Soul Mate – What Do I Really Want?

From the time most girls hit puberty or hight school society starts the subtle and sometimes not so subtle message that it is time to start the process of finding your soul mate with the end goal of settling down and popping out a couple of offspring.  Flirtatious behaviour and casual dating are encourage and rewarded (mostly) and over time young ladies learn what their preferred TYPE is.

By their mid-20s they will have been on enough good or bad dates to give you a list (occasionally a very detailed list) of what they find attractive or unattractive in their prospective soul mate. They could also probably produce a detailed description of what they find desirable or undesirable in their soul mate including physical appearance, cultural background, hobbies, belief systems and so on ad-nauseam.

I was always considered a little odd because I didn’t date in my teens, early 20s or even mid 20s.  I’ve had more than one person quietly ask if I’m gay and just kept my dating on the down low.  I’ve had others who do not know my family assume I came from a home with strict rules or religious beliefs that meant I was not allowed to date.  In actual fact I didn’t date because I’m autistic so I don’t read body language, facial expressions, tonal voice changes so flirting was and still is a total mystery to me. If I did go out with any guy or girl I just assumed it was friendship and had no clue if they were flirting with me so date things like snogging never happened it was just a fun night out.  As a consequence I was often baffled as to why one week someone was really nice to me and the next week wouldn’t talk to me – apparently it was because I didn’t follow the date behaviour script that eventually leads to snogging and they got upset and thought I didn’t like them.

My first offical date happened when I was 27 (nope not kidding) and he defiantly didn’t follow the standard flirt, date, snog, sex rules.  I’d  only just transferred to a military base on the out skirts of Melbourne in Victoria Australia when I met C (I’ve deliberately not written his name he’ll just be C).  Anyway every morning I caught the train from where I lived to just outside the base and entered the base at exactly 08:00.  To get from the base gates to the building I worked in I walked right past the Base Shop and like clockwork at 08:15 I ordered a large soy latte to go and took it with me to my desk.

There was always in the Base Shop guys in uniforms getting coffee or food and if they said hi I would absent mindedly say hi and smiled in their general direction.  Someone always seem to open the door as I approached and I’d smile in their general direction and say thanks.  I had no idea who they were and at that time in the morning I couldn’t have cared less I was 100% focused on getting my caffeine fix.  Every now and again someone would ask me questions and I’d answer them politely but still not paying much attention to who I was talking to (by the time I got to my desk I couldn’t even tell you what gender they were let alone anything else about them).

Then one Thursday morning I as per normal got in line to order my coffee and before I could open my mouth the girl behind the counter handed me my coffee and a note.  This was defiantly a WTF moment and very much out of my routine.  The note said “Hi training started early today, I’ve already paid for your coffee see you tomorrow morning. C” .  I was actually a little cranky as this totally fucked up my daily routine and I had no idea who this C was.  Then it turned into one of those days where shit didn’t just hit the fan it exploded like a volcanic eruption and I  totally forgot all about the coffee incident.

The next morning (Friday) as per normal I’m in line at 08:15 behind some tall guy in army camouflage gear waiting to order my coffee.  I mentally catalogued that he was very well built and then switched my mental capacity to trying hard not to yawn my head off or fall asleep in line and face plant into his muscly back.  Next thing I know sexy uniform turns around and hands me a coffee, which I took while doing the look from coffee to sexy uniforms face with total confusion.  He holds out his now free hand and say “Hi I’m C sorry I couldn’t stay yesterday”, I’m 99% sure there was a one of those everyone goes dead quiet longer than socially polite pause as I mentally went WHO but then my manners kicked in and I smiled and said “Hi I’m Dominique and thanks for the coffee”.

By now I had realised two things:

  1. This was the guy who paid for my coffee yesterday
  2. Everyone in the shop was now watching what would happen

I put a smile on my rapidly reddening face and said “um I don’t mean to be rude but I need to get moving I have to be in a Staff Meeting at 08:45”.  I was expecting him to do the open door and let me out thing while making pleasant small talk routine but nope yet again he didn’t follow normal behaviour rules.   He did open the door but he followed me out and walked me all the way to my desk, which turned a few heads.  In the short time period between exiting shop and arriving at desk  I relaxed so when he asked me if he could take me on a dinner date that night I said yes.

