Tinder! why the hype, Uncategorized

Tinder! why the hype

I’d like to acknowledge I nicked the featured image off the web it came from a page called Tinder Man – Tinder Junkie  – click the name to jump to his page it’s a good page if you’re interested in Dating Apps.

Can’t believe I’m going to admit this but I’ve been single long enough to remember when Tinder was launched as an app for iPhone and later Android devices way back in 2012.  At the time from a purely geek-nerd prospective it was brilliant because it fully utilised  the touch screen technology on your phone by the Swipe Left = No or Swipe Right = Yes plus an algorithm that only allowed contact if you both mutually said Yes.  The original version also had the capacity to create a profile from scratch adding the information you thought was relevant.

The Tinder programmers being wise and oddly attentive to what end users were saying about fake profiles-scammers have now made it harder to not be who you say you are by only allowing profiles to be created if you have a Facebook account to link to and they also like to link to you Instagram just to prove you are you.  Oddly this means most profiles  in Tinder contain wrong information because people don’t update their Facebook info with new jobs, new qualifications, the place they are now living or just about anything really and you can’t manually change the information in Tinder it’s locked to sucking it out of Facebook only.

From launch day in 2012 it has been one of those apps in the dating world that literally everyone talks about.  Mostly the user rave about how easy it is to use, how genuine the profiles are, people are friendly, for a free app it’s mostly glitch free and so on and so forth.  There is what I’ll call the 10% who’ve had bad experiences with Tinder and HATE it with a passion, oddly they are tough to find but they are out there.

Way back in the day when I used an Android device I tried Tinder and decided I was a 10% who hated it more because of technical issues with my phone than the app its self.  Once I shifted to iPhone I again tried Tinder on a version before you had to link to Facebook and go hit by so many dick pics and scammers I confirmed my place in the 10% of HATERS and never intended to use it again.

I really should learn not to say the world “never” because it always comes back to bite me. So back in April/May 2016 I tried to download and use Tinder and I hit what is the worst glitch I’ve ever seen in an App and even Tinder doesn’t know why it happens.  To create a Tinder profile you must first create a log in, tell Tinder to link to Facebook, confirm with Facebook that yes you’re allowing Tinder to link to it and then Tinder sucks info out of Facebook to create your Tinder Profile.  However the Looping Glitch as I’ve nicknamed it happens when only part of the information is sucked out of Facebook to Tinder and then every 5 seconds (yes I counted how long it takes) in your Tinder app you get a popup message asking you to allow access to Facebook but it never actually allows you to reconnect to Facebook.

Because Tinder wouldn’t let me link to Facebook and create an account naturally I was determined to solve the problem and create a profile.  It took me till halfway through June to suddenly have it all work.  No idea why I just kept trying every trick listed on Google sites on how to fix the issue (there is a whole range of reasons the looping glitch can happen).

So since June I’ve been using Tinder and swiping left or right as I like.  However it’s really not doing much for me apart from the occasional interesting conversation via the messaging section of the app.  It seems to be if I do hit a mutual match I’m the one starting a conversation and either their profile just vanishes because they’ve “unmatched” me or I never hear back from them.  The ones I do hear back from are all woooo hoooo gung-ho till they realise that nope I really truly am not interested in casual sex then they to poof vanish off the message area.

Now I thought it was just me and that me being picky was the problem.  However I overheard a couple of girls probably mid 20s the other night basically bitching about the same issues I have with Tinder that the guys don’t fill out their profiles and they say they  are looking for more than casual sex but they’re not blah blah blah.  I was wondering by now if men view Tinder as a dating app or a pickup app when my lil sis in London rang to chat and the topic came up about Tinder.  Turns out the night before she’d been out to drinks and dinner with a male buddy of her’s and he’d bitched about how he’s made it clear he’s looking for someone to settle down with and all the women who contact him either haven’t bother to fill out their profile or only want casual relationships.  So apparently no it’s not just girls finding Tinder isn’t really a good place to find anything that might turn into a relationship.

Which makes me wonder in a world were swiping touch screen technology is common, the matching algorithm is used by just about every dating site and the profiles are largely incorrect because it sucks the info out of Facebook and you can’t edit it.  Why is Tinder still one of the highest rated apps, raved about by millions (according to Tinder) and used by so many?

I really don’t get the hype it’s not that good an app!

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Mental Illness when to you fess up?

Mental Illness when do you fess up?

You’ll all have noticed I’ve been off line for over 6 months which for someone who was a prolific blogger is a little odd.  Did I meet the man of my dreams and settle down to happy domestic bliss?  Aha no that would have been a lot funner but probably just as frustrating as what has been going on.

