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I’m out of ideas!

As you would have noticed I haven’t written for this blog site for a while.  It’s not because I’m lazy it was because I was a little busy trying to fix my mental, physical and emotional health problems.  Why did I stop the whole husband hunt side of things while I was doing this?  I realised while having a massive mental health crisis that there wasn’t much point in husband hunting to find someone who’d love me if I didn’t even really like me let alone love myself.

As it turns out I’m high functioning autistic with communication difficulties and co-morbid ADHD so fixing me isn’t going to happen but learning to love me as me has happened.  Medication for the ADHD means I can now sit still for more than 2 minutes and have a conversation without it taking a huge amount of effort to stay on topic.  No medication will help with my autism but behavioural therapy is helping me learn that emotionally and mentally I’m wired a little differently so I’m never going to be “normal”, which is fine and I’m leaning better coping skills, social skills and how to not make stupid chaos making decisions.  If you want full details on the whole autistic side of my life go read The Cutting Cookies Circus my blog all about my diagnostic journey and autistic view of life.

So I’m now closing in on 18 months of being in the care of my amazing Psychiatrist and 14 months of working with my incredibly paitent Psychologist for behavioural therapy.  I’ve started my own business Aunty Emz Blankets started joining social networks with the help of my business buddy Crystal C & A Beauty By Design both to meet people and to build business contact here on the Sunshine Coast, joined 2 book clubs and so on and so forth.  Basically I’ve started to build a life here on the Sunshine Coast and for the foreseeable future I will be staying here so I decided it was time to put my big girl panties on and gratefully glide back into the dating world.

As you’ve probably guessed by the title of this blog I’ve hit a bit of a glitch with my plan to gracefully glide back into the dating world as a fully formed, loving thy self goddess that I am.

WHATS THE PROBLEM

I have no idea how to find eligible bachelors to date on the Sunshine Coast!

  • Bar/Pub/Club – ah no because I don’t drink alcohol, I’m autistic and frankly if you’re over 30 and still looking for husband material in bar/pub/club you are in all probability going to end up with an alcoholic fuck-wit or a toy boy looking for a sugar mama
  • Match Maker (Relationship Consultancy Service) – they either no longer exist because they’ve been wiped out by the Online versions or the Sunshine Coast doesn’t have any I’m not sure which but either way I can’t find even one to go talk to.
  • Internet Dating Sites/Mobile Apps – The free to use ones are frankly shit I know I’ve tried most of them and if I’m going to pay for the privilege of been sent on bad dates I at least want the ability to walk into an office and talk to a living, breathing human about improving the process.
  • Speed Dating – not one speed dating company runs any events on the Sunshine Coast.  Closest event I can find is in Brisbane (roughly 2 hours south of where I live) so the event might cost $20 to attend but add in petrol, parking, post event stress triggered therapy and I’d be looking at upwards of $150 in real costs.  Plus if I did actually make a mutual match with an eligible bachelor he’d be living anywhere from 2 to 4 hours drive away from where I live so not exactly a good start (especially when you’re unemployed yet again and petrol is around $1.25 to $1.38 a litre).
  • MeetUp Groups – yeah nah one thing I’ve learnt about being autistic is I am never going to be comfortable with meeting a whole bunch of new people at once and unfortunately all my girl pals here on the coast are not single so they can’t join and come as my security blanket. Plus looking at the age groups at 43 I’m in the no group for you range.  I did look and found social single groups for 25-35, 30-40 and 50+ all of which make a point if telling you that you must show proof of age when first attending and if you’ve fib on your application and are too old/young for the group you’ve attempted to join you’ll be removed from the group and blocked from their social media sites.
  • Table For 6 (or similar) – ummmm no for a couple of reasons like cost because you have to pay either a 6-12 month membership fee plus you pay for your meal every time you attend an event.  I’m currently unemployed (again) and the Aunty Emz Blankets as yet isn’t making money so what little money I have is being spent on things like food, petrol, medication, Psychiatrist visit and other things I need to stay alive and healthy.  Plus when you start digging into the T&Cs they state that even though you’ve faithfully paid your 6 or 12 month membership fee there is no guarantee you’ll ever actually get a spot on a table in the time period of your membership it all depends on the amount of people in the age group they will put you in so to many or to few in your age group and you miss out on a spot.
  • Team Sport or Group Anything – do not even go there people I’m autistic I don’t do TEAM or GROUP anything.  Hell I even have a mini panic attack turning up to my pilate classe at CGM Pilates and I’ve been going there for 2 months so it’s not like I’ve never met my class mates or instructor before I see them every week.

