lot apart from probably hight, lonely, deployed etc.
  9. The topic of children will not be on the “about me” because they want to find out if either you have kids, want kids or don’t have/don’t want.

They used to just flat out after the first “hi how are you” ask for your KiK, Whats App, email, mobile number or whatever but they’ve got a bit smarter and now do a bit of digging to see if you’re a suitable target.

The script seems to go something like this:

  •  “Hi I’m so glad we matched I real like your profile”
  • “How long have you been on Tinder”
  • “I’ve only just started on Tinder this week still trying to get an idea of how it works” (they are hoping you haven’t seen their profile for the last 6 months and clicked NO)
  • “How long have you been single” (e.g. how desperate are you to be in a relationship and how easy are you to hook into a scam)
  • “Do you have children” – followed by “do you want kids, I’ve always wanted kids, my x has my kids and won’t let me see them”
  • “Where do you live” (normally asked so if you give them your phone number they know what country code to plug in because most people don’t think to give that info when suppling a mobile number)
  • “What do you do for a living”
  • “Have you ever communicated with a soldier”

At this point in time they normally vanish off my profile so I have no idea what comes next but I’m guessing it’s

  • “We’re really not supposed to use these types of apps while deployed can I talk to you via Facebook, KiK, Whats App, Email or text to your phone”

Why do they stop talking to me, delete our perfect match and block me – I used to work for Defence and I still have my security clearance and I love saying things like.  “Oh I’ve got lots of soldiers I talk to online because I worked for Defence, which when you think about it makes it easier for us because if we do start dating it’ll be really easy to cross-reference your security clearance” and POOF INSTANTLY THEY VANISH.

I’ve also had them instantly vanish when I ask things like

  • “you just told me you work for the US Army why does your profile pic have you in a UK Royal Marines Uniform”
  • “If you are in the USMC why are you wearing an Army Uniform”
  • “If you are deployed in XYZ province why are you on Tinder, doesn’t it breach the current communication restriction rules”
  • “If Tinder isn’t allowed because it has a GPS location component why would you be allowed to use FaceBook, KIK, Whats App they all have the same GPS algorithm”

As I said this is just my opinion but “I’m a deployed soldier” seems to be the latest hook for women looking for a nice guy on things like Tinder.  Personally it really shits me off because I do have friends who are or have been deployed in war zones around the globe and lack of ability to communicate with the outside world can do some serious damage to their mental health and make them feel incredibly isolated.

So next time you’re chatting to a supposedly deployed soldier offer to become a pen pal and ask for his snail mail address or his military e-mail address.  If they are a scammer snail mail will be rejected instantly and you’ll probably get offered a @gmail or @hotmail email address.  Instantly plug the email address into google and see if it pops on any scam sites, they tend to be remarkably dumb about changing addresses.


SBS Show - How to Find Love Online, Uncategorized

SBS Show – How to Find Love Online

Generally as a rule I’m not one for just watching TV I tend to bing watch on Netflix while crocheting baby blankets but every now and then I’ll catch an ad for something that I’ll make a point of watching.

On Sunday 12th June I made a point of watching “How To Find Love Online” on SBS (hyperlinked to the On Demand version), mainly because the ad I sore for it made me dead curious.

The official blurb from SBS is – The Internet has transformed every part of our lives and is now changing arguably the most important part – our love lives. Internet dating is now the second most common way that couples meet. But what is the best way to make the online search for love successful? What are the ‘matchmaking’ algorithms that the big companies use? Do they really deliver the goods, or is it just clever marketing and actually a giant con? And is there really any science involved? Dr Hannah Fry and Dr Xand Van Tulleken investigate. (From the UK) (Documentary) G CC.

My main reason for wanting to watch it was because it was a rare view of online dating from a males point of view.  Think about it 99% of blogs, articles, documentaries or books on the subject of online dating are written by women for women and from a women’s point of view.  So a rare glimpse into the male mindset on the subject is a not to be missed opportunity.