So what has been happening?  Once I got back from London in October 2015 I ended up having to give up work because I got so ill I literally couldn’t get out of bed.  Unhappy with my medical care I found a new doctor who did something a little radical he took me off all existing medication, ran a million tests, reviewed what meds I had been on and why and if they were interacting badly etc.  Basically he took me back to basics, changed a couple of things like my blood pressure meds and somehow got my migraines under control without Codeine based pain killers.

This should have been the woooohooooo moment were I got my life back after 20 years of being at the mercy of the cycle of migraines and codeine based pain med addiction.  My liver and kidney function improved and my blood pressure stabilised  but my brain broke.  Suddenly without up to 8 codeine based pills which are opiate (narcotic) analgesics suppressing my brain waves my brain went wonky, really really wonky. My anxiety got so bad I vomited just driving passed where I used to work, I couldn’t find my keys one day and ended up sitting on the floor rocking back and forth crying because it stressed me out so bad and so on.

My doctor decided to try anti-anxiety drugs but with heavy monitoring (I had to see him every 3 days).  This to me seemed a little like over kill considering my x-doctor back in 2008 put me on a dose of antidepressants that should technically only have been prescribed by a psychiatrist and after a week without any suicidal reactions never reviewed it again, just kept handing me scripts even after I told them I’d stopped taking the pills.

However new doctor insisted on heavy monitoring and thank the goddess he did because I got worse not better, so we tried a different type of drug and again I got worse.  At this point my doctor went – your reaction to these pills is really wrong and spent a very extended visit asking me a million questions and ticking boxes on forms.  He then very very gently informed me he was 99% sure I had Bipolar but he would need to send me to a Psychiatrist for a full diagnosis and he wasn’t prescribing anything till I’d seen the specialist but till then I was on weekly visits so he could monitor my moods and ensure I was functioning and not becoming catatonically depressed or suicidal.

Functioning I was only just managing but at least someone wasn’t just shoving pills at me and telling me to go away. So I’ve now been seeing my Psychiatrist for a couple of months and I’m not bipolar but I do have mode instability that I now take anti-psychotics to control. What I am is Autistic (High Functioning) with Communication and Social Interaction issues and co-morbid ADHD.  The ADHD is treatable with drugs, being Autistic isn’t really treatable but behavioural therapy will help me learn to deal with lifes ups & downs better, we hope!

From my point of view finding out that yes I am crazy but it’s not hormones, stress levels, imaginary or whatever is in one respect nice because I know what’s wrong and we’re working on treating it.  Well, at least we can treat the ADHD, the Autism isn’t treatable but I can learn better strategies for coping when information overload happens.  I might even eventually learn to read facial expressions and body language (hopefully).

The downside – eventually after I put the jigsaw puzzle peaces of my life back together I have to start back on the dating roundabout.

Why is this a downside?  Here’s a fun little test for you – say the first 5 things that come to mind when you hear the words Autistic, ADHD or Anti-Psychotic Medication……………

On that list you probably have things like –

  1. crazy,
  2. mood swinging nutter,
  3. psycho,
  4. boil the bunny obsessive,
  5. hyperactive,
  6. depressed,
  7. suicidal,
  8. flaky
  9. Makes Wade Wilson look sane
  10. Way to much work,
  11. constantly moving, twitching and unable to sit still
  12. can’t be hugged or touched without a wall punching melt down and so on and so forth

Not very positive or complementary is it.  Would you want to date someone who you know can have extreme mood swings, constantly wondering which version of the person you’re going to wake up next to (depressed, hyper-happy, anxious, irritated, hyper-sexuallised). Don’t get me started on how the media portrays people who are Autistic or have other mental illness because that’s an entire rant on its own.

So at what point in the dating process do I say

“oh by the way I’m technically classified as being disabled and mentally ill because I’m autistic so I’m not neurotypical, but I’m supper smart with an IQ above genius level, however I get a little scatty if I forget to take my dexamphetamine every 3 hours to control my ADHD “

Mmmmm sounds like an amusing profile designed to catch the eye and make you laugh, till you realise this is my reality!

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Disconnected From Reality

Disconnected From Reality

We’re now up to 2010 so by now I had been husband hunting for 7 years.  Between my last date and this one I had died twice in one night, survived cancer, permanently lost my ability to have kids at 33, had two family members unexpectedly die finishing my Psychology degree, moved from the Sunshine Coast to Melbourne and survived a major depressive episode that required 2 years of antidepressants and therapy just to function so I figured it really didn’t matter what hand-grenades life tossed in my path I would be able to deal with it.

For the entire 18 months I lived in Melbourne I went on 1 date and it was close to the end of my stay down there after I’d successfully come off my antidepressants and seemed to be coping ok.  Emotionally I was still relatively numb so when things that would once of stressed me out happened I didn’t really react much which considering this date was probably a good thing.

