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I’m out of ideas!

As you would have noticed I haven’t written for this blog site for a while.  It’s not because I’m lazy it was because I was a little busy trying to fix my mental, physical and emotional health problems.  Why did I stop the whole husband hunt side of things while I was doing this?  I realised while having a massive mental health crisis that there wasn’t much point in husband hunting to find someone who’d love me if I didn’t even really like me let alone love myself.

As it turns out I’m high functioning autistic with communication difficulties and co-morbid ADHD so fixing me isn’t going to happen but learning to love me as me has happened.  Medication for the ADHD means I can now sit still for more than 2 minutes and have a conversation without it taking a huge amount of effort to stay on topic.  No medication will help with my autism but behavioural therapy is helping me learn that emotionally and mentally I’m wired a little differently so I’m never going to be “normal”, which is fine and I’m leaning better coping skills, social skills and how to not make stupid chaos making decisions.  If you want full details on the whole autistic side of my life go read The Cutting Cookies Circus my blog all about my diagnostic journey and autistic view of life.

So I’m now closing in on 18 months of being in the care of my amazing Psychiatrist and 14 months of working with my incredibly paitent Psychologist for behavioural therapy.  I’ve started my own business Aunty Emz Blankets started joining social networks with the help of my business buddy Crystal C & A Beauty By Design both to meet people and to build business contact here on the Sunshine Coast, joined 2 book clubs and so on and so forth.  Basically I’ve started to build a life here on the Sunshine Coast and for the foreseeable future I will be staying here so I decided it was time to put my big girl panties on and gratefully glide back into the dating world.

As you’ve probably guessed by the title of this blog I’ve hit a bit of a glitch with my plan to gracefully glide back into the dating world as a fully formed, loving thy self goddess that I am.

WHATS THE PROBLEM

I have no idea how to find eligible bachelors to date on the Sunshine Coast!

  • Bar/Pub/Club – ah no because I don’t drink alcohol, I’m autistic and frankly if you’re over 30 and still looking for husband material in bar/pub/club you are in all probability going to end up with an alcoholic fuck-wit or a toy boy looking for a sugar mama
  • Match Maker (Relationship Consultancy Service) – they either no longer exist because they’ve been wiped out by the Online versions or the Sunshine Coast doesn’t have any I’m not sure which but either way I can’t find even one to go talk to.
  • Internet Dating Sites/Mobile Apps – The free to use ones are frankly shit I know I’ve tried most of them and if I’m going to pay for the privilege of been sent on bad dates I at least want the ability to walk into an office and talk to a living, breathing human about improving the process.
  • Speed Dating – not one speed dating company runs any events on the Sunshine Coast.  Closest event I can find is in Brisbane (roughly 2 hours south of where I live) so the event might cost $20 to attend but add in petrol, parking, post event stress triggered therapy and I’d be looking at upwards of $150 in real costs.  Plus if I did actually make a mutual match with an eligible bachelor he’d be living anywhere from 2 to 4 hours drive away from where I live so not exactly a good start (especially when you’re unemployed yet again and petrol is around $1.25 to $1.38 a litre).
  • MeetUp Groups – yeah nah one thing I’ve learnt about being autistic is I am never going to be comfortable with meeting a whole bunch of new people at once and unfortunately all my girl pals here on the coast are not single so they can’t join and come as my security blanket. Plus looking at the age groups at 43 I’m in the no group for you range.  I did look and found social single groups for 25-35, 30-40 and 50+ all of which make a point if telling you that you must show proof of age when first attending and if you’ve fib on your application and are too old/young for the group you’ve attempted to join you’ll be removed from the group and blocked from their social media sites.
  • Table For 6 (or similar) – ummmm no for a couple of reasons like cost because you have to pay either a 6-12 month membership fee plus you pay for your meal every time you attend an event.  I’m currently unemployed (again) and the Aunty Emz Blankets as yet isn’t making money so what little money I have is being spent on things like food, petrol, medication, Psychiatrist visit and other things I need to stay alive and healthy.  Plus when you start digging into the T&Cs they state that even though you’ve faithfully paid your 6 or 12 month membership fee there is no guarantee you’ll ever actually get a spot on a table in the time period of your membership it all depends on the amount of people in the age group they will put you in so to many or to few in your age group and you miss out on a spot.
  • Team Sport or Group Anything – do not even go there people I’m autistic I don’t do TEAM or GROUP anything.  Hell I even have a mini panic attack turning up to my pilate classe at CGM Pilates and I’ve been going there for 2 months so it’s not like I’ve never met my class mates or instructor before I see them every week.