I found out some fascinating things watching this show

  1. Men get as frustrated and fed up as women do with the fake profiles, bad dates and being the only single left in your group of family/friends.
  2. E-harmony has one advantage over other sites it’s in-depth (and irritating) questions do weed out narcissistic and sociopathic personalities.  So if anyone you’re on a date with tells you e-harmony couldn’t match them run away very fast.
  3. Photos matter – Doesn’t matter if we girls are looking for a breeder, feeder, toy-boy or travel buddy if they have photos of themselves smiling and doing outdoors activities especially with pets we’re more likely to click “like” than if the photos are idiotic, indoors or unsmiling and the revers is true men like their women healthy, happy and active.
  4. Nice guy profiles don’t cut it – we (the female of the species) apparently prefer the warrior over the caring type so men should put things like “worked in deployed environments” rather than “worked for UN in refugee camps helping abused women” (Are we really that fickle? *ok yeah I am I like men in uniform sigh*)
  5. Suggestion of Like or Dislike works – if someone tells you that these people are perfect for you and you matched really well you’re actually more likely to like them than if you’re told you’ll dislike everyone in the group.
  6. Optimum Stopping Theory will incrust your probability of meeting someone if you’re using a swipe and gripe program like Tinder.

Out of all of the information the Optimum Stopping Theory was the most fascinating.  To put it simply if you give yourself a limit of 100 profiles to view and then swipe no to the first 37 and then stop on the first profile between 38 and 100 you’ve interested in the likelihood of finding true love by 37% better than just randomly swiping like or dislike.  Sounds nuts but when using a swipe and gripe program like Tinder any advantage is helpful.  I really wanted to try this theory but Tinder apparently has some issue working on my phone and keeps putting a pop-up message telling me to log in despite the fact I’m logged in and using the app.

If you’ve never used a program like Tinder you’re wondering why I call it a Swipe and Gripe app.  The way Tinder works is you look at a photo and swipe left for not interested and swipe right for interested and then spend enormous amounts of time griping to your friends about how crap the dates you go on are.

Jane Austen - Rules on Dating, Uncategorized

The Jane Austen Rules

Photo on 14-01-16 at 8.35 AM

I picked this book up at my local library mainly because I’ve read the book called THE RULES and this book very much pokes fun at the advice given in THE RULES.

The Jane Austen Rules – A Classic Guide to Modern Love is only 135 pages long and the writing style makes it both easy to read and easy to understand.   It only has 11 chapters and you can easily read a chapter in under 30 min so even if you only read 2 chapters a day you’d be done in a week.

I’ll admit I’m not a big Jane Austen fan and have only ever actually read one of her books “Emma” and the only reason I read it was because of the name.  I mean who is going to resist reading a book who’s title happens to be your name.  Until reading this little gem I had actually managed to totally forget the characters and plot of  Emma and considering I have a near photographic memory for me to forget everything other than the name of a book says a lot about what I thought of Jane Austen novels.

The Jane Austen Rules – A Classic Guide to Modern Love actually does a remarkably good job of pointing out how the main female characters in Jane Austen novels did not in fact follow the conventional “rules” which in Regency England 200 years ago where written in book with titles like The Lady’s Guide to Perfect Gentility (New York 1857).

Sinead Murphy (the author) makes an excellent point that the information provided in the etiquette and conduct books from Jane Austen’s time on how to attract a suitable husband isn’t a whole lot different to the books like The Rules written 200 years later but with the same purpose.  Sadly she is correct I’ve actually read historical books on expected etiquette and conduct of young ladies who are to be presented to soicety and they have fascinating advice like

  • you should appear to be interested in whatever your dancing partner is talking about
  • don’t engage in conversation unless he initiates it,
  • don’t appear to be to intelligent,
  • always be perfectly presented
  • when seated ensure you are sitting at the front of the chair to avoid the temptation of leaning on the back rest and ensure you sit upright at all times
  • always smile and laugh at his jokes even if you are not amused or do not understand them

Sadly you can find nearly identical advice in just about every book, blog, YouTube or advice article available today (so much for progress!!)