I got sent on this date by a guy who specialises in finding rich men the next wife.  Despite the fact I was a bigger lady which would normally have meant he didn’t take me on as a client, I fitted a niche field he was having problems finding women to fill he termed it the “end of career to regiment wife”.  Basically he was looking for women in their late 30s to early 40s who were intelligent, childless, presentable and above all else not interested in having kids.  WHY?  He had clients on the books who’d done the first wife, gone through the mid-life divorce marry Barbie doll thing and now wanted a wife who didn’t have kids and wouldn’t want them who would be an asset to their career and enjoy early remittent with them while still active and able to adventure their way around the world together in 5 start luxury.  Since my profile is childless, 3 university degrees, interesting career background, still healthy and active, under 50, reasonable attractive if a little over weight and most importantly totally unable to have kids – I was THE perfect candidate.  He was so desperate to have me on the book he even put me on for free and considering his normal charge is between $250, 000 and $500,000 for 6 months membership depending on your “spousal requirements” a free membership says volumes about how marketable I was.

So I was set up with a guy who was apparently in his mid 40s, owned his own international business and several properties in Melbourne and overseas and was somewhere between uber-wealthy and Millionaire in the personal wealth scale.  On the phone he seemed a little odd but I put it down to him working at the same time as talking to me (I could hear the keyboard keys clicking in the background as we spoke).  He told me he was over 6 foot tall and looked a lot like Gary Ablett (he’s a famous Melbourne AFL Player see Photo below fro reference).

Gary Ablett Geelong AFL Club

Gary Ablett Geelong AFL Club

So the appointed day and time came around and I dressed up in date clothes which naturally included my fire engine red 4 inch heels.  I’m 5 foot 7inches tall so with 4 inch heels I stand just under 6 foot the supposed hight of my date.  I’m punctual to the point of irritating and I’m not overly found of being kept waiting my anyone let alone someone I’m meeting for a date.  When he was over 15 min late I rang and watched as the just over 5 foot 7 inch tall, rail thin, bald guy in a badly fitting suite across the road answered his phone and I mentally ground just knowing this was the guy I was supposed to be meeting and sure enough I was correct.

The fact he was shorter, skinnier and balder and than expected I could deal with but when he got up close enough for me to really see him I discovered he was totally hairless.  I’m intelligent enough to know it was a medical condition but it was still creepy that this guy had no hair at all, no facial hair, no eye lashes, no hair on his head and no eyebrows.  Oddly it was the no eyebrows that creeped me out the most. Have you ever tried holding a conversation with someone without eyebrows it is harder than you would think and until them I never realised how much I read someones facial expressions to ensure I’m understanding what is being said to me.

After the initial hi how are you shake hands thing I let him pick the coffee shop and out of all the coffee shops in St Kilda to go to he picked the worst one so I knew he didn’t regularly drink coffee in St Kilda despite the fact he’d told me on the phone he lived in St Kilda.  He hadn’t said much by the time we’d ordered coffee and despite the fact the place we were having coffee only had 4 options (flat white, long black, cappuccino or late) it took him over 20 min to make up his mind what coffee to have.  Thankfully the coffee was delivered quickly and wasn’t to hot to drink quickly because this guy was driving me nuts.

If I asked him a question like “did you grow up in Melbourne” his response was a disconnected rant about how the current governments immigration policy was running the country into the ground or “what business are you in” got a rant on how women really should never be put in areas of management in business as they were to emotional to really be effective and so on and so forth.

The other irritating as hell thing about this guy was he did everything in slow motions.  When he blinked you could count the seconds it would take for his eyes to close and reopen (about 6), to put sugar in his coffee he took over 2 minutes and to stir it in took even longer.  But the most irritating thing was he intently watched any movement someone made like kids study bugs so as the girl delivered the coffee he stopped mid rant about something and intently watch every move she made.

When I was nearly finished my coffee I went to pee mainly because I really really really needed to get away from this guy even if it was only for 5 minutes and when i came back he’d gone.  The bar girl was clearing the table when i got back and we had a bit of a conversation about my odd date and her advise was “honey you’re an attractive lady if you decide to give up on the creepy guys come look me up”, I just laughed and thanked her.

I went home and told me housemate about the date who rolled around laughing her ass off.  From that point on I have only been on 2 more coffees date both of which were while I was working FIFO and neither of them were memorable enough to blog about in detail.

