Uncategorized

I’m out of ideas!

As you would have noticed I haven’t written for this blog site for a while.  It’s not because I’m lazy it was because I was a little busy trying to fix my mental, physical and emotional health problems.  Why did I stop the whole husband hunt side of things while I was doing this?  I realised while having a massive mental health crisis that there wasn’t much point in husband hunting to find someone who’d love me if I didn’t even really like me let alone love myself.

As it turns out I’m high functioning autistic with communication difficulties and co-morbid ADHD so fixing me isn’t going to happen but learning to love me as me has happened.  Medication for the ADHD means I can now sit still for more than 2 minutes and have a conversation without it taking a huge amount of effort to stay on topic.  No medication will help with my autism but behavioural therapy is helping me learn that emotionally and mentally I’m wired a little differently so I’m never going to be “normal”, which is fine and I’m leaning better coping skills, social skills and how to not make stupid chaos making decisions.  If you want full details on the whole autistic side of my life go read The Cutting Cookies Circus my blog all about my diagnostic journey and autistic view of life.

So I’m now closing in on 18 months of being in the care of my amazing Psychiatrist and 14 months of working with my incredibly paitent Psychologist for behavioural therapy.  I’ve started my own business Aunty Emz Blankets started joining social networks with the help of my business buddy Crystal C & A Beauty By Design both to meet people and to build business contact here on the Sunshine Coast, joined 2 book clubs and so on and so forth.  Basically I’ve started to build a life here on the Sunshine Coast and for the foreseeable future I will be staying here so I decided it was time to put my big girl panties on and gratefully glide back into the dating world.

As you’ve probably guessed by the title of this blog I’ve hit a bit of a glitch with my plan to gracefully glide back into the dating world as a fully formed, loving thy self goddess that I am.

WHATS THE PROBLEM

I have no idea how to find eligible bachelors to date on the Sunshine Coast!

  • Bar/Pub/Club – ah no because I don’t drink alcohol, I’m autistic and frankly if you’re over 30 and still looking for husband material in bar/pub/club you are in all probability going to end up with an alcoholic fuck-wit or a toy boy looking for a sugar mama
  • Match Maker (Relationship Consultancy Service) – they either no longer exist because they’ve been wiped out by the Online versions or the Sunshine Coast doesn’t have any I’m not sure which but either way I can’t find even one to go talk to.
  • Internet Dating Sites/Mobile Apps – The free to use ones are frankly shit I know I’ve tried most of them and if I’m going to pay for the privilege of been sent on bad dates I at least want the ability to walk into an office and talk to a living, breathing human about improving the process.
  • Speed Dating – not one speed dating company runs any events on the Sunshine Coast.  Closest event I can find is in Brisbane (roughly 2 hours south of where I live) so the event might cost $20 to attend but add in petrol, parking, post event stress triggered therapy and I’d be looking at upwards of $150 in real costs.  Plus if I did actually make a mutual match with an eligible bachelor he’d be living anywhere from 2 to 4 hours drive away from where I live so not exactly a good start (especially when you’re unemployed yet again and petrol is around $1.25 to $1.38 a litre).
  • MeetUp Groups – yeah nah one thing I’ve learnt about being autistic is I am never going to be comfortable with meeting a whole bunch of new people at once and unfortunately all my girl pals here on the coast are not single so they can’t join and come as my security blanket. Plus looking at the age groups at 43 I’m in the no group for you range.  I did look and found social single groups for 25-35, 30-40 and 50+ all of which make a point if telling you that you must show proof of age when first attending and if you’ve fib on your application and are too old/young for the group you’ve attempted to join you’ll be removed from the group and blocked from their social media sites.
  • Table For 6 (or similar) – ummmm no for a couple of reasons like cost because you have to pay either a 6-12 month membership fee plus you pay for your meal every time you attend an event.  I’m currently unemployed (again) and the Aunty Emz Blankets as yet isn’t making money so what little money I have is being spent on things like food, petrol, medication, Psychiatrist visit and other things I need to stay alive and healthy.  Plus when you start digging into the T&Cs they state that even though you’ve faithfully paid your 6 or 12 month membership fee there is no guarantee you’ll ever actually get a spot on a table in the time period of your membership it all depends on the amount of people in the age group they will put you in so to many or to few in your age group and you miss out on a spot.
  • Team Sport or Group Anything – do not even go there people I’m autistic I don’t do TEAM or GROUP anything.  Hell I even have a mini panic attack turning up to my pilate classe at CGM Pilates and I’ve been going there for 2 months so it’s not like I’ve never met my class mates or instructor before I see them every week.

