Uncategorized

Reality of Loving A Guy In Combat Boots

Let’s face it girls (and boys) there is a fair amount of ohhhhhh hells yeah sex appeal and romantic ideals attached to guys who wear combat boots for a living.  In the world of Romance Writing the sexy Marine, Army, Air Force or Navy guy either still actively duty or honourably discharged due to injury as the hero is one of the top 3 hero types. We have a fairly romantic ideal of this tall, fit, sexy, silent and slightly mysterious man who is mouth-wateringly sexy in camouflage gear and combat boots and cream your panties orgasm on sight sexy in their formal uniforms.  BTW from experience I can tell you that formal uniform can transform a really irritating guy into “well helloooo sexy” instantly (no idea why but it’s true).

One of the main things that possibly adds to the sex appeal of the combat boot cami gear clad guy is the fact that there is a fare about of mystery surrounding their life, their job and well just about everything about them.  If they happen to be belong to a Special Operations  unit (e.g. Navy SEAL, SAS, Recon Marine, Army Ranger, Commando) the mystery and thus sex appeal seems to go up.

So if you have your heart set on finding a combat boot wearing man (or woman) as your happily ever after read the below so you have a bit more of an idea of what you’re really in for.  None of the below bad mouths the combat boot crowed I have dated some and worked with a lot of them and they have been some of the nicest, politest and at times craziest guys I’ve ever met.

IF YOU’RE CLINGY & INSECURE FOR GET IT: Not being mean but if you are the type of person who needs to know where your partner is 24/7 and get’s shitty if they don’t text back within 2 minutes DO NOT DATE A SOLIDER!!!!!!!  The reality is that your Combat Boots will be gone for long stretches of time and he/she may not have access to any type of internet or phone system.  If they are deployed you might be able to send them snail mail (yes hand written letter posted via the Postal System) but they may not be able to send replies. It’s unlikely your combat boots is ever going to talk in detail about their job and yeah they will probably stop talking to their buddies or on their mobile when you walk in the room…….why……because they are legally NOT allowed to divulge information about 99.9% of what they do to anyone not directly related to their chain of command. So if  you are the suspicious type who goes through phone records, emails and so on trying to find out what they are not telling you it’s not going to work out. Special Operation Units partners might get a text message saying something like “going wheels up in 1 hour” and then not see or hear from their combat boots for days, weeks or months on end.  Imagine if you get the text “going wheels up in 45 min” and then 6 weeks later you come home to find your combat boots asleep on the lounge (fully dressed) having had zero communication from him/her since the text message 6 weeks earlier.  If your reaction is total drama queen and you want to scream, rage, rant and say things like “where the fuck have you been for the last 6 weeks” then burst into tears and sob out “you just left me, why didn’t you call” and so on YOU WILL NOT LAST AS A COMBAT BOOTS PARTNER.  If your reaction is to stop the door slamming so it doesn’t wake him/her up and then think “oh thank god he’s home safe” before tiptoeing upstairs to put fresh sheets on the bed, mentally run through what to cook for dinner that he’ll love and to then go make a batch of his favourite cookies (trying hard to do it all silently) YOU ARE COMBAT BOOTS PARTNER MATERIAL.

SECURITY CLEARANCE: This never seems to get mentioned in romance novels or much in life actually but it’s very much part of life as the partner of someone who wears combat boots.  Once you move from casual dating (or sex) into the realm of “partner” you will have to be security cleared.  Even low level security clearance is invasive and the clearance level you are required to undergo will depend on the level your man (or woman) has. The higher the security clearance the more information you will be required to provide and you do not get the option of saying “none of your fucking business” when they ask things like “you’re banking transactions show you shopped online at SexyGirlsToys recently what did you buy” (not kidding I got asked something like that). If you have kids they will also require clearance and unless you are a widow the children’s biological dad/s (or mum/s) will also require clearance. Be prepared for clearance to possibly be done on family members (mum, dad, siblings), close friends and if you are not at the living with your combat boots stage then your current and possibly x-housemates.  They will look into your medical history, educational history, work history, finances, places you’ve lived, places you’ve travelled, court appearances (civil or criminal), criminal history and other shit dating back anywhere from the last 3 years to your entire life depending on clearance level you require.  This process will put a HUGE amount of stress on your relationship because if you fail to get your clearance it could end your relationship. So make sure you are willing to be totally honest about anything and it helps if you’ve already talked to your combat boots about what level of clearance you’ll be undergoing and any issues that might pop up.

