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I’m out of ideas!

As you would have noticed I haven’t written for this blog site for a while.  It’s not because I’m lazy it was because I was a little busy trying to fix my mental, physical and emotional health problems.  Why did I stop the whole husband hunt side of things while I was doing this?  I realised while having a massive mental health crisis that there wasn’t much point in husband hunting to find someone who’d love me if I didn’t even really like me let alone love myself.

As it turns out I’m high functioning autistic with communication difficulties and co-morbid ADHD so fixing me isn’t going to happen but learning to love me as me has happened.  Medication for the ADHD means I can now sit still for more than 2 minutes and have a conversation without it taking a huge amount of effort to stay on topic.  No medication will help with my autism but behavioural therapy is helping me learn that emotionally and mentally I’m wired a little differently so I’m never going to be “normal”, which is fine and I’m leaning better coping skills, social skills and how to not make stupid chaos making decisions.  If you want full details on the whole autistic side of my life go read The Cutting Cookies Circus my blog all about my diagnostic journey and autistic view of life.

So I’m now closing in on 18 months of being in the care of my amazing Psychiatrist and 14 months of working with my incredibly paitent Psychologist for behavioural therapy.  I’ve started my own business Aunty Emz Blankets started joining social networks with the help of my business buddy Crystal C & A Beauty By Design both to meet people and to build business contact here on the Sunshine Coast, joined 2 book clubs and so on and so forth.  Basically I’ve started to build a life here on the Sunshine Coast and for the foreseeable future I will be staying here so I decided it was time to put my big girl panties on and gratefully glide back into the dating world.

As you’ve probably guessed by the title of this blog I’ve hit a bit of a glitch with my plan to gracefully glide back into the dating world as a fully formed, loving thy self goddess that I am.

WHATS THE PROBLEM

I have no idea how to find eligible bachelors to date on the Sunshine Coast!

  • Bar/Pub/Club – ah no because I don’t drink alcohol, I’m autistic and frankly if you’re over 30 and still looking for husband material in bar/pub/club you are in all probability going to end up with an alcoholic fuck-wit or a toy boy looking for a sugar mama
  • Match Maker (Relationship Consultancy Service) – they either no longer exist because they’ve been wiped out by the Online versions or the Sunshine Coast doesn’t have any I’m not sure which but either way I can’t find even one to go talk to.
  • Internet Dating Sites/Mobile Apps – The free to use ones are frankly shit I know I’ve tried most of them and if I’m going to pay for the privilege of been sent on bad dates I at least want the ability to walk into an office and talk to a living, breathing human about improving the process.
  • Speed Dating – not one speed dating company runs any events on the Sunshine Coast.  Closest event I can find is in Brisbane (roughly 2 hours south of where I live) so the event might cost $20 to attend but add in petrol, parking, post event stress triggered therapy and I’d be looking at upwards of $150 in real costs.  Plus if I did actually make a mutual match with an eligible bachelor he’d be living anywhere from 2 to 4 hours drive away from where I live so not exactly a good start (especially when you’re unemployed yet again and petrol is around $1.25 to $1.38 a litre).
  • MeetUp Groups – yeah nah one thing I’ve learnt about being autistic is I am never going to be comfortable with meeting a whole bunch of new people at once and unfortunately all my girl pals here on the coast are not single so they can’t join and come as my security blanket. Plus looking at the age groups at 43 I’m in the no group for you range.  I did look and found social single groups for 25-35, 30-40 and 50+ all of which make a point if telling you that you must show proof of age when first attending and if you’ve fib on your application and are too old/young for the group you’ve attempted to join you’ll be removed from the group and blocked from their social media sites.
  • Table For 6 (or similar) – ummmm no for a couple of reasons like cost because you have to pay either a 6-12 month membership fee plus you pay for your meal every time you attend an event.  I’m currently unemployed (again) and the Aunty Emz Blankets as yet isn’t making money so what little money I have is being spent on things like food, petrol, medication, Psychiatrist visit and other things I need to stay alive and healthy.  Plus when you start digging into the T&Cs they state that even though you’ve faithfully paid your 6 or 12 month membership fee there is no guarantee you’ll ever actually get a spot on a table in the time period of your membership it all depends on the amount of people in the age group they will put you in so to many or to few in your age group and you miss out on a spot.
  • Team Sport or Group Anything – do not even go there people I’m autistic I don’t do TEAM or GROUP anything.  Hell I even have a mini panic attack turning up to my pilate classe at CGM Pilates and I’ve been going there for 2 months so it’s not like I’ve never met my class mates or instructor before I see them every week.