So I’m 100% out of ideas – please feel free to comment with suggestions, advice and possible good ideas oh hell even possibly bad ideas would be welcome at this point in time.

 

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#Embrace, Uncategorized

#Embrace (Body Image Movement)

On 12 September 2016 I along with 300 (or more) other people I went to see the documentary called #Embrace made by Taryn Burmfitt who has created an entire movement based off it called Body Image Movement.

#Embrace was an awesome documentary about women’s relationships with their own bodies and how mostly women’s emotions toward their bodies ranges between dislike and total self loathing.  The message of the documentary and the Body Image Movement is to learn to love yourself as you are.  You don’t need to be thinner, taller, blonder, bigger bobbed, bigger assed, smaller feet, straight haired, non-glasses wearing or anything else you think is wrong with you, so long as you are fit and healthy you are perfect.

The documentary really does bring home some surprising facts like girls as young as the 5 to 12 age group want to diet because they think they are to fat and they see how obsessive other female relatives are about body weight.  That within a short space of time of western TV programs, movies and magazines ending up in cultures that liked bigger bodied women  it rapidly changed to thin=attractive.  That the message being pushed these days is no longer active=healthy but that thin=health, which is not true you can be a size 22 and be fitter and healthier than someone starving themselves to be a size 10.  Most women are in a healthy weight range between size 12 to size 16 but this is now being labelled as PLUS SIZE for models and clothing.

Mia Freedman is scathing about how when she put out an issue of one of the big name magazines she was chief editor for the photographer wouldn’t put his name on the work, the makeup artist made the apprentice do it, no clothing supplier in Australia would supply products because no one wanted their brand associated with a FAT issue of the magazine.  The models she was trying to cloth were size 12 and she calls it the fashion industries dirty little secret that they are happy to charge more money for “bigger sizes” but they don’t want those clothes put in a magazine.  She goes on to point out that the argument that “women want to only see blond, skinny models” in magazines is crap and can be proven because women are now voting with their wallets and magazine sales are tanking.

However the whole thing did get me thinking about me and my relationship to my body, which at best could be described as “invisible”.  I don’t look in mirrors or weigh my self and so long as my clothes fit I don’t mentally punish myself for not being a size 12 with DD cups and a gap between my thighs.  Oddly I’m not shy about taking my clothes off in a room full of people (ask my friends and they’ll tell horror stories of changing in a store because the fitting rooms were full or getting kicked out of a bar for stripping while dancing on a table).  However put me on a one-on-one intimate relationship setting and suddenly all my insecurities emerge (I’m to fat, my boobs are to small, my ass is to big etc) which might explain why I don’t do one night stand or casual sex I have to trust you before I’m going to get naked with you.

It also got me thinking about other things to do with “Body Image”.  The first one is to do with my religious beliefs.  For those of you who don’t know I’m a practicing Green Witch and have been well most of my life really.  Now considering witch and wicca are mother goddess based belief systems one would think it would be ok to be zaftig (that’s a nice way of saying bigger).  Yeah na I am yet to find one wicca or witch based site that has realistic pictures of witches.  Every frigging site has the fantasy art or photoshopped sexy seductress witch with teeny tiny waist, big boobs, legs up to her armpits and very little clothing on and it is really starting to piss me off to be honest.  You look at any goddess figure from ancient times and she was round and curvaceous and zaftig not some fantasy art Lara Croft doll made up in the imagination of some prepubescent male who’s idea of “woman” = “Barbie”.