IT”S A SMALL WORLD: You might look at the size of say the Army and think it’s huge but trust me it’s a small community and everyone seems to know someone who know’s someone who know’s your combat boots.  The higher your security clearance the more likely it is that 99% of your social life will happen with the circle of people your combat boots works with because maintaining outside the wire relationships is hard as you can NOT talk about your life inside the wire.  Plus if say your man is for example a Commando anyone you regularly see who is NOT part of your new world will be viewed as a security threat. From the point of view of support the other combat boot partner crowed is good as they know what you’re going through when the Combat Boots are away on exercises or get’s deployed to a war zone. They also understand the stress of things like moving every few years, being a sometimes single parent, the deployment fear and all the other stuff that is the reality of being a combat boot partner. However like any village everyone thinks they know everything about everyone else life and they will discuss you. Some of it might be just gossip but most of it will be them trying to decide if you are the right girl (or guy) for your combat boots. Think of it as a cross between being the new kid at school so everyone will be curious about you and a very large family full of over protective siblings. If you get a reputation as a bitch, slut, possibly husband stealer or some other negative tag it will follow you to every base you end up living on. So be prepared to play nice even if you want to bitch slap the cow who just called you fat don’t just tuck it away for LATER.  Once you’ve put a ring on it, learnt the ropes and proved you’ve got what it takes to be a full combat boots partner hells yeah bitch slap away (unless it’s your combat boots commanding officers partner that would not end well). Be prepared for people to judge and make assumptions if you become close to someone of the opposite gender and you hang out at each others places a lot someone will inevitably decide you are cheating on your combat boots and probably tell him. To avoid issues make sure your combat boots is 110% ok with the friendship and will tell people that.

HOUSING: Once you move from casual whatever to partner the issue of housing will need to be delta with and it’s way more complicated than deciding if he just moves in with you at your current digs or do you move out and the two of you get a place together. The military lets their combat boots live in 3 types of accommodation and none of them are moving in with you and your housemates.

  1. Barracks – normally it’s where single combat boots live and could be anything from 4 to 12 people in a room with a bathroom at the end of the hall all the way up to officer quarters which is normally single room with own bathroom. Mostly they are gender segregated so you doing sleepovers tends to be a no no and your sure as hell NOT going to be moving in. As you can imagine this also means there is not a lot of privacy so if you are snuck in for a sleepover keep the noise down and try to keep phone or video calls decent because combat boots may not be the only one listening.
  2. On Base Housing – mostly this tends to be for the married combat boots and could be a small apartment or if they have children a house. If your combat boots wants to transition from Barracks to On Base Housing there is a shit load of paperwork, a lot of pretty please sir can you help and you will need to have been fully security cleared before they even consider the application. On Base Housing has some upsides like it’s secure, you quickly become part of the combat boot partner community and it tends to be discounted. There is also downsides to this type of housing some of which are you don’t get to pick furniture, decor or utility providers. You’ll probably find your internet activity is monitored or filtered through key word systems and blocked if it’s found to breach the agreement you will have to sign. So if you are an avid blogger but your topics trigger alerts you will find yourself having a “please explain” meeting with security which is NOT good for your combat boots as what you do on base affects his/her job. Security Passes and Lockdowns are something you’ll have to get used to.  To get on or off a base you will need to be cleared at the gate EVERY TIME and god forbid you forget or lose your pass (trusts me spending 3 hours in the Gate House waiting for someone to say yeah ok let her/him in or out is not fun). If a Lockdown occurs and you are off base you will not be allowed back on base till it ends.  If you are on base and the Lockdown happens you can not get off the base.  Lockdowns are not advertised in any way they will just happen so be prepared because you could wake up and find you can’t go to work or can’t get home or can’t go collect the kids and it could be anything from 2 hours to several days depending on what triggered the Lockdown (if it’s days they do make special allowances to collect kids who are outside the wire).
  3. Off Base Housing – this option entirely depends on the base size (not all bases have On Base Housing) and IF your combat boots get’s approved to do this. As per most things in the Military it will take a shit load of paperwork, lots of pretty please sir can I do this and you having already gained security clearence.  If your combat boots is already living off base (normally share housing with other approved combat boots) and you move in before you’ve been security cleared and he/she’s been given permission to allow you to move in then your combat boots will get in a shit load of trouble.  Not the bast way to start your life as a combat boot partner or make a good impression on the rest of the combat boot partners set.