So I’m 100% out of ideas – please feel free to comment with suggestions, advice and possible good ideas oh hell even possibly bad ideas would be welcome at this point in time.

 

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Tinder Scam Profiles – Always “I’m deployed”

I’ve been playing  on Tinder now for a couple of months and although it has gotten better there is still Scammer Profiles that pop up.  Part of me being me is that I have a near photographic memory and I find patterns in information it’s what made me very very very good in my career as an Information Management specialist.

The below is just my opinion and it’s specific to male profiles since I’m not bi or gay  my Tinder profile is set as “Female Looking For Male” so I have no idea what female scammers do.

The male scammer profile has a tendency to be as follows.

  1. Limited to one photo – occasionally 2
  2. Photo will be some guy in a Military Uniform, if there is 2 photos one might be in normal clothes (scammers are getting smarter about this)
  3. Profile location will be a gazillion kilometres away from you to make it look like they are deployed
  4. They don’t list qualifications
  5. They have some vague description of job like “Engineer in Deployed Location”
  6. Normally in the age range of 35 to 45 (that could possibly just be my preference settings)
  7. They will tell you their marital status is one of 3 things (this normally comes up in conversation after they figure out which one is more likely to push you sympathy button)
    • Widowed (less popular these days)
    • Recently divorced because she couldn’t handily his job
    • Single forever because his job makes it impossible to get a relationship going
  8. Their profile “about me” will be very generic but not really tell you a whole lot apart from probably hight, lonely, deployed etc.
  9. The topic of children will not be on the “about me” because they want to find out if either you have kids, want kids or don’t have/don’t want.

They used to just flat out after the first “hi how are you” ask for your KiK, Whats App, email, mobile number or whatever but they’ve got a bit smarter and now do a bit of digging to see if you’re a suitable target.

The script seems to go something like this:

  •  “Hi I’m so glad we matched I real like your profile”
  • “How long have you been on Tinder”
  • “I’ve only just started on Tinder this week still trying to get an idea of how it works” (they are hoping you haven’t seen their profile for the last 6 months and clicked NO)
  • “How long have you been single” (e.g. how desperate are you to be in a relationship and how easy are you to hook into a scam)
  • “Do you have children” – followed by “do you want kids, I’ve always wanted kids, my x has my kids and won’t let me see them”
  • “Where do you live” (normally asked so if you give them your phone number they know what country code to plug in because most people don’t think to give that info when suppling a mobile number)
  • “What do you do for a living”
  • “Have you ever communicated with a soldier”

At this point in time they normally vanish off my profile so I have no idea what comes next but I’m guessing it’s

  • “We’re really not supposed to use these types of apps while deployed can I talk to you via Facebook, KiK, Whats App, Email or text to your phone”

Why do they stop talking to me, delete our perfect match and block me – I used to work for Defence and I still have my security clearance and I love saying things like.  “Oh I’ve got lots of soldiers I talk to online because I worked for Defence, which when you think about it makes it easier for us because if we do start dating it’ll be really easy to cross-reference your security clearance” and POOF INSTANTLY THEY VANISH.