The second one is a lot more personal and it hit me today that I’m really really really self conscious about it and goddess love my family but they’ve managed to make me even more self conscious than I used to be about it.  I drool in my sleep and I snore, which lets face it isn’t romantic but it is human.  I can’t do anything about either of these things they are what they are but I’m now so self conscious about them I’m petrified to fall asleep on things like planes and the thought of staying over some guys house or him staying over mine and discovering this horrid thing about me is absolutely mind numbingly painful.  Today while flying down to Sydney from Brisbane I was exhausted and as per normal on a flight I dropped off but the minute I started to really sleep I’d snap awake because I was petrified I’d start snoring.  According to my family we’re not talking a dainty little purring snore its kind of more like being roared at by a T-Rex less than an inch from your face.  I have no idea how I’m going to come to terms with this bit of me that I loath but I’m going to try.

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Uncategorized

Poodle Vs Wolf Debate

For once I actually decided to read my September 2016 (Issue 253) of Marie Claire Australia instead of just skipping to the beauty section and I found an article called “Are you a Poodle or a Wolf”.  The content is apparently an editorial extract from a book called “You’ll Grow Out of It” by Jessi Klein a stand up comedian and writer based in the USA.

The book was published in July 2016 and debate about Poodle Vs Wolf has been raging every since according to my google search.  For those that have no idea what I’m talking about the very simple explanation is Poodles and Wolves share 99% of the same gene pool so technically are the same species but they are totally different creatures.  Women are the same we all share basically the same XX chromosomes but we are vastly different creatures and we fit one of two types (Poodle or Wolf):

Poodle – always elegantly graceful, alway wear the right clothes, total self confidence that they are the most beautiful woman in the room, turns up late to everything because they are the centre of their own universe, even at the gym they don’t sweat and so on.

Wolf: never quite dressed right for the occasion because fashion is irrelevant to their life, sweats at the gym and comes away looking hot and irritated, life of the party because they are approachable and funny, if their late it’s because they were busy with their kids or other responsibility, generally as a rule not the centre of their own universe.  Can if pushed dress up to look like a Poodle and behave like one but they’re really not comfortable in that role.

Me personally I think she got it slightly wrong.  I think you can divide women into 3 types of Canine varieties as follows:

poodlePrancers e.g. Poodles: always elegantly graceful, alway wear the right clothes, total self confidence that they are the most beautiful woman in the room, turns up late to everything because they are the centre of their own universe, even at the gym they don’t sweat.  However they tend to me needy and don’t like to be left on their own very much.

pulisf4Domestics e.g. Puli:  Tend to be outward not inward focused on their job, family or community.  Incredibly loyal to their family and naturally suspicious of strangers they will furiously defend their territory.  They are comfortable in their own skin so it’s not that they don’t care about fashion they just know what they feel comfortable in.  They’d much rather spend 20 minutes talking to their kids, spouse or family than slapping on makeup.  It doesn’t make them any less female and if pushed they’ll turn themselves into a poodle for a good reason but they’re happy to let everyone know this is not their day to day nature.  They are also amazingly good communicators who seem to know exactly the right thing to say at the right time in any situation.

flat550x550075fWolves: These ladies are a completely different bread altogether.  They might have the XX Chromosome but they like wolves will never be mistaken for either a Prancer or Domestic.  They might or might not bother to dress up for an event because they literally don’t care what anyone thinks of them.  They naturally radiate an intense level of energy.  Most people male or female feel uncomfortable around a wolf because she’s not trying to join in she’s studying them maybe in amusement or maybe to get an understanding of the group dynamic. The one thing she wolves have in common with other women is with Domestics and their devotion to their pack (family). Pity the Poodle who makes a play for a she wolfs man as that is when you truly see what an apex predatory is capable of.

I’m going to put my hand up and freely admit to being a She Wolf to my bones, which might explain why I’m still single.  After all it takes an equally as strong He Wolf to be able to live with a She Wolf we tend to be intense and a little scary.

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Tinder! why the hype, Uncategorized

Tinder! why the hype

I’d like to acknowledge I nicked the featured image off the web it came from a page called Tinder Man – Tinder Junkie  – click the name to jump to his page it’s a good page if you’re interested in Dating Apps.

