LIGHT BULB!

LIGHT BULB!

Last weekend I was sitting on the lounge flicking through books and attempting to decide which book to crack open next and I’ll admit having a bit of a “araghhh all these books say the same crap” moment of irrational anger.

They all say things along the lines of

  • You have to love you before you can love someone else
  • Know what you’re looking for and be specific when writing it down
  • Fake it till you make it
  • Think yourself into the healthy you that you want to be
  • You are what you eat (one more stick thin gym junky says this to me and I’m going to eat them)

So why was this all shitting me off?

Because I’ve been through counselling post death and cancer, I’ve had 2 life coaches (both awesome women), I’ve seen a psychologist and I have a psychology degree so I know me inside out and backwards.  I would have said I knew exactly what I was looking for in a partner and if you could think yourself thin I’d be a half my body size by now.  I’ve followed the advice in these books by writing down what I want in a partner, going out on dates and letting the universe know I’m ready for my true love to sweep me off my feet.

AND GUESS WHAT I”M STILL FUCKING SINGLE SO ALL THAT WORK AND ADVICE HAS DONE —— NOTHING

I decided to read “Find Love – How to Meet The One Who’s Right For You” by Carolin Dahlman mainly because this is the first book of this sort I’ve found written by someone in Australia so it’s technically slightly more relevant to my life than say something from the USA or UK.  I’ll link to the review of this book when I finish reading it and actually write the review!

I was expecting to hate it considering the mood I was in then In the introduction I read two sentences:

“For example last winter I was really keen on moving from Sweden to Australia and therefore wasn’t ready to enter into a relationship that would keep me in Sweden.  There was internal resistance in me”

And I very suddenly I had a Felonius Gru Moment:     IMG_4310

So what was my “LIGHT BULB” moment?  For all that I really want to find that guy I can put as my In Case Of Emergency or Next Of Kin on forms and know that he’ll be there when they call I need him to fit into my world.  You’ve all just gone “your world” how different can your would actually be?

Very different I am a gypsy literally I don’t stay anywhere very long and even when I am living in one spot I’m likely to be travelling for work or plotting my next move.  To put this in prospective I’ve moved 21 times in 17 years and only 4 of those where in the same area doing the same job all the other moves where things like one end of the country to the other and starting a new job.  Working short term contract or in positions where I come in, do the data clean up and move on to the next project suits me down to the ground.

As odd as it sounds I’ve never really thought about how a husband would fit into my lifestyle despite the universe trying very hard to give me hints that I was possibly looking at my dating life from the wrong angle.  I remember way back when I was in a relationship and we’d just ramped it up from friends to lovers and despite having conversations about possibly moving in with him when my lease was up I was applying for jobs all over the country and I never told him until I was offered a new job in a town in a totally different state.  Then there was the conversation with a now x-housemate about “perfect life” and she was saying she wants the white picket fence, bundle of kids, stay at home mum life where hubby comes home every night at the same time etc and I said to her “oh my god that is my idea of hell”.  Then this year I was talking to Evil Genius Mum hubby and bitching he never introduces me to any single guys he knows.  His response was to look at me like I’d lost my mind and he said “all the guys I know want to settle down, buy houses, join community groups and stay in the one spot to build a life.  You would break them when you get fed up and leave”, I thought it was funny at the time but thinking about it he’s very very right I don’t do “settled” in fact the thought of buying a house and staying put gives me hives.

The last couple of years I’ve still been going through the motions of “husband hunting” but my heart hasn’t really been in it and I couldn’t figure out why.  But now i know why I stopped believing I was going to “settle down” and I accepted the fact I would be a gypsy for the rest of my life so despite looking for a husband I had already subconsciously realised that dating with the intention of “settling down” was a total waste of my time because that’s not how I live my life.

I still want to find a guy I can marry but my frame of reference has now changed I need to find the guy who is either happy to be a gypsy with me or is willing to let me come and go from our home base without freaking out.  So far I haven’t met many men who would fit this rather odd niche.

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Wood Nymph Seeks Centaur

Wood Nymph Seeks Centaur – A Mythological Dating Guide

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Wood Nymph Seeks Centaur is actually less a dating guide since it does not tell you where to find dates or how to behave on date as it is a quiz book to find the type of Mythological Creature you are and the best “type” of Mythological Creature you are suited to for a relationship.

The way she describes things makes the book easy to read and very entertaining.  For instance she describes her experience of being a first time online dater as “feeling like I had wandered into a dark thicket and lost my way. I was suddenly in a foreign, twisted, tangled forest without a map or a guidebook to help me understand all the new creatures that surrounded me. “.  This is a description I totally get I feel the same every time I venture into a new chapter of my dating life.

So she developed her survival strategy which was to come up with a system of classifying people herself included into what she knows best “Mythological Creatures”.  From that point she found it easy to work out best, worst and possibly might work types to date based on her classifications system.