I’ve also had them instantly vanish when I ask things like

  • “you just told me you work for the US Army why does your profile pic have you in a UK Royal Marines Uniform”
  • “If you are in the USMC why are you wearing an Army Uniform”
  • “If you are deployed in XYZ province why are you on Tinder, doesn’t it breach the current communication restriction rules”
  • “If Tinder isn’t allowed because it has a GPS location component why would you be allowed to use FaceBook, KIK, Whats App they all have the same GPS algorithm”

As I said this is just my opinion but “I’m a deployed soldier” seems to be the latest hook for women looking for a nice guy on things like Tinder.  Personally it really shits me off because I do have friends who are or have been deployed in war zones around the globe and lack of ability to communicate with the outside world can do some serious damage to their mental health and make them feel incredibly isolated.

So next time you’re chatting to a supposedly deployed soldier offer to become a pen pal and ask for his snail mail address or his military e-mail address.  If they are a scammer snail mail will be rejected instantly and you’ll probably get offered a @gmail or @hotmail email address.  Instantly plug the email address into google and see if it pops on any scam sites, they tend to be remarkably dumb about changing addresses.

 

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Head vs Heart or Brains vs Brawn

Head vs Heart or Brains vs Brawn

When I was a very little girl a friend of my mums who was very into what today would be termed “pagan beliefs” noticed something a little odd about my hands or rather my palms.  How odd I hear you ask?  Odd enough that it makes me a statistical abnormality.  Most people’s palms are roughly the same and both left/right palms will add or remove lines as you age.  However roughly 4% of the population have plans that will not change because they have what is know as the Simian Line running across both their left and right palms.

Simian Line

I however don’t have similar palms in fact my palms are so totally different they could belong to 2 separate people.  I’ve never really paid much attention to Palmistry so I never really cared that my palms are so odd all I knew was that people at Wiccan, Pagan and Tarot events I went to would get really really really hyper excited when they spotted my palms.

While I was in the USA last year sating at The Harbour Lights Inn (really recommend staying there) Marblehead MA USA I hiked my ass into Salem and because it was Halloween and well hell I was in Salem I forked out the cost of going to see a “reader”.  He was amazing in his ability with his cards and just as we finished I noticed something interesting, like me the line on his right hand went right across his palm.  As it turned out I was wrong it was actually a scar but he did spend the time at no cost to me to explain why people get so hyper excited about my palms.  My right hand has a Simian Line (head/heart combined) with no gaps, breaks or deviations.  My left hand however is totally the opposite I have very distinct head, heart and life lines and none of them link.  To have two so radically different palms is a genetic oddity in itself to have one of them be a Simian Line Palm is something like a less than 1% chance for the entire populations and for it to be on a girl is apparently almost impossible.

So why am I babbling on about having a Simian Line Palm on my right hand.  Apparently according to Palmistry it means that my head and heart lines are fused and since my right hand is my dominant hand it is totally impossible for me to make any decision without both my head and heart bing completely in agreement with each other.

How I hear you ask is this relevant to dating or any type of relationship?  I was never one of those girls and still aren’t actually who could just jump in the sack and have sex with some random stranger I have to get to know and like someone before I’m going to boff his brains out.  I always put it down to trust issues, which it probably partly is but according to the world of Palmistry it boils down to simple biology – my body might be going OH HELL YEAH HOT DAME but if my brain goes BORING it;s not going to happen.

I’ve had this discussion over the years (drunk and sober) with a variety of people and it came up again recently and I always find it really hard to explain why I can’t sleep with dumb guys.  The fact I don’t do one night stands or even a quick fling seems to surprise people but the fact that my head and heart have to be in alinement for me to find you sexy just baffles people.

Trust me I have tried to overcome this little personality quirk I mean when you’ve got some guy hitting on you that is as buff as  Daniel Freuerrigel for his role in Spartacus my body is going OH HELLS YEAH! Then he opens his mouth and has the gymbo vocabulary of “I AM GROOT” my brain instantly goes OMFG NOOOOOO and flicks the switch from interested to uninterested in a heart beat.