Can’t believe I’m going to admit this but I’ve been single long enough to remember when Tinder was launched as an app for iPhone and later Android devices way back in 2012.  At the time from a purely geek-nerd prospective it was brilliant because it fully utilised  the touch screen technology on your phone by the Swipe Left = No or Swipe Right = Yes plus an algorithm that only allowed contact if you both mutually said Yes.  The original version also had the capacity to create a profile from scratch adding the information you thought was relevant.

The Tinder programmers being wise and oddly attentive to what end users were saying about fake profiles-scammers have now made it harder to not be who you say you are by only allowing profiles to be created if you have a Facebook account to link to and they also like to link to you Instagram just to prove you are you.  Oddly this means most profiles  in Tinder contain wrong information because people don’t update their Facebook info with new jobs, new qualifications, the place they are now living or just about anything really and you can’t manually change the information in Tinder it’s locked to sucking it out of Facebook only.

From launch day in 2012 it has been one of those apps in the dating world that literally everyone talks about.  Mostly the user rave about how easy it is to use, how genuine the profiles are, people are friendly, for a free app it’s mostly glitch free and so on and so forth.  There is what I’ll call the 10% who’ve had bad experiences with Tinder and HATE it with a passion, oddly they are tough to find but they are out there.

Way back in the day when I used an Android device I tried Tinder and decided I was a 10% who hated it more because of technical issues with my phone than the app its self.  Once I shifted to iPhone I again tried Tinder on a version before you had to link to Facebook and go hit by so many dick pics and scammers I confirmed my place in the 10% of HATERS and never intended to use it again.

I really should learn not to say the world “never” because it always comes back to bite me. So back in April/May 2016 I tried to download and use Tinder and I hit what is the worst glitch I’ve ever seen in an App and even Tinder doesn’t know why it happens.  To create a Tinder profile you must first create a log in, tell Tinder to link to Facebook, confirm with Facebook that yes you’re allowing Tinder to link to it and then Tinder sucks info out of Facebook to create your Tinder Profile.  However the Looping Glitch as I’ve nicknamed it happens when only part of the information is sucked out of Facebook to Tinder and then every 5 seconds (yes I counted how long it takes) in your Tinder app you get a popup message asking you to allow access to Facebook but it never actually allows you to reconnect to Facebook.

Because Tinder wouldn’t let me link to Facebook and create an account naturally I was determined to solve the problem and create a profile.  It took me till halfway through June to suddenly have it all work.  No idea why I just kept trying every trick listed on Google sites on how to fix the issue (there is a whole range of reasons the looping glitch can happen).

So since June I’ve been using Tinder and swiping left or right as I like.  However it’s really not doing much for me apart from the occasional interesting conversation via the messaging section of the app.  It seems to be if I do hit a mutual match I’m the one starting a conversation and either their profile just vanishes because they’ve “unmatched” me or I never hear back from them.  The ones I do hear back from are all woooo hoooo gung-ho till they realise that nope I really truly am not interested in casual sex then they to poof vanish off the message area.

Now I thought it was just me and that me being picky was the problem.  However I overheard a couple of girls probably mid 20s the other night basically bitching about the same issues I have with Tinder that the guys don’t fill out their profiles and they say they  are looking for more than casual sex but they’re not blah blah blah.  I was wondering by now if men view Tinder as a dating app or a pickup app when my lil sis in London rang to chat and the topic came up about Tinder.  Turns out the night before she’d been out to drinks and dinner with a male buddy of her’s and he’d bitched about how he’s made it clear he’s looking for someone to settle down with and all the women who contact him either haven’t bother to fill out their profile or only want casual relationships.  So apparently no it’s not just girls finding Tinder isn’t really a good place to find anything that might turn into a relationship.

Which makes me wonder in a world were swiping touch screen technology is common, the matching algorithm is used by just about every dating site and the profiles are largely incorrect because it sucks the info out of Facebook and you can’t edit it.  Why is Tinder still one of the highest rated apps, raved about by millions (according to Tinder) and used by so many?

I really don’t get the hype it’s not that good an app!

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Un-Social Media, Uncategorized

Un-Social Media

*warning this post has bad language that may offend*

So today I did something very un-x-generation I deleted FaceBook and Twitter off my phone and I won’t be reinstalling the apps any time soon.