The book is easy to navigate it starts out with “personality type descriptions” and from there you then look up what Mythological creature you are based on your personality type and then you go look up how your mythological creature interacts with others.

I’ll admit I was sceptical at first but I did what the instructions said and at first I swung between the personality type of “Urban Elf” and “Banshee” till I read the full description of both and I am 110% a Banshee.  Ironically Banshee best match is a Werewolf, which is hilarious because I’ve always said I like dog better then people and lets face it a Werewolf is just a big dog.

She does state in the book that you might find despite the fact your gender is female your mythological creature type might be male and vice versa.  She also has sections on “mixers” people who don’t neatly fit into one mythological creature type but are say a combo of “Fairy/Vampire” which she calls Night Fairies.  The book caters for all types as it has Male-Female, Male-Male and Female-Female matching sections and can be used both for dating or any other area of your life where you are going to be letting someone get close to you (e.g. friendship, business partner).

What the book is not going to tell you is where to find your ideal partner although when you read the descriptions of the typical activities enjoyed by this type of mythological creature in the full type descriptions you’ll find good hints as to where to go hunting.  For example you are likely to find “Urban Elves” male or female in their favourite coffee shop watching people and blogging on their laptops or Vampires are unlikely to be found at the beach unless it’s after dark and they are watching the moon rise.

Personally as someone who grew up loving fair tails and Roman/Greek myths I love this book and it really does make it less terrifying trying to work out if the person your interested in is likely to be a good match for you because it’s suddenly fun trying to work out which Mythological Creature your prospective partner is.

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RUEA

RUEA or R U Emotionally Available

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This book should be called “The HERE & NOW – are you in it?” because effectively that is what the entire book asks in every single chapter.  The book up to page 79 is a series of short chapters that basically ask if you are living in Dreamland, Utopia, Fantasy Land, The Past or any other place in relationship world that is not right here right now reality.  If you are anywhere other than right here right now reality then you’re not emotionally ready or equipped to handle a new relationship.

A big part of Emotional Availability is apparently transcending from normal human to the evolved species that has connected with it’s EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Apparently Emotional Intelligence is reach if you can answer yes to all of the following:

  • Have a clear understanding of who you are
  • Be able to understand and manage yourself and your emotions
  • Be able to self-reflect
  • Think outside your own reality and have empathy and compassion for others
  • Be able to work through difficult issues in relationships
  • communicate your feelings honestly and openly
  • Be able to listen, comprehend and absorb another persons words
  • be intuitively of another persons emotional needs

Personally I would have called that a checklist for being an ADULT but then again I’ve been on dates where none of the above apply so guess they have a point.  I still don’t see how ticking off all of the above is going to help get me Mr Right unless I present him with the checklist and if he ticks all the boxes then he’s perfect right……..

On the topic of actually finding Mr Right the authors unfortunately peddle the same shit everyone else says, which is basically “get out there and join things and find people to date”.  Join groups, go on blind dates, go online, find a matchmaker, never say no to an invitation for anything and somehow if you’re Emotionally Available he will magically appear and it’ll all be sunshine and roses.  Going to admit this section of the book had me rolling my eyes and thinking oh yeah right and I can shit rainbows because I’ve been there done that I tick all the above boxes for Emotional Intelligence and guess what I’m still single!!!!!

I did have to smile on page 80 when the authors say

“People talk all the time about how much time/effort/money they’ve invested in their education/home/job/hobbies but how often do you hear people talk about how much they’ve invested in their emotional intelligence.  It’s hard to imagine being at a party chatting to someone and them telling you how much they’ve invested in their self improvement like listening skills”.

I have actually heard that conversation while I was in LA last year,  I was eves dropping on the table next to me who were having a dinner party conversation.   One girl was saying something like “it’s not just how you look in this industry it’s about how you express yourself I’ve been taking classes in how to connect more with my audience” I’m not sure how well the classes where going as she totally missed the bored out of my brain expression on the face of the guy she was talking to.

The funnest thing about this book was the art work in it some of which didn’t exactly correspond to the written detail in the chapter it was attached to and in some cases it got the point across far better than the written words.

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The Day I Shot Cupid

The Day I Shot Cupid

Cupid Shoot Front Cupid Shoot inside

Going to admit when I picked this book up in the Library I did not realise it had been written by Jennifer Love Hewitt and if I had I probably wouldn’t have read it.  I mean here is a girl who looks perfect, makes millions and could have her pick of guys what an earth is she going to tell me about finding Mr Right.