MOVING: Unless your combat boots is about to retire he/she will be transferred to where ever the hell the Military decides they are needed so get used to moving.  Combat Boots rotation in his/her position will normally last between 9 months and 3 years then they’ll get rotated out to their new position which could be on a base in the same State, on the opposite side of the country or on the opposite side of the world (it depends mostly on their skills, who’s military it is and who the heck they’ve pleased or pissed off).  The USA Military has a lot more places than say the Australian Military to rotate people through but that doesn’t mean you won’t move, it just means you might not end up in a totally different country for 3 years.  Hopefully you and your combat boots have had a chance to get all the security clearance stuff done and managed to be allowed to live together before he/she rotates out of their current position. Sometimes if you are lucky you’ll get a couple of months warning that the move is about to happen and have time to do all the paperwork, organising movers, getting kids prepared, resigning from your job and so on. However there is always the possibility that the  warning will be 2 weeks (or less) so your combat boots will go first and you are left to deal with everything else (this is more likely to happen if you are not yet an offical partner who has been security cleared). If you are not an offical partner who’s been security cleared following your combat boots will be 100% your problem you will get zip, zero, zilch assistance from the Military, depending on where your combat boots is being rotated to you may not be able to follow (e.g. US Marines rotating through Darwin don’t get to bring partners). Making friends with other Combat Boot Partners is the best way to find help in solving all the little shit that will come up like what forms to fill in, quotes for movers, information on the new location you’re going because most of them will have been through it probably more than once. Technically the Military will help with organising some things like movers, school admissions, breaking lease and they might help you shift jobs if you work for Dept of Defence (or another government agency). However there is no guarantee they can or will help with any of those things as it depends on a lot of variables including if you are officially classified as your combat boots partner.

Hopefully the above has given some idea of the reality that goes with loving someone who wears combat boots for a living.  If this is the path you have your heart set on or your just at the getting to know each other stage think long and hard about things like

  • your career – how will moving every few year impact on your career path, can you get a new job in whatever location he/she’s deployed in, if you give up your career to accommodate their needs are you going to hate them for it later
  • moving your kids from school to school every few year’s or do you send them to boarding school (not all kids cope with constant change).
  • special needs children if your child is say autistic or has some other type of disability are you going to be able to access the services you need in different locations
  • if you co-parent you kids how will moving around a lot effect their relationship with their biological mum/dad
  • is there any reason you CAN NOT follow your combat boots around the globe (carer for ageing parents, carer for disabled sibling, legal agreement with x-partner about children, you’re studying to be a doctor and can not transfer to another university)
  • feeling isolated, alone and scared – can you handle being away from your friends, family and other support networks when the going gets tough and it will get tough.
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Uncategorized

Lonely

I woke up the other day with the worst voice-lyric ear-worm on a continues loop through my head.  Hands up if you can remember the song Lonely by Akon (2004).  It starts with what sounds like a guy who’s had one to many drinks and then sucked on a room full of Helium balloons singing

Lonely I’m so lonely
I have nobody
To call my own
I’m so lonely, I’m Mr. Lonely
I have nobody
To call my own
I’m so lonely

For anyone who can’t remember this song click HERE (Lonely by Akon) but be warned the drunken helium singer will get stuck in your head.

I have no recollection of hearing this song recently which is how ear worms normally get stuck in my head so I’m going with the assumption my autistically wired brain dug it up to match my mood.  For anyone who follows or reads my other blog The Cutting Cookies Circus about my Autistic life and it’s problems you’ll know I’m not in a good head space right now.

