SBS Show - How to Find Love Online, Uncategorized

SBS Show – How to Find Love Online

Generally as a rule I’m not one for just watching TV I tend to bing watch on Netflix while crocheting baby blankets but every now and then I’ll catch an ad for something that I’ll make a point of watching.

On Sunday 12th June I made a point of watching “How To Find Love Online” on SBS (hyperlinked to the On Demand version), mainly because the ad I sore for it made me dead curious.

The official blurb from SBS is – The Internet has transformed every part of our lives and is now changing arguably the most important part – our love lives. Internet dating is now the second most common way that couples meet. But what is the best way to make the online search for love successful? What are the ‘matchmaking’ algorithms that the big companies use? Do they really deliver the goods, or is it just clever marketing and actually a giant con? And is there really any science involved? Dr Hannah Fry and Dr Xand Van Tulleken investigate. (From the UK) (Documentary) G CC.

My main reason for wanting to watch it was because it was a rare view of online dating from a males point of view.  Think about it 99% of blogs, articles, documentaries or books on the subject of online dating are written by women for women and from a women’s point of view.  So a rare glimpse into the male mindset on the subject is a not to be missed opportunity.

I found out some fascinating things watching this show

  1. Men get as frustrated and fed up as women do with the fake profiles, bad dates and being the only single left in your group of family/friends.
  2. E-harmony has one advantage over other sites it’s in-depth (and irritating) questions do weed out narcissistic and sociopathic personalities.  So if anyone you’re on a date with tells you e-harmony couldn’t match them run away very fast.
  3. Photos matter – Doesn’t matter if we girls are looking for a breeder, feeder, toy-boy or travel buddy if they have photos of themselves smiling and doing outdoors activities especially with pets we’re more likely to click “like” than if the photos are idiotic, indoors or unsmiling and the revers is true men like their women healthy, happy and active.
  4. Nice guy profiles don’t cut it – we (the female of the species) apparently prefer the warrior over the caring type so men should put things like “worked in deployed environments” rather than “worked for UN in refugee camps helping abused women” (Are we really that fickle? *ok yeah I am I like men in uniform sigh*)
  5. Suggestion of Like or Dislike works – if someone tells you that these people are perfect for you and you matched really well you’re actually more likely to like them than if you’re told you’ll dislike everyone in the group.
  6. Optimum Stopping Theory will incrust your probability of meeting someone if you’re using a swipe and gripe program like Tinder.

Out of all of the information the Optimum Stopping Theory was the most fascinating.  To put it simply if you give yourself a limit of 100 profiles to view and then swipe no to the first 37 and then stop on the first profile between 38 and 100 you’ve interested in the likelihood of finding true love by 37% better than just randomly swiping like or dislike.  Sounds nuts but when using a swipe and gripe program like Tinder any advantage is helpful.  I really wanted to try this theory but Tinder apparently has some issue working on my phone and keeps putting a pop-up message telling me to log in despite the fact I’m logged in and using the app.

If you’ve never used a program like Tinder you’re wondering why I call it a Swipe and Gripe app.  The way Tinder works is you look at a photo and swipe left for not interested and swipe right for interested and then spend enormous amounts of time griping to your friends about how crap the dates you go on are.

Jane Austen - Rules on Dating, Uncategorized

The Jane Austen Rules

Photo on 14-01-16 at 8.35 AM

I picked this book up at my local library mainly because I’ve read the book called THE RULES and this book very much pokes fun at the advice given in THE RULES.

The Jane Austen Rules – A Classic Guide to Modern Love is only 135 pages long and the writing style makes it both easy to read and easy to understand.   It only has 11 chapters and you can easily read a chapter in under 30 min so even if you only read 2 chapters a day you’d be done in a week.

I’ll admit I’m not a big Jane Austen fan and have only ever actually read one of her books “Emma” and the only reason I read it was because of the name.  I mean who is going to resist reading a book who’s title happens to be your name.  Until reading this little gem I had actually managed to totally forget the characters and plot of  Emma and considering I have a near photographic memory for me to forget everything other than the name of a book says a lot about what I thought of Jane Austen novels.