I found out after we’d been together for a bit that he’d been trying to flirt with me every morning for 2 weeks, which I missed totally I don’t even remember talking to him till he handed me a coffee.  Then one afternoon while taking his frustration at my lack of response and possible disappointment that I was attached out on the punching bag in the gym he’d got talking to one of the guys I worked with who told him that no I wasn’t attached I was just a little odd and to try a more direct approach.  This lead him to think up the buying my coffee idea, which worked and for a short time made us both happy.

After C and I broke up I dated, well kind of more like got involved with two other military guys neither of which lasted very long but they were fun.  Then I started the epic Husband Hunt, which the entire Surviving Cookie Cutter Dating blog is about.

You would assume after having filled out what feels like a gazillion “preferred partner” forms & questionaries and gone on enough bad dates that I’d have a rock solid idea of my TYPE!  Oddly I do not.  If anything the  be more specific, narrow it down to a specific type, give more specific details, pick the top 10 must have attributes or whatever I constantly get asked for from everything from websites to love spell casters has made me less picky.  I mean isn’t the whole point of a SOUL MATE that your souls energy recognises and connects to their souls energy, which is an unseen force not dictated by their eye colour or job?

I have 5 very simple criteria for my soul mate:

  1. He is single
  2. I find him mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually attractive
  3. He finds me mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually attractive
  4. We’re there for each other through good and bad
  5. Mutual respect – neither of us is better or worse than the other we are fully formed adults with past lives that we might or might not want to discus but moving forward we are equal in the relationship

Not exactly a huge long list is it!

I don’t need him to complete me, to be my protector, to save me from fire breathing dragons or be by my side 24/7.  I don’t care if he wears designer suits or combat boots so long as he likes what he’s doing.  I don’t need to know where he is 24/7 so if  travels for work or get’s deployed for months at a time it’s not going to bug me.  I’d worry about him and if he’s deployed I’d send regular care packages but I’m not going to expect constant text or phone contact.  I’m secure enough as a fully formed adult to not feel threatened if he shows another human being affection and I expect him to respect and trust me the same way.

So why am I still single?


I’m out of ideas!

As you would have noticed I haven’t written for this blog site for a while.  It’s not because I’m lazy it was because I was a little busy trying to fix my mental, physical and emotional health problems.  Why did I stop the whole husband hunt side of things while I was doing this?  I realised while having a massive mental health crisis that there wasn’t much point in husband hunting to find someone who’d love me if I didn’t even really like me let alone love myself.

As it turns out I’m high functioning autistic with communication difficulties and co-morbid ADHD so fixing me isn’t going to happen but learning to love me as me has happened.  Medication for the ADHD means I can now sit still for more than 2 minutes and have a conversation without it taking a huge amount of effort to stay on topic.  No medication will help with my autism but behavioural therapy is helping me learn that emotionally and mentally I’m wired a little differently so I’m never going to be “normal”, which is fine and I’m leaning better coping skills, social skills and how to not make stupid chaos making decisions.  If you want full details on the whole autistic side of my life go read The Cutting Cookies Circus my blog all about my diagnostic journey and autistic view of life.

So I’m now closing in on 18 months of being in the care of my amazing Psychiatrist and 14 months of working with my incredibly paitent Psychologist for behavioural therapy.  I’ve started my own business Aunty Emz Blankets started joining social networks with the help of my business buddy Crystal C & A Beauty By Design both to meet people and to build business contact here on the Sunshine Coast, joined 2 book clubs and so on and so forth.  Basically I’ve started to build a life here on the Sunshine Coast and for the foreseeable future I will be staying here so I decided it was time to put my big girl panties on and gratefully glide back into the dating world.

As you’ve probably guessed by the title of this blog I’ve hit a bit of a glitch with my plan to gracefully glide back into the dating world as a fully formed, loving thy self goddess that I am.


I have no idea how to find eligible bachelors to date on the Sunshine Coast!