I just heard a collective GASP followed by “YOU DID WHAT???”

I seriously considered deleting my profiles completely but decided that maybe in a couple of months I’ll feel less shat off what I keep seeing on Social Media and want to reconnect with the world and I recreating an entire Social Profile is a pain in the ass.

Now that your over the shock that someone could voluntarily disconnect from the 24-7 cyber world of Social Media you are wondering what has prompted this radical decision.  It wasn’t one event like finding a cyber troll hiding under a post or hackers or hecklers that prompted me to do this it was actually several things which I’ll go into below.

  1. TIME WASTED – do you have any idea how much time people waste on Social Media every day?  According to statistics the average person is awake for about 15 hours and the average adult spends between 2 and 5 hours on Social Media.  The scariest part is that those with Social Media Apps on their phone spend more time on Social Media than those that check it the old fashioned way on a computer.  To drive this point home if you are awake for 15 hours and spend 5 on Social Media you just waisted 1/3 of  your day.
  2. MISCOMMUNICATION – As an Information Management Specialist one of the things I constantly teach in staff re-training is to think before you hit send (or post) and if possibly get someone else to read it.  WHY?  Because how you think your rant, comment, post or tweet sounds is viewed from the point of the voice in your head saying it.  How it is read by others is going to be totally different because they don’t have visual or verbal context so your funny tweet might come across as totally bitchy.  This became very apparent to me recently when I read a post from a close friend, made a comment and then she commented back.  I got really pissed off with her because from my point of view her response came across as seriously condescending and as if she was lecturing me like I was a complete moron. I have no idea if she intended the comment to sound like that but it still shat me off.   I’m not sure which pissed me off more the way her comment sounded or the fact she did it on a FaceBook an arena any of her or my followers can read. Which brings me to the next topic
  3. COMMENT WARS – People seem to forget on Social Media that it is not just you and the person you’re commenting back/forth with reading what you’ve writen anyone who has access to either yours, theirs or the original posters page can read it.  I’ve seen comments that if the person posting was actually looking at you face-to-face in a public space they would not be saying but they seem to think that because it’s social media only the person they in their head are directly addressing will be reading the Comment/Post/Tweet.
  4. WHO TO FOLLOW-ADVERTISING – I am sick to death of Social Media sites constantly and repeatedly trying to make me follow pages and people I don’t know or shoving advertising all over my profile that is totally fucking irrelevant to my life.  I’m not interested in Vegan food, anything to do with kids, positive comments, mark zuckerberg, yoga, exercise or any other crap their profile generators think I should like because I’m Female, White and 42.
  5. ALL MEN ARE CUNTS – Seriously if I read one more frigging post about how horrible men are and that they are all misogynistic cunts who hate women I’m going to punch the person who posts it.  I’m 42 and single with enough trust issues to fill an entire psychology textbook so constantly telling me all men are BAD is not helping my mental health or trust issues.
  6. THE POLLY-ANNA POSITIVES – Ok I get the point you have found your happy happy joy joy through the power of positive thinking and you want to tell the world.  Guess what after the 5th post about it I really don’t give a shit so the constant “the world would be a better place if we all practiced positive thinking and it would cure all mental health issues” drives me crazy.
  7. ASYLUM SEEKERS/GOVERNMENT POLICY/RACISM/GUN CONTROL – Guess what people sitting on social media bitching about it is NEVER going to fix the problem.  If you actually got out in the real world and door knocked your neighbourhood and persuaded people to not vote for the politician you hate because of their policy you would have done more good than reposting or ranting about it on Social Media.
  8. KIDS & MUMMY BLOGGERS – Don’t get me wrong I love OCCASIONALLY reading posts about peoples kids and reading the occasional mummy post/blog.  However when the ONLY thing I ever see on your feed is about your kids or how to be the perfect mummy I start to wonder if you actually have a life.  Try posting something none kid or mummy related.  This comment has probably just shat off 90% of my friends who are all mummy’s but guess what one day you’re going to wake up and wonder why the friends you have are all part of the mummy set and what happened to the none mummy friends you were so close with.  We got sick to death of the only topic of conversation being about your kids and feeling like our lives didn’t matter to you.  Yes I get it you have kids and your life revolves around mile stones, day care, pre-school, school, after school activities, kids birthdays, kids being sick, school holidays and all manner of kid related stuff, which makes your life totally unbalanced.  Harsh yes I know but try just occasionally to remember the friends you had before having kids.