So I’m 100% out of ideas – please feel free to comment with suggestions, advice and possible good ideas oh hell even possibly bad ideas would be welcome at this point in time.

 

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SBS Show - How to Find Love Online, Uncategorized

SBS Show – How to Find Love Online

Generally as a rule I’m not one for just watching TV I tend to bing watch on Netflix while crocheting baby blankets but every now and then I’ll catch an ad for something that I’ll make a point of watching.

On Sunday 12th June I made a point of watching “How To Find Love Online” on SBS (hyperlinked to the On Demand version), mainly because the ad I sore for it made me dead curious.

The official blurb from SBS is – The Internet has transformed every part of our lives and is now changing arguably the most important part – our love lives. Internet dating is now the second most common way that couples meet. But what is the best way to make the online search for love successful? What are the ‘matchmaking’ algorithms that the big companies use? Do they really deliver the goods, or is it just clever marketing and actually a giant con? And is there really any science involved? Dr Hannah Fry and Dr Xand Van Tulleken investigate. (From the UK) (Documentary) G CC.

My main reason for wanting to watch it was because it was a rare view of online dating from a males point of view.  Think about it 99% of blogs, articles, documentaries or books on the subject of online dating are written by women for women and from a women’s point of view.  So a rare glimpse into the male mindset on the subject is a not to be missed opportunity.

I found out some fascinating things watching this show

  1. Men get as frustrated and fed up as women do with the fake profiles, bad dates and being the only single left in your group of family/friends.
  2. E-harmony has one advantage over other sites it’s in-depth (and irritating) questions do weed out narcissistic and sociopathic personalities.  So if anyone you’re on a date with tells you e-harmony couldn’t match them run away very fast.
  3. Photos matter – Doesn’t matter if we girls are looking for a breeder, feeder, toy-boy or travel buddy if they have photos of themselves smiling and doing outdoors activities especially with pets we’re more likely to click “like” than if the photos are idiotic, indoors or unsmiling and the revers is true men like their women healthy, happy and active.
  4. Nice guy profiles don’t cut it – we (the female of the species) apparently prefer the warrior over the caring type so men should put things like “worked in deployed environments” rather than “worked for UN in refugee camps helping abused women” (Are we really that fickle? *ok yeah I am I like men in uniform sigh*)
  5. Suggestion of Like or Dislike works – if someone tells you that these people are perfect for you and you matched really well you’re actually more likely to like them than if you’re told you’ll dislike everyone in the group.
  6. Optimum Stopping Theory will incrust your probability of meeting someone if you’re using a swipe and gripe program like Tinder.

Out of all of the information the Optimum Stopping Theory was the most fascinating.  To put it simply if you give yourself a limit of 100 profiles to view and then swipe no to the first 37 and then stop on the first profile between 38 and 100 you’ve interested in the likelihood of finding true love by 37% better than just randomly swiping like or dislike.  Sounds nuts but when using a swipe and gripe program like Tinder any advantage is helpful.  I really wanted to try this theory but Tinder apparently has some issue working on my phone and keeps putting a pop-up message telling me to log in despite the fact I’m logged in and using the app.

If you’ve never used a program like Tinder you’re wondering why I call it a Swipe and Gripe app.  The way Tinder works is you look at a photo and swipe left for not interested and swipe right for interested and then spend enormous amounts of time griping to your friends about how crap the dates you go on are.

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RUEA

RUEA or R U Emotionally Available

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This book should be called “The HERE & NOW – are you in it?” because effectively that is what the entire book asks in every single chapter.  The book up to page 79 is a series of short chapters that basically ask if you are living in Dreamland, Utopia, Fantasy Land, The Past or any other place in relationship world that is not right here right now reality.  If you are anywhere other than right here right now reality then you’re not emotionally ready or equipped to handle a new relationship.

A big part of Emotional Availability is apparently transcending from normal human to the evolved species that has connected with it’s EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Apparently Emotional Intelligence is reach if you can answer yes to all of the following:

  • Have a clear understanding of who you are
  • Be able to understand and manage yourself and your emotions
  • Be able to self-reflect
  • Think outside your own reality and have empathy and compassion for others
  • Be able to work through difficult issues in relationships
  • communicate your feelings honestly and openly
  • Be able to listen, comprehend and absorb another persons words
  • be intuitively of another persons emotional needs

Personally I would have called that a checklist for being an ADULT but then again I’ve been on dates where none of the above apply so guess they have a point.  I still don’t see how ticking off all of the above is going to help get me Mr Right unless I present him with the checklist and if he ticks all the boxes then he’s perfect right……..