So I’m 100% out of ideas – please feel free to comment with suggestions, advice and possible good ideas oh hell even possibly bad ideas would be welcome at this point in time.

 

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How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk

How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk

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This book took me over a month to read which for me is really odd.  Why I hear you ask?  Because I kept stopping to really think about what he was saying and applying it to my life.  I’m going to say everyone single, dating, engaged, living together or married should read this book because it is 100% worth the effort.

If you don’t have the time it’s going to take to read and understand this book then at least go watch this presentation on the main theme of the book the RAM – Relationship Attachment Model

John Van Epp – Using the Relationship Attachment Model to Build Secure Relationships

So why am I raving about a book that took me forever to read and at times is more like a Psychology textbook than a book aimed at singles trying to find Mr or Mrs Right for them.  Because this book is a blueprint for how not to let morons, jerks, psycho and nut jobs into you life and can be applied to all aspects of your life not just dating.

The main message of the book is that patterns of behaviour don’t become evident when you first meet someone but will start to show after about 3 months because by that time in any relationship (dating, friendship, housemates) the person will be comfortable enough in your company to be themselves.

This makes it sound like we all “hide” our true selves when we first meet people and to some degree we do because from the time we are children we’re told to be on our best behaviour when we’re out in public or when we first meet people.  However by the time you’ve known someone for 3 months any ingrained personality traits, life long habits and quirks will start to surface both because you’ll both be more relaxed and less guarded about what you do and say but also because unless you’re a sociopath it’s unlikely you can keep up the “polite” version of yourself for longer than 3 months.

So the main message of the book is wait and watch.  It’s easy when you first meet someone to go “oh wow we click so well” and let them into your life thinking that you know them only to discover you really didn’t know them at all.  So before truly letting someone into your life wait and get to know them as a person, watch them in all and any social settings and above all evaluate if they are truly going to “FIT” into your world.

Ask yourself some of the following questions:

  • What are they like with their family?
  • How do they treat waiters in restaurants?
  • How do they treat pets and children?
  • Do you have similar values?
  • Do they have habits that drive you nuts?
  • Do they value you and your time or is it all about THEM?
  • Are you their conscience – if so run you’ve just met a sociopath

These are all things we tend to find out after we’ve let someone into your lives and sometimes ended up having to kick them out of our lives because it turns out the person you thought you know was the “polite” version of someone not the real day-to-day person.

The RAM is a simple tool (see pics below).  Technically if you and your partner are compatible then the bars should be even or close to even across the scale.  if they are out of balance then your relationship is out of balance and you either need to work on getting it in balance or get the hell out of that relationship before you add more crap to your “omg why do I only ever end up with stray dogs, losers, psycho, nut jobs” mind map of how you view relationships.

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The other tool in the book is MARRIAGE Data Files tool.  Basically it makes you look at the what the pre-programmed data in you head about the 8 qualities of a partner are and sort through them for a clearer mindset of what is still useful but also what is not useful and needs to be ditched or reprogrammed.

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If you do as I said read the book and love it then you might also be interested in heading over and checking out the Love Links website which has the full PICK program on it as well as a range of other tools.  I’m not 100% sure what the PICK program is but it’s been implemented by the US Military as a tool for soldiers dealing with relationship and dating issues.  PICK = Premarital Interpersonal Choices and Knowledge Program and it was developed off the “How To Avoid Falling In Love With a Jerk” book and seminars.

Before anyone goes – she must be being paid for this!

Nope sorry not being paid I very much doubt that Dr Van Epp and his team even know I exist or that I’m reviewing his book and telling the world to go spend some time and effort reading it.  In 11 years of husband hunting, several years of counselling and life coaching plus doing a psychology degree this is the first book I’ve ever read that honestly told me what I’m doing wrong and how to do it right for letting people into my world.

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