The song might be as annoying as all hell but it is a good reflection of how I’m feeling right now.  I have no idea why but lately I’ve been feeling incredibly lonely to the point it  almost physically hurts.  I have friends and family who love me and I love them so I’m not lonely in the typical definition of the term “LONELY”.

What I feel is Soul Mate Lonely —> the deep ache you feel when you’re still single and all you wont is to find that one person who you connect with who becomes your friend-lover-spouse.  The person you feel comfortable enough with to let into your world and share your space.  The person you can trust to be there when you need them and who know’s you’ll be there for them as well.  The person you can let your guard down with and show your vulnerability knowing they will not see it as weakness or a way to hurt you. The person who holds you tight and tells you everything will be fine when your brain goes rouge and you feel overwhelmed by everything.

Anyone who works with relationship abuse survivors and reads this would be going “OMG red flag this is the kind of mindset the Scammers, Losers and Abusers are looking for seek help now”.  Don’t stress I might be lonely but I’m also neurologically hardwired to mistrust most people as I lack the ability to understand how to socialise correctly so I’m not going to put up an online profile on something like Tinder that screens “desperate, lonely and stupid”.

I still have no idea how to get back into the dating game and right now I’m psychologically not in the right head space for it to be a good idea so as much as I don’t want to be single I’m not planning on adding dating to my stress load. Hopefully as I get other areas of my life sorted out and my brain stops making me feel horrid about myself and life in general the Soul Mate Lonely will dissipate to a duel ache instead of the current sharp pain at which point I’ll research Single Activities in my location.

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SBS Show - How to Find Love Online, Uncategorized

SBS Show – How to Find Love Online

Generally as a rule I’m not one for just watching TV I tend to bing watch on Netflix while crocheting baby blankets but every now and then I’ll catch an ad for something that I’ll make a point of watching.

On Sunday 12th June I made a point of watching “How To Find Love Online” on SBS (hyperlinked to the On Demand version), mainly because the ad I sore for it made me dead curious.

The official blurb from SBS is – The Internet has transformed every part of our lives and is now changing arguably the most important part – our love lives. Internet dating is now the second most common way that couples meet. But what is the best way to make the online search for love successful? What are the ‘matchmaking’ algorithms that the big companies use? Do they really deliver the goods, or is it just clever marketing and actually a giant con? And is there really any science involved? Dr Hannah Fry and Dr Xand Van Tulleken investigate. (From the UK) (Documentary) G CC.

My main reason for wanting to watch it was because it was a rare view of online dating from a males point of view.  Think about it 99% of blogs, articles, documentaries or books on the subject of online dating are written by women for women and from a women’s point of view.  So a rare glimpse into the male mindset on the subject is a not to be missed opportunity.

I found out some fascinating things watching this show

  1. Men get as frustrated and fed up as women do with the fake profiles, bad dates and being the only single left in your group of family/friends.
  2. E-harmony has one advantage over other sites it’s in-depth (and irritating) questions do weed out narcissistic and sociopathic personalities.  So if anyone you’re on a date with tells you e-harmony couldn’t match them run away very fast.
  3. Photos matter – Doesn’t matter if we girls are looking for a breeder, feeder, toy-boy or travel buddy if they have photos of themselves smiling and doing outdoors activities especially with pets we’re more likely to click “like” than if the photos are idiotic, indoors or unsmiling and the revers is true men like their women healthy, happy and active.
  4. Nice guy profiles don’t cut it – we (the female of the species) apparently prefer the warrior over the caring type so men should put things like “worked in deployed environments” rather than “worked for UN in refugee camps helping abused women” (Are we really that fickle? *ok yeah I am I like men in uniform sigh*)
  5. Suggestion of Like or Dislike works – if someone tells you that these people are perfect for you and you matched really well you’re actually more likely to like them than if you’re told you’ll dislike everyone in the group.
  6. Optimum Stopping Theory will incrust your probability of meeting someone if you’re using a swipe and gripe program like Tinder.