The Jane Austen Rules – A Classic Guide to Modern Love actually does a remarkably good job of pointing out how the main female characters in Jane Austen novels did not in fact follow the conventional “rules” which in Regency England 200 years ago where written in book with titles like The Lady’s Guide to Perfect Gentility (New York 1857).

Sinead Murphy (the author) makes an excellent point that the information provided in the etiquette and conduct books from Jane Austen’s time on how to attract a suitable husband isn’t a whole lot different to the books like The Rules written 200 years later but with the same purpose.  Sadly she is correct I’ve actually read historical books on expected etiquette and conduct of young ladies who are to be presented to soicety and they have fascinating advice like

  • you should appear to be interested in whatever your dancing partner is talking about
  • don’t engage in conversation unless he initiates it,
  • don’t appear to be to intelligent,
  • always be perfectly presented
  • when seated ensure you are sitting at the front of the chair to avoid the temptation of leaning on the back rest and ensure you sit upright at all times
  • always smile and laugh at his jokes even if you are not amused or do not understand them

Sadly you can find nearly identical advice in just about every book, blog, YouTube or advice article available today (so much for progress!!)

The central theme of The Jane Austen Rules – A Classic Guide to Modern Love is simple be a real women with real interests, real hobbies, a real life and a real brain because that is what attracts real men.

Love Thy Self

Love Thy Self

Almost the first thing any book, counsellor, psychologist, self-help guru, psychic, tarot reader, spell worker, pastor, priest, granny, blog post or article you consult about finding the person to fill the human size hole in your life is going to come out with something like:

“Before you can love others you must love yourself.  

Once you love yourself then you are ready for others to love you”

If you said to me “do you love yourself” I would have looked at you like you were a moron and said “duh yes I love myself” goddess knows I spend enough time in my own company (I might be a tad antisocial) and I can guarantee I have more conversations with myself in my head than I do with other people, mainly because I’ve learnt to think it don’t say it.  Plus I’ve spent a substantial amount of time and effort in learning to be me and not apologies for it.

However I’ve discovered something very very interesting.  The entire world of people out there wanting to help you find true love are asking you the wrong question.

You’ve all just gone What Minion

Think about it what is your idea of “Love thy self”?  Responses will be things like:

  • I like my own company
  • I love the way my body looks all that time at the gym has paid off
  • I’ve learnt to accept my faults they are part of me
  • I’m emotionally stable and balanced
  • I finally feel like I understand me

And so on and so forth, trust me I’ve said most of those things over the last few years (well apart from the going to the gym thing I don’t do gyms).  However all of the above isn’t self love, its self acceptance, emotional intelligence and self confidence (all also needed for a healthy life and relationship).

So what is SELF LOVE.  Quite simply it is putting you first 100% of the time in every situation and then making sure those around you are ok.  You all just went that called being “SELFISH” no being selfish is putting yourself first and never giving a shit about anyone else other than you.

So I’m changing the question I ask myself to:

“Do you put yourself first 100% of the time before you worry about others”

And tragically the answer to that question is NO a big fat 100% NO I very rarely put me first at all let alone 100% of the time.  Most people don’t put themselves first because to put yourself first tends to be termed “selfish”.  However the first thing you are taught in any emergency situation is make sure you are physically, mentally and emotionally ok first and then you can help others.  This lesson should be applied to your entire life because if you are constantly putting other peoples needs (emotional, mentally or physical) first then you don’t love yourself.

I actually avoid a lot of social situations because I find it incredibly stressful to be polite and unless I really hate you saying NO makes me feel guilty.  Like most people I was raised to be “polite and nice” especially in public so if you don’t know me well I come across as a nice polite well brought up lady.  I learnt as a child that rolling my eyes and saying the first thing that comes into my head as a response is not socially acceptable behaviour if you’re over the age of 3 and sober it’s actually considered rude.  So mostly I say very little and strangers have this odd idea I’m “quiet”.  Trust me anyone who knows me well is going to tell you I am not quiet, mostly my responses will be honest but probably sarcastic and borderline rude and if you ask me to do something and I don’t want to I will still do it but you’ll hear me bitch about it for the next millennium.