On the topic of actually finding Mr Right the authors unfortunately peddle the same shit everyone else says, which is basically “get out there and join things and find people to date”.  Join groups, go on blind dates, go online, find a matchmaker, never say no to an invitation for anything and somehow if you’re Emotionally Available he will magically appear and it’ll all be sunshine and roses.  Going to admit this section of the book had me rolling my eyes and thinking oh yeah right and I can shit rainbows because I’ve been there done that I tick all the above boxes for Emotional Intelligence and guess what I’m still single!!!!!

I did have to smile on page 80 when the authors say

“People talk all the time about how much time/effort/money they’ve invested in their education/home/job/hobbies but how often do you hear people talk about how much they’ve invested in their emotional intelligence.  It’s hard to imagine being at a party chatting to someone and them telling you how much they’ve invested in their self improvement like listening skills”.

I have actually heard that conversation while I was in LA last year,  I was eves dropping on the table next to me who were having a dinner party conversation.   One girl was saying something like “it’s not just how you look in this industry it’s about how you express yourself I’ve been taking classes in how to connect more with my audience” I’m not sure how well the classes where going as she totally missed the bored out of my brain expression on the face of the guy she was talking to.

The funnest thing about this book was the art work in it some of which didn’t exactly correspond to the written detail in the chapter it was attached to and in some cases it got the point across far better than the written words.

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The Day I Shot Cupid

The Day I Shot Cupid

Cupid Shoot Front Cupid Shoot inside

Going to admit when I picked this book up in the Library I did not realise it had been written by Jennifer Love Hewitt and if I had I probably wouldn’t have read it.  I mean here is a girl who looks perfect, makes millions and could have her pick of guys what an earth is she going to tell me about finding Mr Right.

As it turns out she’s just like the rest of us who are looking for Mr Right.  She’s dated and even been engaged to enough Mr Wrong to know both what she wants in a relationship but also the pit falls in finding Mr Right For You.  She even admits to the body image issues of getting older like cellulite and the moment you go OMG I’ve inherited Grandma Jane’s spider vein on my legs, but in her case instead of having THAT moment in your own bathroom followed by ice-cream happy fix in the kitchen, she’s had to deal with it being all over the front of Magazines with others commenting on it and no amount of ice-cream in the kitchen makes that a good day.

The book is written with a far amount of humour and even has one section written by a male friend of her’s who’s advice is stop trying to be thin men like big butts and something they can hold onto.  The few peaces of advice she gives that are not stock standard are worth paying attention to which are;

1. In the first few months spend time really listening to what he says about everything preferably without “oh wow he’s so perfect” filters on because what comes out of his mouth is the true him and people for short time periods might act different but in reality we never change so the real him will surface sooner or later.  For example he might say he’s calm under presser and as soon as he’s in even minor traffic he rants, foams at the mouth and verbally abuses every other driver (that’s the real him you’re hearing right there not the cool, calm & collected guy he’s pretending to be to impress you).

2. Buy a Tiara and wear it – ok this is the oddest peace of advice I’ve ever heard but her advice is buy a tiara and wear it because every girl should feel like a princess.  Wear it while having a bubble bath after a bad day, wear it after a bad date while you pamper yourself to remind you that you are wonderful, wear it out on your birthday to dinner because it’s YOUR day to feel like a princess.  Her personal trainer even recommends wearing it while exercising because even hot, sweaty and exhausted you feel like a princess wearing a tiara.

3. Take time to look after you and exercise no matter what is going on in his world, your world or your joined worlds you need to get out of bed, get your ass moving and be the fabulous you that you know you can be for you not for any one else.  The get out and get moving is especially important post breakup after all there is no better revenge than running into an X and knowing you look and feel fabulous especially if he’s the sort who’ll have expected you to keel over in a screaming heap only able to get out of bed to buy more chocolate.

The book is light hearted easy to read and if you’re a fast reader then it’ll only take you a couple of hours (uninterrupted) since  the chapters are short and in some cases it’s literally dot point one line sentences.  Over all it was an enjoyable read and it does contain some useful information especially on helping him buy the right engagement ring without actually dragging his ass into a shop and going “buy that one”.

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