Out of all of the information the Optimum Stopping Theory was the most fascinating.  To put it simply if you give yourself a limit of 100 profiles to view and then swipe no to the first 37 and then stop on the first profile between 38 and 100 you’ve interested in the likelihood of finding true love by 37% better than just randomly swiping like or dislike.  Sounds nuts but when using a swipe and gripe program like Tinder any advantage is helpful.  I really wanted to try this theory but Tinder apparently has some issue working on my phone and keeps putting a pop-up message telling me to log in despite the fact I’m logged in and using the app.

If you’ve never used a program like Tinder you’re wondering why I call it a Swipe and Gripe app.  The way Tinder works is you look at a photo and swipe left for not interested and swipe right for interested and then spend enormous amounts of time griping to your friends about how crap the dates you go on are.

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Jane Austen - Rules on Dating, Uncategorized

The Jane Austen Rules

Photo on 14-01-16 at 8.35 AM

I picked this book up at my local library mainly because I’ve read the book called THE RULES and this book very much pokes fun at the advice given in THE RULES.

The Jane Austen Rules – A Classic Guide to Modern Love is only 135 pages long and the writing style makes it both easy to read and easy to understand.   It only has 11 chapters and you can easily read a chapter in under 30 min so even if you only read 2 chapters a day you’d be done in a week.

I’ll admit I’m not a big Jane Austen fan and have only ever actually read one of her books “Emma” and the only reason I read it was because of the name.  I mean who is going to resist reading a book who’s title happens to be your name.  Until reading this little gem I had actually managed to totally forget the characters and plot of  Emma and considering I have a near photographic memory for me to forget everything other than the name of a book says a lot about what I thought of Jane Austen novels.

The Jane Austen Rules – A Classic Guide to Modern Love actually does a remarkably good job of pointing out how the main female characters in Jane Austen novels did not in fact follow the conventional “rules” which in Regency England 200 years ago where written in book with titles like The Lady’s Guide to Perfect Gentility (New York 1857).

Sinead Murphy (the author) makes an excellent point that the information provided in the etiquette and conduct books from Jane Austen’s time on how to attract a suitable husband isn’t a whole lot different to the books like The Rules written 200 years later but with the same purpose.  Sadly she is correct I’ve actually read historical books on expected etiquette and conduct of young ladies who are to be presented to soicety and they have fascinating advice like

  • you should appear to be interested in whatever your dancing partner is talking about
  • don’t engage in conversation unless he initiates it,
  • don’t appear to be to intelligent,
  • always be perfectly presented
  • when seated ensure you are sitting at the front of the chair to avoid the temptation of leaning on the back rest and ensure you sit upright at all times
  • always smile and laugh at his jokes even if you are not amused or do not understand them

Sadly you can find nearly identical advice in just about every book, blog, YouTube or advice article available today (so much for progress!!)

The central theme of The Jane Austen Rules – A Classic Guide to Modern Love is simple be a real women with real interests, real hobbies, a real life and a real brain because that is what attracts real men.

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Love Thy Self

Love Thy Self

Almost the first thing any book, counsellor, psychologist, self-help guru, psychic, tarot reader, spell worker, pastor, priest, granny, blog post or article you consult about finding the person to fill the human size hole in your life is going to come out with something like:

“Before you can love others you must love yourself.  

Once you love yourself then you are ready for others to love you”

If you said to me “do you love yourself” I would have looked at you like you were a moron and said “duh yes I love myself” goddess knows I spend enough time in my own company (I might be a tad antisocial) and I can guarantee I have more conversations with myself in my head than I do with other people, mainly because I’ve learnt to think it don’t say it.  Plus I’ve spent a substantial amount of time and effort in learning to be me and not apologies for it.

However I’ve discovered something very very interesting.  The entire world of people out there wanting to help you find true love are asking you the wrong question.