Not putting me first (emotional, mentally and physically) has over an accumulated period of time been detrimental to my health (emotional, mental and physically).  I’ve always been one of those people who works over their required hours because I’m constantly being asked to do shit that is not in my job description or I stress that my boss will be irritated that x didn’t get done or I inbox wasn’t cleared by COB.  I end up going to social engagements I don’t want to be at because I really have an issue saying no I don’t want to come without feeling rude and mean.  I get volunteered for things I do not want to do but end up doing them because whoever volunteered me knew I’d feel bad if I said “no you volunteered me you can un-volunteer me” and as tired, stressed and ike as I might feel doing it is less stressful than having an argument about not doing it.

Perfect example of how bad I am at putting myself first – I actually went to work after spending the night in the emergency ward thanks to pain from my then undiagnosed rheumatoid arthritis and I didn’t tell my boss I’d been in hospital overnight only reason anyone found out was because I still had my hospital bracelet on and when they tried to send me home I said no because the girl training me only had 3 days to do it.

Effectively I get so stressed about not disappointing someone or how they will feel or react that I can’t say NO without feeling guilt ridden and taking a day off because I’m sick also makes me feel guilty.  Well guess what I’m changing, I have to change I have no choice my inability to put me first and say NO is literally killing me.

I got diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and apart from making my life incredibly painful and making it very hard to do day to day shit without help it’s made me take a long hard look at my life and wonder how the hell did I let my health get this bad.  I could just be one of the unlucky people genetic vulnerable to Auto Immune Diseases, which I probably am but for the current flair up to be this bad I had to have ignored every warning symptom that I was getting sick.  I still worked over my required hours despise being in incredible pain, I made medical appointment to be outside of work hours because I’m still on probation and I didn’t want to upset HR by taking leave to get my tests done. I turned up to social events I’d agreed to go to doped to the eyeballs on pain killers because I didn’t want to ring up and say I’m sick I can’t come.

Not any more bad days may require a day off work, doctors instructions.  I don’t want to give up my job I like working but if I don’t start putting me first 100% of the time I’m going to wind up on a Disability Pension by 45 because I literally won’t be able to take care of myself.  The husband hunt was basically on hold anyway but now I have to learn to Love Thy Self which might take a little time I’m not good at putting me first 100% of the time before I even think about going back to The Husband Hunt.  I also need to be in a better mental, emotional and physically less painful place in my life before I even consider trying to let someone else into my crazy world.



Last weekend I was sitting on the lounge flicking through books and attempting to decide which book to crack open next and I’ll admit having a bit of a “araghhh all these books say the same crap” moment of irrational anger.

They all say things along the lines of

  • You have to love you before you can love someone else
  • Know what you’re looking for and be specific when writing it down
  • Fake it till you make it
  • Think yourself into the healthy you that you want to be
  • You are what you eat (one more stick thin gym junky says this to me and I’m going to eat them)

So why was this all shitting me off?

Because I’ve been through counselling post death and cancer, I’ve had 2 life coaches (both awesome women), I’ve seen a psychologist and I have a psychology degree so I know me inside out and backwards.  I would have said I knew exactly what I was looking for in a partner and if you could think yourself thin I’d be a half my body size by now.  I’ve followed the advice in these books by writing down what I want in a partner, going out on dates and letting the universe know I’m ready for my true love to sweep me off my feet.


I decided to read “Find Love – How to Meet The One Who’s Right For You” by Carolin Dahlman mainly because this is the first book of this sort I’ve found written by someone in Australia so it’s technically slightly more relevant to my life than say something from the USA or UK.  I’ll link to the review of this book when I finish reading it and actually write the review!

I was expecting to hate it considering the mood I was in then In the introduction I read two sentences:

“For example last winter I was really keen on moving from Sweden to Australia and therefore wasn’t ready to enter into a relationship that would keep me in Sweden.  There was internal resistance in me”

And I very suddenly I had a Felonius Gru Moment:     IMG_4310

So what was my “LIGHT BULB” moment?  For all that I really want to find that guy I can put as my In Case Of Emergency or Next Of Kin on forms and know that he’ll be there when they call I need him to fit into my world.  You’ve all just gone “your world” how different can your would actually be?