The central theme of The Jane Austen Rules – A Classic Guide to Modern Love is simple be a real women with real interests, real hobbies, a real life and a real brain because that is what attracts real men.

Head vs Heart or Brains vs Brawn

Head vs Heart or Brains vs Brawn

When I was a very little girl a friend of my mums who was very into what today would be termed “pagan beliefs” noticed something a little odd about my hands or rather my palms.  How odd I hear you ask?  Odd enough that it makes me a statistical abnormality.  Most people’s palms are roughly the same and both left/right palms will add or remove lines as you age.  However roughly 4% of the population have plans that will not change because they have what is know as the Simian Line running across both their left and right palms.

Simian Line

I however don’t have similar palms in fact my palms are so totally different they could belong to 2 separate people.  I’ve never really paid much attention to Palmistry so I never really cared that my palms are so odd all I knew was that people at Wiccan, Pagan and Tarot events I went to would get really really really hyper excited when they spotted my palms.

While I was in the USA last year sating at The Harbour Lights Inn (really recommend staying there) Marblehead MA USA I hiked my ass into Salem and because it was Halloween and well hell I was in Salem I forked out the cost of going to see a “reader”.  He was amazing in his ability with his cards and just as we finished I noticed something interesting, like me the line on his right hand went right across his palm.  As it turned out I was wrong it was actually a scar but he did spend the time at no cost to me to explain why people get so hyper excited about my palms.  My right hand has a Simian Line (head/heart combined) with no gaps, breaks or deviations.  My left hand however is totally the opposite I have very distinct head, heart and life lines and none of them link.  To have two so radically different palms is a genetic oddity in itself to have one of them be a Simian Line Palm is something like a less than 1% chance for the entire populations and for it to be on a girl is apparently almost impossible.

So why am I babbling on about having a Simian Line Palm on my right hand.  Apparently according to Palmistry it means that my head and heart lines are fused and since my right hand is my dominant hand it is totally impossible for me to make any decision without both my head and heart bing completely in agreement with each other.

How I hear you ask is this relevant to dating or any type of relationship?  I was never one of those girls and still aren’t actually who could just jump in the sack and have sex with some random stranger I have to get to know and like someone before I’m going to boff his brains out.  I always put it down to trust issues, which it probably partly is but according to the world of Palmistry it boils down to simple biology – my body might be going OH HELL YEAH HOT DAME but if my brain goes BORING it;s not going to happen.

I’ve had this discussion over the years (drunk and sober) with a variety of people and it came up again recently and I always find it really hard to explain why I can’t sleep with dumb guys.  The fact I don’t do one night stands or even a quick fling seems to surprise people but the fact that my head and heart have to be in alinement for me to find you sexy just baffles people.

Trust me I have tried to overcome this little personality quirk I mean when you’ve got some guy hitting on you that is as buff as  Daniel Freuerrigel for his role in Spartacus my body is going OH HELLS YEAH! Then he opens his mouth and has the gymbo vocabulary of “I AM GROOT” my brain instantly goes OMFG NOOOOOO and flicks the switch from interested to uninterested in a heart beat.

(Disclaimer here – Dan is actually a really intelligent guy and a brilliant actor)

Daniel Freuerrigel as Agron in Spartacus

Daniel Freuerrigel as Agron in Spartacus

The opposite is that when I meet really intelligent guys who in their own geeky way are kind of cute along the lines of Johnny Depp in The Ninth Gate my brain goes OH Hells yeah dude with a brain and my body goes Meh he’s not that buff NEXT,

Johnny Depp - The Ninth Gate

Johnny Depp – The Ninth Gate

From what girlfriends over the years have told me guys without much brain power are either not that imaginative in bed or require training but once trained tend to do exactly as requested (guess that could have its upside).  I have actually had this discussion with guy friends over the years as well and apparently the equivalent to the Himbo-gymbo is the Barbi-gymbo who looks amazing but who’s bedroom skills stop at the Star-Fishing. I had no idea what Star-Fishing was till it was explained exactly as follow “you know she lies there like an almost dead starfish at the beach and anytime you touch her or poke her she makes these odd squeaking sounds”.