As it turns out she’s just like the rest of us who are looking for Mr Right.  She’s dated and even been engaged to enough Mr Wrong to know both what she wants in a relationship but also the pit falls in finding Mr Right For You.  She even admits to the body image issues of getting older like cellulite and the moment you go OMG I’ve inherited Grandma Jane’s spider vein on my legs, but in her case instead of having THAT moment in your own bathroom followed by ice-cream happy fix in the kitchen, she’s had to deal with it being all over the front of Magazines with others commenting on it and no amount of ice-cream in the kitchen makes that a good day.

The book is written with a far amount of humour and even has one section written by a male friend of her’s who’s advice is stop trying to be thin men like big butts and something they can hold onto.  The few peaces of advice she gives that are not stock standard are worth paying attention to which are;

1. In the first few months spend time really listening to what he says about everything preferably without “oh wow he’s so perfect” filters on because what comes out of his mouth is the true him and people for short time periods might act different but in reality we never change so the real him will surface sooner or later.  For example he might say he’s calm under presser and as soon as he’s in even minor traffic he rants, foams at the mouth and verbally abuses every other driver (that’s the real him you’re hearing right there not the cool, calm & collected guy he’s pretending to be to impress you).

2. Buy a Tiara and wear it – ok this is the oddest peace of advice I’ve ever heard but her advice is buy a tiara and wear it because every girl should feel like a princess.  Wear it while having a bubble bath after a bad day, wear it after a bad date while you pamper yourself to remind you that you are wonderful, wear it out on your birthday to dinner because it’s YOUR day to feel like a princess.  Her personal trainer even recommends wearing it while exercising because even hot, sweaty and exhausted you feel like a princess wearing a tiara.

3. Take time to look after you and exercise no matter what is going on in his world, your world or your joined worlds you need to get out of bed, get your ass moving and be the fabulous you that you know you can be for you not for any one else.  The get out and get moving is especially important post breakup after all there is no better revenge than running into an X and knowing you look and feel fabulous especially if he’s the sort who’ll have expected you to keel over in a screaming heap only able to get out of bed to buy more chocolate.

The book is light hearted easy to read and if you’re a fast reader then it’ll only take you a couple of hours (uninterrupted) since  the chapters are short and in some cases it’s literally dot point one line sentences.  Over all it was an enjoyable read and it does contain some useful information especially on helping him buy the right engagement ring without actually dragging his ass into a shop and going “buy that one”.

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Love & Sex, What Women Don't Know About Men

What Women Don’t Know About Men, Love & Sex

Front cover Inside cover

I honestly thought this book would be aimed at single women trying to find MR RIGHT but no this book is in fact aimed at the already dating, engaged or married set who for whatever reason don’t seem to understand their man.

The people who write and publish Men’s Health Magazine did a survey of over 5,000 men in the Men, Love & Sex Poll and this book is the resulting output of those statistics into something readable.  The book is full of quotes, statistical information, explanations of what that stats means in real life situations, what to say to him and what not to say to him.  Some of the book gave good advice like when he comes home give him time to settle into “being home” before you bombard him with questions. Make questions specific like “so did Mr Jones fire the new admin” rather than “how was your day”.   If you just need to vent and you don’t want him trying to “fix” whatever the problem is then tell him you just want to vent and he just needs to listen not fix it.  Just like you he needs his emotional ego stoked occasionally so tell him he did good or he’s looking hot (especially if he’s made an effort to clean up for a special occasion).  The no answer thing might be for your own good because he’s smart enough to know you love the new dress you just bought and you feel good in it so he might think the colour is hideous but he’s not going to say that because he doesn’t want to hurt you.  Don’t flip out if he looks at other women  if she’s attractive then everyone including you is probably looking at her.  If he wanks off don’t stress it’s not that he doesn’t find you attractive or thinks you’re not giving him enough sex, it’s stress relief.  If he say’s “it’s not you it’s me” when he breaks up with you he’s lying but he doesn’t want to be the bad guy who broke your heart by telling you you’re a controlling bitch and he’d rather chew his own arm off than marry you.

The two issues I had with the book was that one section of it basically said that if you’re not revving your man’s engine at home then you can expect him to find someone else to rev it for him.  Men are more sexual beings than women so he’s always going to be on the look out for the opportunity to jump your bones so if you show him affection expect him to try for sex – this little peace of info totally contradicts the “just give him an unexpected hug it’ll stroke his ego and show you love him he won’t take it as an invite for sex” perviously stated in the book.

Unless you are a total princess who’s had very little to do with boys growing up or men in your job or personal life this book really doesn’t tell you much that isn’t common sense.  Personally I’ve never had an issue with communicating with guys maybe the fact my 3 best friends pre-puberty were boys and most of my adult career has been spent in male dominated industries means I’ve learnt how men think.  Actually I think it’s got more to do with the fact I’m a logical not emotional thinker so my reaction to any situation is to find the answer and fix it which is apparently how the male brain works.  It doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally do the emotional melt down trust me I do but it takes A LOT to push me to that point.

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