Very different I am a gypsy literally I don’t stay anywhere very long and even when I am living in one spot I’m likely to be travelling for work or plotting my next move.  To put this in prospective I’ve moved 21 times in 17 years and only 4 of those where in the same area doing the same job all the other moves where things like one end of the country to the other and starting a new job.  Working short term contract or in positions where I come in, do the data clean up and move on to the next project suits me down to the ground.

As odd as it sounds I’ve never really thought about how a husband would fit into my lifestyle despite the universe trying very hard to give me hints that I was possibly looking at my dating life from the wrong angle.  I remember way back when I was in a relationship and we’d just ramped it up from friends to lovers and despite having conversations about possibly moving in with him when my lease was up I was applying for jobs all over the country and I never told him until I was offered a new job in a town in a totally different state.  Then there was the conversation with a now x-housemate about “perfect life” and she was saying she wants the white picket fence, bundle of kids, stay at home mum life where hubby comes home every night at the same time etc and I said to her “oh my god that is my idea of hell”.  Then this year I was talking to Evil Genius Mum hubby and bitching he never introduces me to any single guys he knows.  His response was to look at me like I’d lost my mind and he said “all the guys I know want to settle down, buy houses, join community groups and stay in the one spot to build a life.  You would break them when you get fed up and leave”, I thought it was funny at the time but thinking about it he’s very very right I don’t do “settled” in fact the thought of buying a house and staying put gives me hives.

The last couple of years I’ve still been going through the motions of “husband hunting” but my heart hasn’t really been in it and I couldn’t figure out why.  But now i know why I stopped believing I was going to “settle down” and I accepted the fact I would be a gypsy for the rest of my life so despite looking for a husband I had already subconsciously realised that dating with the intention of “settling down” was a total waste of my time because that’s not how I live my life.

I still want to find a guy I can marry but my frame of reference has now changed I need to find the guy who is either happy to be a gypsy with me or is willing to let me come and go from our home base without freaking out.  So far I haven’t met many men who would fit this rather odd niche.

Mr Verbal Diarrhoea

Mr Verbal Diarrhoea

Another weekend and another dreaded date organised by the dating agency from hell was fast approaching.  By this stage I’d given up expecting any of these dates to go well but I was still putting my best foot forward and my best foot was normally shod in 4 inch hand made fire engine red heels.  As it turned out this guy was actually quite attractive, not my type thank god because when he opened his mouth the sexy exterior didn’t make up for the verbal diarrhoea.

Basically the first words out of his mouths where how he didn’t date fat chicks he had only agreed to meet me because Carman had personally asked him to do it so the company could meet its contractual obligations. He then went on to ask me if I thought he had any chance of getting it on with Carmen, wasn’t she just the perfect babe, like if she looked that hot in cloths imagine how awesome she would be in the sack and so on and so forth.  Having never met the woman in person I have no idea what she looked like but if she was built and dressed anything like Marry my original consultant when she interviewed this guy then I’m guessing she was cross between hooker and looker.

He then started babbling about how he’d been fat and wasn’t he totally amazing since he got thin, how he wasn’t going to work till he cracked the modelling industry (that was never going to happen he wasn’t that sexy). He then went on to tell me all about his relationship that had broken up because he’d got fat and how that had motivated him to get thin again. How he’d decided dating women was better they were less judgmental than his ex-boyfriend had ever been and so on and so forth.

By this time my eyes had glazed over and I was mentally doing other things like planning what to send my nephews for Christmas. At some point I tuned back in and he was babbling on about working in a pet shop and how it was his job to clean the cages and how when you have to worm the animals all this poo comes out of them and it looks like spaghetti and meat sauce.

Since I couldn’t get this guy to shut up I asked the cafe staff for the the key and directions to the lady’s room with the intention of running away afterward. Didn’t quite work out that way he followed me to the bathroom and was waiting for me when I came out of the ladies room. I seriously thought about turning around and going back inside and climbing out the window to escape but the ladies room is unfortunately on the second floor of the building above the cafe and a fitted skirt and 4 inch heels are not the easiest thing to climb out a window and shimmy down a drain pipe in.  So I ended up going back to the coffee shop with him and after 3 more coffees and 2 hours later I was busting to pee so once again I asked the staff for the key but this time as i collected it I told the waiter to send one of the girls up in a couple of minutes to collect the key.