To those who will read this an get insulted or upset about what I’ve said or the way I’ve said it I really don’t give a shit.  It’s my opinion you don’t have to like what I’ve said but if you fit one of the above categories I suggest you take a long hard look at your life before you lose real world friends because of Social Media.

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SBS Show - How to Find Love Online, Uncategorized

SBS Show – How to Find Love Online

Generally as a rule I’m not one for just watching TV I tend to bing watch on Netflix while crocheting baby blankets but every now and then I’ll catch an ad for something that I’ll make a point of watching.

On Sunday 12th June I made a point of watching “How To Find Love Online” on SBS (hyperlinked to the On Demand version), mainly because the ad I sore for it made me dead curious.

The official blurb from SBS is – The Internet has transformed every part of our lives and is now changing arguably the most important part – our love lives. Internet dating is now the second most common way that couples meet. But what is the best way to make the online search for love successful? What are the ‘matchmaking’ algorithms that the big companies use? Do they really deliver the goods, or is it just clever marketing and actually a giant con? And is there really any science involved? Dr Hannah Fry and Dr Xand Van Tulleken investigate. (From the UK) (Documentary) G CC.

My main reason for wanting to watch it was because it was a rare view of online dating from a males point of view.  Think about it 99% of blogs, articles, documentaries or books on the subject of online dating are written by women for women and from a women’s point of view.  So a rare glimpse into the male mindset on the subject is a not to be missed opportunity.

I found out some fascinating things watching this show

  1. Men get as frustrated and fed up as women do with the fake profiles, bad dates and being the only single left in your group of family/friends.
  2. E-harmony has one advantage over other sites it’s in-depth (and irritating) questions do weed out narcissistic and sociopathic personalities.  So if anyone you’re on a date with tells you e-harmony couldn’t match them run away very fast.
  3. Photos matter – Doesn’t matter if we girls are looking for a breeder, feeder, toy-boy or travel buddy if they have photos of themselves smiling and doing outdoors activities especially with pets we’re more likely to click “like” than if the photos are idiotic, indoors or unsmiling and the revers is true men like their women healthy, happy and active.
  4. Nice guy profiles don’t cut it – we (the female of the species) apparently prefer the warrior over the caring type so men should put things like “worked in deployed environments” rather than “worked for UN in refugee camps helping abused women” (Are we really that fickle? *ok yeah I am I like men in uniform sigh*)
  5. Suggestion of Like or Dislike works – if someone tells you that these people are perfect for you and you matched really well you’re actually more likely to like them than if you’re told you’ll dislike everyone in the group.
  6. Optimum Stopping Theory will incrust your probability of meeting someone if you’re using a swipe and gripe program like Tinder.

Out of all of the information the Optimum Stopping Theory was the most fascinating.  To put it simply if you give yourself a limit of 100 profiles to view and then swipe no to the first 37 and then stop on the first profile between 38 and 100 you’ve interested in the likelihood of finding true love by 37% better than just randomly swiping like or dislike.  Sounds nuts but when using a swipe and gripe program like Tinder any advantage is helpful.  I really wanted to try this theory but Tinder apparently has some issue working on my phone and keeps putting a pop-up message telling me to log in despite the fact I’m logged in and using the app.

If you’ve never used a program like Tinder you’re wondering why I call it a Swipe and Gripe app.  The way Tinder works is you look at a photo and swipe left for not interested and swipe right for interested and then spend enormous amounts of time griping to your friends about how crap the dates you go on are.

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Mental Illness when to you fess up?, Uncategorized

Mental Illness when to you fess up?

You’ll all have noticed I’ve been off line for over 6 months which for someone who was a prolific blogger is a little odd.  Did I meet the man of my dreams and settle down to happy domestic bliss?  Aha no that would have been a lot funner but probably just as frustrating as what has been going on.