(Disclaimer here – Dan is actually a really intelligent guy and a brilliant actor)

Daniel Freuerrigel as Agron in Spartacus

Daniel Freuerrigel as Agron in Spartacus

The opposite is that when I meet really intelligent guys who in their own geeky way are kind of cute along the lines of Johnny Depp in The Ninth Gate my brain goes OH Hells yeah dude with a brain and my body goes Meh he’s not that buff NEXT,

Johnny Depp - The Ninth Gate

Johnny Depp – The Ninth Gate

From what girlfriends over the years have told me guys without much brain power are either not that imaginative in bed or require training but once trained tend to do exactly as requested (guess that could have its upside).  I have actually had this discussion with guy friends over the years as well and apparently the equivalent to the Himbo-gymbo is the Barbi-gymbo who looks amazing but who’s bedroom skills stop at the Star-Fishing. I had no idea what Star-Fishing was till it was explained exactly as follow “you know she lies there like an almost dead starfish at the beach and anytime you touch her or poke her she makes these odd squeaking sounds”.

So where do you stand on the Brains Vs Brawn or Head Vs Heart debate?  Can you do it can you totally ignore the fact that  it’s likely to be missionary position sex with zero conversation afterward or like me does your brain have to be in tune with your body for the big O to happen?

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Mr Verbal Diarrhoea

Mr Verbal Diarrhoea

Another weekend and another dreaded date organised by the dating agency from hell was fast approaching.  By this stage I’d given up expecting any of these dates to go well but I was still putting my best foot forward and my best foot was normally shod in 4 inch hand made fire engine red heels.  As it turned out this guy was actually quite attractive, not my type thank god because when he opened his mouth the sexy exterior didn’t make up for the verbal diarrhoea.

Basically the first words out of his mouths where how he didn’t date fat chicks he had only agreed to meet me because Carman had personally asked him to do it so the company could meet its contractual obligations. He then went on to ask me if I thought he had any chance of getting it on with Carmen, wasn’t she just the perfect babe, like if she looked that hot in cloths imagine how awesome she would be in the sack and so on and so forth.  Having never met the woman in person I have no idea what she looked like but if she was built and dressed anything like Marry my original consultant when she interviewed this guy then I’m guessing she was cross between hooker and looker.

He then started babbling about how he’d been fat and wasn’t he totally amazing since he got thin, how he wasn’t going to work till he cracked the modelling industry (that was never going to happen he wasn’t that sexy). He then went on to tell me all about his relationship that had broken up because he’d got fat and how that had motivated him to get thin again. How he’d decided dating women was better they were less judgmental than his ex-boyfriend had ever been and so on and so forth.

By this time my eyes had glazed over and I was mentally doing other things like planning what to send my nephews for Christmas. At some point I tuned back in and he was babbling on about working in a pet shop and how it was his job to clean the cages and how when you have to worm the animals all this poo comes out of them and it looks like spaghetti and meat sauce.

Since I couldn’t get this guy to shut up I asked the cafe staff for the the key and directions to the lady’s room with the intention of running away afterward. Didn’t quite work out that way he followed me to the bathroom and was waiting for me when I came out of the ladies room. I seriously thought about turning around and going back inside and climbing out the window to escape but the ladies room is unfortunately on the second floor of the building above the cafe and a fitted skirt and 4 inch heels are not the easiest thing to climb out a window and shimmy down a drain pipe in.  So I ended up going back to the coffee shop with him and after 3 more coffees and 2 hours later I was busting to pee so once again I asked the staff for the key but this time as i collected it I told the waiter to send one of the girls up in a couple of minutes to collect the key.