So where do you stand on the Brains Vs Brawn or Head Vs Heart debate?  Can you do it can you totally ignore the fact that  it’s likely to be missionary position sex with zero conversation afterward or like me does your brain have to be in tune with your body for the big O to happen?

Disconnected From Reality

Disconnected From Reality

We’re now up to 2010 so by now I had been husband hunting for 7 years.  Between my last date and this one I had died twice in one night, survived cancer, permanently lost my ability to have kids at 33, had two family members unexpectedly die finishing my Psychology degree, moved from the Sunshine Coast to Melbourne and survived a major depressive episode that required 2 years of antidepressants and therapy just to function so I figured it really didn’t matter what hand-grenades life tossed in my path I would be able to deal with it.

For the entire 18 months I lived in Melbourne I went on 1 date and it was close to the end of my stay down there after I’d successfully come off my antidepressants and seemed to be coping ok.  Emotionally I was still relatively numb so when things that would once of stressed me out happened I didn’t really react much which considering this date was probably a good thing.

I got sent on this date by a guy who specialises in finding rich men the next wife.  Despite the fact I was a bigger lady which would normally have meant he didn’t take me on as a client, I fitted a niche field he was having problems finding women to fill he termed it the “end of career to regiment wife”.  Basically he was looking for women in their late 30s to early 40s who were intelligent, childless, presentable and above all else not interested in having kids.  WHY?  He had clients on the books who’d done the first wife, gone through the mid-life divorce marry Barbie doll thing and now wanted a wife who didn’t have kids and wouldn’t want them who would be an asset to their career and enjoy early remittent with them while still active and able to adventure their way around the world together in 5 start luxury.  Since my profile is childless, 3 university degrees, interesting career background, still healthy and active, under 50, reasonable attractive if a little over weight and most importantly totally unable to have kids – I was THE perfect candidate.  He was so desperate to have me on the book he even put me on for free and considering his normal charge is between $250, 000 and $500,000 for 6 months membership depending on your “spousal requirements” a free membership says volumes about how marketable I was.

So I was set up with a guy who was apparently in his mid 40s, owned his own international business and several properties in Melbourne and overseas and was somewhere between uber-wealthy and Millionaire in the personal wealth scale.  On the phone he seemed a little odd but I put it down to him working at the same time as talking to me (I could hear the keyboard keys clicking in the background as we spoke).  He told me he was over 6 foot tall and looked a lot like Gary Ablett (he’s a famous Melbourne AFL Player see Photo below fro reference).

Gary Ablett Geelong AFL Club

Gary Ablett Geelong AFL Club

So the appointed day and time came around and I dressed up in date clothes which naturally included my fire engine red 4 inch heels.  I’m 5 foot 7inches tall so with 4 inch heels I stand just under 6 foot the supposed hight of my date.  I’m punctual to the point of irritating and I’m not overly found of being kept waiting my anyone let alone someone I’m meeting for a date.  When he was over 15 min late I rang and watched as the just over 5 foot 7 inch tall, rail thin, bald guy in a badly fitting suite across the road answered his phone and I mentally ground just knowing this was the guy I was supposed to be meeting and sure enough I was correct.

The fact he was shorter, skinnier and balder and than expected I could deal with but when he got up close enough for me to really see him I discovered he was totally hairless.  I’m intelligent enough to know it was a medical condition but it was still creepy that this guy had no hair at all, no facial hair, no eye lashes, no hair on his head and no eyebrows.  Oddly it was the no eyebrows that creeped me out the most. Have you ever tried holding a conversation with someone without eyebrows it is harder than you would think and until them I never realised how much I read someones facial expressions to ensure I’m understanding what is being said to me.