You’ve all just gone What Minion

Think about it what is your idea of “Love thy self”?  Responses will be things like:

  • I like my own company
  • I love the way my body looks all that time at the gym has paid off
  • I’ve learnt to accept my faults they are part of me
  • I’m emotionally stable and balanced
  • I finally feel like I understand me

And so on and so forth, trust me I’ve said most of those things over the last few years (well apart from the going to the gym thing I don’t do gyms).  However all of the above isn’t self love, its self acceptance, emotional intelligence and self confidence (all also needed for a healthy life and relationship).

So what is SELF LOVE.  Quite simply it is putting you first 100% of the time in every situation and then making sure those around you are ok.  You all just went that called being “SELFISH” no being selfish is putting yourself first and never giving a shit about anyone else other than you.

So I’m changing the question I ask myself to:

“Do you put yourself first 100% of the time before you worry about others”

And tragically the answer to that question is NO a big fat 100% NO I very rarely put me first at all let alone 100% of the time.  Most people don’t put themselves first because to put yourself first tends to be termed “selfish”.  However the first thing you are taught in any emergency situation is make sure you are physically, mentally and emotionally ok first and then you can help others.  This lesson should be applied to your entire life because if you are constantly putting other peoples needs (emotional, mentally or physical) first then you don’t love yourself.

I actually avoid a lot of social situations because I find it incredibly stressful to be polite and unless I really hate you saying NO makes me feel guilty.  Like most people I was raised to be “polite and nice” especially in public so if you don’t know me well I come across as a nice polite well brought up lady.  I learnt as a child that rolling my eyes and saying the first thing that comes into my head as a response is not socially acceptable behaviour if you’re over the age of 3 and sober it’s actually considered rude.  So mostly I say very little and strangers have this odd idea I’m “quiet”.  Trust me anyone who knows me well is going to tell you I am not quiet, mostly my responses will be honest but probably sarcastic and borderline rude and if you ask me to do something and I don’t want to I will still do it but you’ll hear me bitch about it for the next millennium.

Not putting me first (emotional, mentally and physically) has over an accumulated period of time been detrimental to my health (emotional, mental and physically).  I’ve always been one of those people who works over their required hours because I’m constantly being asked to do shit that is not in my job description or I stress that my boss will be irritated that x didn’t get done or I inbox wasn’t cleared by COB.  I end up going to social engagements I don’t want to be at because I really have an issue saying no I don’t want to come without feeling rude and mean.  I get volunteered for things I do not want to do but end up doing them because whoever volunteered me knew I’d feel bad if I said “no you volunteered me you can un-volunteer me” and as tired, stressed and ike as I might feel doing it is less stressful than having an argument about not doing it.

Perfect example of how bad I am at putting myself first – I actually went to work after spending the night in the emergency ward thanks to pain from my then undiagnosed rheumatoid arthritis and I didn’t tell my boss I’d been in hospital overnight only reason anyone found out was because I still had my hospital bracelet on and when they tried to send me home I said no because the girl training me only had 3 days to do it.

Effectively I get so stressed about not disappointing someone or how they will feel or react that I can’t say NO without feeling guilt ridden and taking a day off because I’m sick also makes me feel guilty.  Well guess what I’m changing, I have to change I have no choice my inability to put me first and say NO is literally killing me.

I got diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and apart from making my life incredibly painful and making it very hard to do day to day shit without help it’s made me take a long hard look at my life and wonder how the hell did I let my health get this bad.  I could just be one of the unlucky people genetic vulnerable to Auto Immune Diseases, which I probably am but for the current flair up to be this bad I had to have ignored every warning symptom that I was getting sick.  I still worked over my required hours despise being in incredible pain, I made medical appointment to be outside of work hours because I’m still on probation and I didn’t want to upset HR by taking leave to get my tests done. I turned up to social events I’d agreed to go to doped to the eyeballs on pain killers because I didn’t want to ring up and say I’m sick I can’t come.

Not any more bad days may require a day off work, doctors instructions.  I don’t want to give up my job I like working but if I don’t start putting me first 100% of the time I’m going to wind up on a Disability Pension by 45 because I literally won’t be able to take care of myself.  The husband hunt was basically on hold anyway but now I have to learn to Love Thy Self which might take a little time I’m not good at putting me first 100% of the time before I even think about going back to The Husband Hunt.  I also need to be in a better mental, emotional and physically less painful place in my life before I even consider trying to let someone else into my crazy world.