So what has been happening?  Once I got back from London in October 2015 I ended up having to give up work because I got so ill I literally couldn’t get out of bed.  Unhappy with my medical care I found a new doctor who did something a little radical he took me off all existing medication, ran a million tests, reviewed what meds I had been on and why and if they were interacting badly etc.  Basically he took me back to basics, changed a couple of things like my blood pressure meds and somehow got my migraines under control without Codeine based pain killers.

This should have been the woooohooooo moment were I got my life back after 20 years of being at the mercy of the cycle of migraines and codeine based pain med addiction.  My liver and kidney function improved and my blood pressure stabilised  but my brain broke.  Suddenly without up to 8 codeine based pills which are opiate (narcotic) analgesics suppressing my brain waves my brain went wonky, really really wonky. My anxiety got so bad I vomited just driving passed where I used to work, I couldn’t find my keys one day and ended up sitting on the floor rocking back and forth crying because it stressed me out so bad and so on.

My doctor decided to try anti-anxiety drugs but with heavy monitoring (I had to see him every 3 days).  This to me seemed a little like over kill considering my x-doctor back in 2008 put me on a dose of antidepressants that should technically only have been prescribed by a psychiatrist and after a week without any suicidal reactions never reviewed it again, just kept handing me scripts even after I told them I’d stopped taking the pills.

However new doctor insisted on heavy monitoring and thank the goddess he did because I got worse not better, so we tried a different type of drug and again I got worse.  At this point my doctor went – your reaction to these pills is really wrong and spent a very extended visit asking me a million questions and ticking boxes on forms.  He then very very gently informed me he was 99% sure I had Bipolar but he would need to send me to a Psychiatrist for a full diagnosis and he wasn’t prescribing anything till I’d seen the specialist but till then I was on weekly visits so he could monitor my moods and ensure I was functioning and not becoming catatonically depressed or suicidal.

Functioning I was only just managing but at least someone wasn’t just shoving pills at me and telling me to go away. So I’ve now been seeing my Psychiatrist for a couple of months and sure enough I am Bipolar with rapid mood cycles and possible suicidal tendencies. I am apparently treatable with a combinations of pharmacological’s and psychological strategies (e.g. drugs and therapy).  However much more interesting according to my psychiatrist is the fact I’m a very high functioning Aspergers who is capable of articulately describing how I see, hear, smell, touch and taste the world, which is apparently a little rare but fascinating to people who study brain chemistry.

From my point of view finding out that yes I am crazy but it’s not hormones, stress levels, imaginary or whatever is in one respect nice because I know what’s wrong and we’re working on treating it.  Well, at least we can treat the Bipolar the Aspergers isn’t treatable but I can learn better strategies for coping when information overload happens.  I might even eventually learn to read facial expressions and body language (hopefully).

The downside – eventually after I put the jigsaw puzzle peaces of my life back together I have to start back on the dating roundabout.

Why is this a downside?  Here’s a fun little test for you – say the first 5 things that come to mind when you hear the words Bipolar or Mental Illness……………

On that list you probably have things like –

  1. crazy,
  2. mood swinging nutter,
  3. psycho,
  4. boil the bunny obsessive,
  5. hyper manically happy,
  6. depressed,
  7. suicidal,
  8. flaky
  9. Makes Wade Wilson look sane
  10. Way to much work,
  11. axe wheedling maniac and so on and so forth

Not very positive or complementary is it.  Would you want to date someone who you know can have extreme mood swings, constantly wondering which version of the person you’re going to wake up next to (depressed, hyper-happy, anxious, irritated, hyper-sexuallised). Don’t get me started on how the media portrays people with Bipolar or other mental illness because that’s an entire rant on it’s own.

So at what point in the dating process do I say

“oh by the way I have an IQ off the chart, I have Aspergers so I literally see the world differently to you and I happen to have a mental illness but I’m really nice, well mostly so long as my meds are working”

Mmmmm sounds like an amusing profile designed to catch the eye and make you laugh, till you realise this is my reality!

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