After I peed I cracked the door opened and listened and sure enough I could here Mr Verbal Diarrhoea chatting to the waitress as they came up the stairs toward the bathrooms.  At this point my fight or flight instinct took over and since running down the stairs would mean going past them I took the only other options I had I cracked open the window, checked no one was below and drooped my beloved 4inch fire engine red heels out the window, climbed out the window and then shimmied down the drain pipe totally ruining one of my favourite pair of stay up stockings in the process.

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How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk

How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk

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This book took me over a month to read which for me is really odd.  Why I hear you ask?  Because I kept stopping to really think about what he was saying and applying it to my life.  I’m going to say everyone single, dating, engaged, living together or married should read this book because it is 100% worth the effort.

If you don’t have the time it’s going to take to read and understand this book then at least go watch this presentation on the main theme of the book the RAM – Relationship Attachment Model

John Van Epp – Using the Relationship Attachment Model to Build Secure Relationships

So why am I raving about a book that took me forever to read and at times is more like a Psychology textbook than a book aimed at singles trying to find Mr or Mrs Right for them.  Because this book is a blueprint for how not to let morons, jerks, psycho and nut jobs into you life and can be applied to all aspects of your life not just dating.

The main message of the book is that patterns of behaviour don’t become evident when you first meet someone but will start to show after about 3 months because by that time in any relationship (dating, friendship, housemates) the person will be comfortable enough in your company to be themselves.

This makes it sound like we all “hide” our true selves when we first meet people and to some degree we do because from the time we are children we’re told to be on our best behaviour when we’re out in public or when we first meet people.  However by the time you’ve known someone for 3 months any ingrained personality traits, life long habits and quirks will start to surface both because you’ll both be more relaxed and less guarded about what you do and say but also because unless you’re a sociopath it’s unlikely you can keep up the “polite” version of yourself for longer than 3 months.

So the main message of the book is wait and watch.  It’s easy when you first meet someone to go “oh wow we click so well” and let them into your life thinking that you know them only to discover you really didn’t know them at all.  So before truly letting someone into your life wait and get to know them as a person, watch them in all and any social settings and above all evaluate if they are truly going to “FIT” into your world.

Ask yourself some of the following questions:

  • What are they like with their family?
  • How do they treat waiters in restaurants?
  • How do they treat pets and children?
  • Do you have similar values?
  • Do they have habits that drive you nuts?
  • Do they value you and your time or is it all about THEM?
  • Are you their conscience – if so run you’ve just met a sociopath

These are all things we tend to find out after we’ve let someone into your lives and sometimes ended up having to kick them out of our lives because it turns out the person you thought you know was the “polite” version of someone not the real day-to-day person.

The RAM is a simple tool (see pics below).  Technically if you and your partner are compatible then the bars should be even or close to even across the scale.  if they are out of balance then your relationship is out of balance and you either need to work on getting it in balance or get the hell out of that relationship before you add more crap to your “omg why do I only ever end up with stray dogs, losers, psycho, nut jobs” mind map of how you view relationships.

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The other tool in the book is MARRIAGE Data Files tool.  Basically it makes you look at the what the pre-programmed data in you head about the 8 qualities of a partner are and sort through them for a clearer mindset of what is still useful but also what is not useful and needs to be ditched or reprogrammed.

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If you do as I said read the book and love it then you might also be interested in heading over and checking out the Love Links website which has the full PICK program on it as well as a range of other tools.  I’m not 100% sure what the PICK program is but it’s been implemented by the US Military as a tool for soldiers dealing with relationship and dating issues.  PICK = Premarital Interpersonal Choices and Knowledge Program and it was developed off the “How To Avoid Falling In Love With a Jerk” book and seminars.

Before anyone goes – she must be being paid for this!

Nope sorry not being paid I very much doubt that Dr Van Epp and his team even know I exist or that I’m reviewing his book and telling the world to go spend some time and effort reading it.  In 11 years of husband hunting, several years of counselling and life coaching plus doing a psychology degree this is the first book I’ve ever read that honestly told me what I’m doing wrong and how to do it right for letting people into my world.

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