After the initial hi how are you shake hands thing I let him pick the coffee shop and out of all the coffee shops in St Kilda to go to he picked the worst one so I knew he didn’t regularly drink coffee in St Kilda despite the fact he’d told me on the phone he lived in St Kilda.  He hadn’t said much by the time we’d ordered coffee and despite the fact the place we were having coffee only had 4 options (flat white, long black, cappuccino or late) it took him over 20 min to make up his mind what coffee to have.  Thankfully the coffee was delivered quickly and wasn’t to hot to drink quickly because this guy was driving me nuts.

If I asked him a question like “did you grow up in Melbourne” his response was a disconnected rant about how the current governments immigration policy was running the country into the ground or “what business are you in” got a rant on how women really should never be put in areas of management in business as they were to emotional to really be effective and so on and so forth.

The other irritating as hell thing about this guy was he did everything in slow motions.  When he blinked you could count the seconds it would take for his eyes to close and reopen (about 6), to put sugar in his coffee he took over 2 minutes and to stir it in took even longer.  But the most irritating thing was he intently watched any movement someone made like kids study bugs so as the girl delivered the coffee he stopped mid rant about something and intently watch every move she made.

When I was nearly finished my coffee I went to pee mainly because I really really really needed to get away from this guy even if it was only for 5 minutes and when i came back he’d gone.  The bar girl was clearing the table when i got back and we had a bit of a conversation about my odd date and her advise was “honey you’re an attractive lady if you decide to give up on the creepy guys come look me up”, I just laughed and thanked her.

I went home and told me housemate about the date who rolled around laughing her ass off.  From that point on I have only been on 2 more coffees date both of which were while I was working FIFO and neither of them were memorable enough to blog about in detail.

The First In Person Experience

The First In Person – Original Contracts

While de-cluttering my life over the last few months I found a lot of stuff that I needed to put through the shredder.  One of the things that ended up in the shredder pile and has now been turned into something useful (mulch for dads potato patch) was my contract and the Code of Ethics for the First In Person Relationship Consultancy Firm.

Looking back on it the $1650 ($261.50 per fortnight) I paid to be a Gold (VIP) Member for 3 months wasn’t all that much but at the time I was very broke, had debits to pay off and was on a low pay check.  Actually my pay check back then was probably more than I currently make but I was as I said paying off my car and credit cards plus add in general living expenses like rent, fuel, food, phone and medication and my income was just covering my expenses so the $261.50 per fortnight was an irritating bill and considering the bad service and horrible dates it was a painful lesson to learn.

I’ve deliberately blurred out the name of the firm to ensure no legal issues can pop up because knowing my luck with this firm they’d probably find this and sue me for being nasty with my opinion about them.



Mr Cone Head

Mr Cone Head

I’m 99% sure by this stage my file had been marked with the words “fussy” and “problem client” because my final two dates were the last straw and proved to me the dating agency from hell was either struggling to find dates for me to go on or was deliberately sending me on bad dates so I’d give up and go away.

I have very little recollection of this date apart from the fact that Mr Cone Head worked in construction and he had a pet python, which he brought to the date with him and his physical appearance. It was his head or rather the shape of his head that stuck in my mind it was so odd I will probably never forget it.

The bottom half of his face at the jaw area was very square but then at the top of his cheek bones his face narrow inwards. Not unusual you might think since this is what most people’s faces do. However this guy’s face narrowed so sharply that his eye sockets touched in the middle of his face and his forehead was pointed. Since he had a badly receding hairline the fact his forehead ended in a point was very obvious.

When he turned his head to look at the cakes on display at the counter I discovered his entire head was like this and he actually had a cone shaped head. It was completely bizarre and to be honest a little creepy, I spent most of the date focusing on his pet python so I didn’t stare at his forehead. Honestly it looked like someone had squeezed the top half of his head in a vice and I kept wanting to ask what had happened to make his head like this. However I was raised to have good manners so I didn’t