  • Bar/Pub/Club – ah no because I don’t drink alcohol, I’m autistic and frankly if you’re over 30 and still looking for husband material in bar/pub/club you are in all probability going to end up with an alcoholic fuck-wit or a toy boy looking for a sugar mama
  • Match Maker (Relationship Consultancy Service) – they either no longer exist because they’ve been wiped out by the Online versions or the Sunshine Coast doesn’t have any I’m not sure which but either way I can’t find even one to go talk to.
  • Internet Dating Sites/Mobile Apps – The free to use ones are frankly shit I know I’ve tried most of them and if I’m going to pay for the privilege of been sent on bad dates I at least want the ability to walk into an office and talk to a living, breathing human about improving the process.
  • Speed Dating – not one speed dating company runs any events on the Sunshine Coast.  Closest event I can find is in Brisbane (roughly 2 hours south of where I live) so the event might cost $20 to attend but add in petrol, parking, post event stress triggered therapy and I’d be looking at upwards of $150 in real costs.  Plus if I did actually make a mutual match with an eligible bachelor he’d be living anywhere from 2 to 4 hours drive away from where I live so not exactly a good start (especially when you’re unemployed yet again and petrol is around $1.25 to $1.38 a litre).
  • MeetUp Groups – yeah nah one thing I’ve learnt about being autistic is I am never going to be comfortable with meeting a whole bunch of new people at once and unfortunately all my girl pals here on the coast are not single so they can’t join and come as my security blanket. Plus looking at the age groups at 43 I’m in the no group for you range.  I did look and found social single groups for 25-35, 30-40 and 50+ all of which make a point if telling you that you must show proof of age when first attending and if you’ve fib on your application and are too old/young for the group you’ve attempted to join you’ll be removed from the group and blocked from their social media sites.
  • Table For 6 (or similar) – ummmm no for a couple of reasons like cost because you have to pay either a 6-12 month membership fee plus you pay for your meal every time you attend an event.  I’m currently unemployed (again) and the Aunty Emz Blankets as yet isn’t making money so what little money I have is being spent on things like food, petrol, medication, Psychiatrist visit and other things I need to stay alive and healthy.  Plus when you start digging into the T&Cs they state that even though you’ve faithfully paid your 6 or 12 month membership fee there is no guarantee you’ll ever actually get a spot on a table in the time period of your membership it all depends on the amount of people in the age group they will put you in so to many or to few in your age group and you miss out on a spot.
  • Team Sport or Group Anything – do not even go there people I’m autistic I don’t do TEAM or GROUP anything.  Hell I even have a mini panic attack turning up to my pilate classe at CGM Pilates and I’ve been going there for 2 months so it’s not like I’ve never met my class mates or instructor before I see them every week.

So I’m 100% out of ideas – please feel free to comment with suggestions, advice and possible good ideas oh hell even possibly bad ideas would be welcome at this point in time.


Love Thy Self

Love Thy Self

Almost the first thing any book, counsellor, psychologist, self-help guru, psychic, tarot reader, spell worker, pastor, priest, granny, blog post or article you consult about finding the person to fill the human size hole in your life is going to come out with something like:

“Before you can love others you must love yourself.  

Once you love yourself then you are ready for others to love you”

If you said to me “do you love yourself” I would have looked at you like you were a moron and said “duh yes I love myself” goddess knows I spend enough time in my own company (I might be a tad antisocial) and I can guarantee I have more conversations with myself in my head than I do with other people, mainly because I’ve learnt to think it don’t say it.  Plus I’ve spent a substantial amount of time and effort in learning to be me and not apologies for it.

However I’ve discovered something very very interesting.  The entire world of people out there wanting to help you find true love are asking you the wrong question.

You’ve all just gone What Minion

Think about it what is your idea of “Love thy self”?  Responses will be things like:

  • I like my own company
  • I love the way my body looks all that time at the gym has paid off
  • I’ve learnt to accept my faults they are part of me
  • I’m emotionally stable and balanced
  • I finally feel like I understand me

And so on and so forth, trust me I’ve said most of those things over the last few years (well apart from the going to the gym thing I don’t do gyms).  However all of the above isn’t self love, its self acceptance, emotional intelligence and self confidence (all also needed for a healthy life and relationship).