After I peed I cracked the door opened and listened and sure enough I could here Mr Verbal Diarrhoea chatting to the waitress as they came up the stairs toward the bathrooms.  At this point my fight or flight instinct took over and since running down the stairs would mean going past them I took the only other options I had I cracked open the window, checked no one was below and drooped my beloved 4inch fire engine red heels out the window, climbed out the window and then shimmied down the drain pipe totally ruining one of my favourite pair of stay up stockings in the process.

How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk

How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk

IMG_4227 IMG_4228

This book took me over a month to read which for me is really odd.  Why I hear you ask?  Because I kept stopping to really think about what he was saying and applying it to my life.  I’m going to say everyone single, dating, engaged, living together or married should read this book because it is 100% worth the effort.

If you don’t have the time it’s going to take to read and understand this book then at least go watch this presentation on the main theme of the book the RAM – Relationship Attachment Model

John Van Epp – Using the Relationship Attachment Model to Build Secure Relationships

So why am I raving about a book that took me forever to read and at times is more like a Psychology textbook than a book aimed at singles trying to find Mr or Mrs Right for them.  Because this book is a blueprint for how not to let morons, jerks, psycho and nut jobs into you life and can be applied to all aspects of your life not just dating.

The main message of the book is that patterns of behaviour don’t become evident when you first meet someone but will start to show after about 3 months because by that time in any relationship (dating, friendship, housemates) the person will be comfortable enough in your company to be themselves.

This makes it sound like we all “hide” our true selves when we first meet people and to some degree we do because from the time we are children we’re told to be on our best behaviour when we’re out in public or when we first meet people.  However by the time you’ve known someone for 3 months any ingrained personality traits, life long habits and quirks will start to surface both because you’ll both be more relaxed and less guarded about what you do and say but also because unless you’re a sociopath it’s unlikely you can keep up the “polite” version of yourself for longer than 3 months.

So the main message of the book is wait and watch.  It’s easy when you first meet someone to go “oh wow we click so well” and let them into your life thinking that you know them only to discover you really didn’t know them at all.  So before truly letting someone into your life wait and get to know them as a person, watch them in all and any social settings and above all evaluate if they are truly going to “FIT” into your world.

Ask yourself some of the following questions:

  • What are they like with their family?
  • How do they treat waiters in restaurants?
  • How do they treat pets and children?
  • Do you have similar values?
  • Do they have habits that drive you nuts?
  • Do they value you and your time or is it all about THEM?
  • Are you their conscience – if so run you’ve just met a sociopath

These are all things we tend to find out after we’ve let someone into your lives and sometimes ended up having to kick them out of our lives because it turns out the person you thought you know was the “polite” version of someone not the real day-to-day person.

The RAM is a simple tool (see pics below).  Technically if you and your partner are compatible then the bars should be even or close to even across the scale.  if they are out of balance then your relationship is out of balance and you either need to work on getting it in balance or get the hell out of that relationship before you add more crap to your “omg why do I only ever end up with stray dogs, losers, psycho, nut jobs” mind map of how you view relationships.

 IMG_4230 IMG_4229

The other tool in the book is MARRIAGE Data Files tool.  Basically it makes you look at the what the pre-programmed data in you head about the 8 qualities of a partner are and sort through them for a clearer mindset of what is still useful but also what is not useful and needs to be ditched or reprogrammed.


If you do as I said read the book and love it then you might also be interested in heading over and checking out the Love Links website which has the full PICK program on it as well as a range of other tools.  I’m not 100% sure what the PICK program is but it’s been implemented by the US Military as a tool for soldiers dealing with relationship and dating issues.  PICK = Premarital Interpersonal Choices and Knowledge Program and it was developed off the “How To Avoid Falling In Love With a Jerk” book and seminars.

Before anyone goes – she must be being paid for this!

Nope sorry not being paid I very much doubt that Dr Van Epp and his team even know I exist or that I’m reviewing his book and telling the world to go spend some time and effort reading it.  In 11 years of husband hunting, several years of counselling and life coaching plus doing a psychology degree this is the first book I’ve ever read that honestly told me what I’m doing wrong and how to do it right for letting people into my world.