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LIGHT BULB!

LIGHT BULB!

Last weekend I was sitting on the lounge flicking through books and attempting to decide which book to crack open next and I’ll admit having a bit of a “araghhh all these books say the same crap” moment of irrational anger.

They all say things along the lines of

  • You have to love you before you can love someone else
  • Know what you’re looking for and be specific when writing it down
  • Fake it till you make it
  • Think yourself into the healthy you that you want to be
  • You are what you eat (one more stick thin gym junky says this to me and I’m going to eat them)

So why was this all shitting me off?

Because I’ve been through counselling post death and cancer, I’ve had 2 life coaches (both awesome women), I’ve seen a psychologist and I have a psychology degree so I know me inside out and backwards.  I would have said I knew exactly what I was looking for in a partner and if you could think yourself thin I’d be a half my body size by now.  I’ve followed the advice in these books by writing down what I want in a partner, going out on dates and letting the universe know I’m ready for my true love to sweep me off my feet.

AND GUESS WHAT I”M STILL FUCKING SINGLE SO ALL THAT WORK AND ADVICE HAS DONE —— NOTHING

I decided to read “Find Love – How to Meet The One Who’s Right For You” by Carolin Dahlman mainly because this is the first book of this sort I’ve found written by someone in Australia so it’s technically slightly more relevant to my life than say something from the USA or UK.  I’ll link to the review of this book when I finish reading it and actually write the review!

I was expecting to hate it considering the mood I was in then In the introduction I read two sentences:

“For example last winter I was really keen on moving from Sweden to Australia and therefore wasn’t ready to enter into a relationship that would keep me in Sweden.  There was internal resistance in me”

And I very suddenly I had a Felonius Gru Moment:     IMG_4310

So what was my “LIGHT BULB” moment?  For all that I really want to find that guy I can put as my In Case Of Emergency or Next Of Kin on forms and know that he’ll be there when they call I need him to fit into my world.  You’ve all just gone “your world” how different can your would actually be?

Very different I am a gypsy literally I don’t stay anywhere very long and even when I am living in one spot I’m likely to be travelling for work or plotting my next move.  To put this in prospective I’ve moved 21 times in 17 years and only 4 of those where in the same area doing the same job all the other moves where things like one end of the country to the other and starting a new job.  Working short term contract or in positions where I come in, do the data clean up and move on to the next project suits me down to the ground.

As odd as it sounds I’ve never really thought about how a husband would fit into my lifestyle despite the universe trying very hard to give me hints that I was possibly looking at my dating life from the wrong angle.  I remember way back when I was in a relationship and we’d just ramped it up from friends to lovers and despite having conversations about possibly moving in with him when my lease was up I was applying for jobs all over the country and I never told him until I was offered a new job in a town in a totally different state.  Then there was the conversation with a now x-housemate about “perfect life” and she was saying she wants the white picket fence, bundle of kids, stay at home mum life where hubby comes home every night at the same time etc and I said to her “oh my god that is my idea of hell”.  Then this year I was talking to Evil Genius Mum hubby and bitching he never introduces me to any single guys he knows.  His response was to look at me like I’d lost my mind and he said “all the guys I know want to settle down, buy houses, join community groups and stay in the one spot to build a life.  You would break them when you get fed up and leave”, I thought it was funny at the time but thinking about it he’s very very right I don’t do “settled” in fact the thought of buying a house and staying put gives me hives.

The last couple of years I’ve still been going through the motions of “husband hunting” but my heart hasn’t really been in it and I couldn’t figure out why.  But now i know why I stopped believing I was going to “settle down” and I accepted the fact I would be a gypsy for the rest of my life so despite looking for a husband I had already subconsciously realised that dating with the intention of “settling down” was a total waste of my time because that’s not how I live my life.

I still want to find a guy I can marry but my frame of reference has now changed I need to find the guy who is either happy to be a gypsy with me or is willing to let me come and go from our home base without freaking out.  So far I haven’t met many men who would fit this rather odd niche.

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