So what is SELF LOVE.  Quite simply it is putting you first 100% of the time in every situation and then making sure those around you are ok.  You all just went that called being “SELFISH” no being selfish is putting yourself first and never giving a shit about anyone else other than you.

So I’m changing the question I ask myself to:

“Do you put yourself first 100% of the time before you worry about others”

And tragically the answer to that question is NO a big fat 100% NO I very rarely put me first at all let alone 100% of the time.  Most people don’t put themselves first because to put yourself first tends to be termed “selfish”.  However the first thing you are taught in any emergency situation is make sure you are physically, mentally and emotionally ok first and then you can help others.  This lesson should be applied to your entire life because if you are constantly putting other peoples needs (emotional, mentally or physical) first then you don’t love yourself.

I actually avoid a lot of social situations because I find it incredibly stressful to be polite and unless I really hate you saying NO makes me feel guilty.  Like most people I was raised to be “polite and nice” especially in public so if you don’t know me well I come across as a nice polite well brought up lady.  I learnt as a child that rolling my eyes and saying the first thing that comes into my head as a response is not socially acceptable behaviour if you’re over the age of 3 and sober it’s actually considered rude.  So mostly I say very little and strangers have this odd idea I’m “quiet”.  Trust me anyone who knows me well is going to tell you I am not quiet, mostly my responses will be honest but probably sarcastic and borderline rude and if you ask me to do something and I don’t want to I will still do it but you’ll hear me bitch about it for the next millennium.

Not putting me first (emotional, mentally and physically) has over an accumulated period of time been detrimental to my health (emotional, mental and physically).  I’ve always been one of those people who works over their required hours because I’m constantly being asked to do shit that is not in my job description or I stress that my boss will be irritated that x didn’t get done or I inbox wasn’t cleared by COB.  I end up going to social engagements I don’t want to be at because I really have an issue saying no I don’t want to come without feeling rude and mean.  I get volunteered for things I do not want to do but end up doing them because whoever volunteered me knew I’d feel bad if I said “no you volunteered me you can un-volunteer me” and as tired, stressed and ike as I might feel doing it is less stressful than having an argument about not doing it.

Perfect example of how bad I am at putting myself first – I actually went to work after spending the night in the emergency ward thanks to pain from my then undiagnosed rheumatoid arthritis and I didn’t tell my boss I’d been in hospital overnight only reason anyone found out was because I still had my hospital bracelet on and when they tried to send me home I said no because the girl training me only had 3 days to do it.

Effectively I get so stressed about not disappointing someone or how they will feel or react that I can’t say NO without feeling guilt ridden and taking a day off because I’m sick also makes me feel guilty.  Well guess what I’m changing, I have to change I have no choice my inability to put me first and say NO is literally killing me.

I got diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and apart from making my life incredibly painful and making it very hard to do day to day shit without help it’s made me take a long hard look at my life and wonder how the hell did I let my health get this bad.  I could just be one of the unlucky people genetic vulnerable to Auto Immune Diseases, which I probably am but for the current flair up to be this bad I had to have ignored every warning symptom that I was getting sick.  I still worked over my required hours despise being in incredible pain, I made medical appointment to be outside of work hours because I’m still on probation and I didn’t want to upset HR by taking leave to get my tests done. I turned up to social events I’d agreed to go to doped to the eyeballs on pain killers because I didn’t want to ring up and say I’m sick I can’t come.

Not any more bad days may require a day off work, doctors instructions.  I don’t want to give up my job I like working but if I don’t start putting me first 100% of the time I’m going to wind up on a Disability Pension by 45 because I literally won’t be able to take care of myself.  The husband hunt was basically on hold anyway but now I have to learn to Love Thy Self which might take a little time I’m not good at putting me first 100% of the time before I even think about going back to The Husband Hunt.  I also need to be in a better mental, emotional and physically less painful place in my life before I even consider trying to let someone else into my crazy world.