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One Word Respondent

One Word Respondent

Having moved back to the Sunshine Coast and had my life turned upside down, inside out and back wards I decided to re-enter the dating world.  This time round I did the online thing, don’t ask me which site because for the life I me I can’t remember.  I quickly learned to be very very picky about what I was and was not interested in and eventually bit the bullet and went on a couple of real live dates.

First guy I meet seemed nice enough online and texting but on the phone was very short in his responses as in he only gave one word answers like yes, no, fine, by.  Since I’m not a big fan of chatting to people I haven’t met in person on the phone I didn’t hold this against him.

So the appointed date and time came around and I was waiting outside Jamaica Blue in Mooloolaba when a he turned up and for once I was truly surprised as he looked exactly like he did in his online profile picture, I’m actually 99% sure he was even wearing the same t-shirt.  This in the online dating world isn’t very common as people tend to use their best or in some cases worst photos to put up so it’s odd for someone to look exactly the same in person as on a profile pic.

The date was short and possibly the most painful social experience I have lived through.  To start with I did the usual “Hi I’m Nikki it’s nice to meet you” thing as you hold out your hand for a hand shake.  His response was mmm and the most dead body handshake I have ever felt.  Seriously his skin was cold and there was little to no effort on his part to move his hand and arm in the normal handshake way and it was creepy.

So we ordered coffee, paid and sat down and OMG it was bad.  He stared at me the entire time but didn’t talk unless I asked questions in which case I got one word responses.  To give you an indication of what it was like the conversation went something like this:

Me – so your profile says you own your own business what do you do?

HIM – Landscaping

Me – oh really how long have you been doing that?

Him – years

Me – have you lived on the coast long?

Him – no

By this stage I was finding it tough to be polite and rapidly running out of things to ask questions about.  Normally I don’t have a problem being social and nattering away with social babble so long as I’m getting some decent feed back that I can work with I can hold a conversation with just about anyone but this guy was giving me nothing to work with.

Eventually I just stopped talking, quickly drank the rest of my coffee, said something like “it was really nice meeting you” and fled.  By the time I got home he’d blocked my profile so it’s not like I could even ask what was with the anti-social one line responses.  If I was suspicious, which I am, I’d think two very different people were talking to me because the online persona was very chatty and funny and well written where as the guy i had coffee with was a walking corps.

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The First In Person Experience

The First In Person – Original Contracts

While de-cluttering my life over the last few months I found a lot of stuff that I needed to put through the shredder.  One of the things that ended up in the shredder pile and has now been turned into something useful (mulch for dads potato patch) was my contract and the Code of Ethics for the First In Person Relationship Consultancy Firm.

Looking back on it the $1650 ($261.50 per fortnight) I paid to be a Gold (VIP) Member for 3 months wasn’t all that much but at the time I was very broke, had debits to pay off and was on a low pay check.  Actually my pay check back then was probably more than I currently make but I was as I said paying off my car and credit cards plus add in general living expenses like rent, fuel, food, phone and medication and my income was just covering my expenses so the $261.50 per fortnight was an irritating bill and considering the bad service and horrible dates it was a painful lesson to learn.

I’ve deliberately blurred out the name of the firm to ensure no legal issues can pop up because knowing my luck with this firm they’d probably find this and sue me for being nasty with my opinion about them.

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Mr Addiction

Mr Addiction

The final date I went on through the dating agency from hell was with a guy who should never have made it past their interview process let alone been sent on dates with people. He rocked up late and looked and smelt like he had been sleeping in his clothes for a week. Turns out he worked at the casino as a black-jack dealer and had worked the night shift so he was a little sleep deprived thus the reason he was late. We went to one of my favorite coffee shops, which was actually the one I’d been using for most of these dates. I’d been there so often on these dates that the head of bar knew my order off by heart and the manager had become a friend.

They guy had been fidgety and moving from one foot to the other outside but when we sat down (inside at his instance) he couldn’t sit still. He was constantly tapping the table, jiggling his feet, moving around in his seat, which got really irritating after about 2 min. Then he took his sunglasses off and his eyeballs were yellow like glow in the dark orbs of bright yellow and his pupils were seriously dilated.

At this point in time I was tempted to just get up and walk out because I’ve unfortunately known enough junkies to recognise one when it’s sitting in front of me. I flat-out asked him if he was high and he said “no I just took a little something to get me going cause I was out really late last night” but then admitted he regularly uses speed to keep himself energised. Turns out he wasn’t only a speed junky he was a gambling addict and most nights after work would go to private poker parties and if he had more than 2 days in a row off he’d go up to Sydney or down to Melbourne to the casinos. He apparently had to go out of state to gamble the amounts he gambled because as a Casino employee he couldn’t gamble where he worked without management realising he had issues.

I spent the 20 minutes it took to drink my coffee fuming that I had wasted my time going out with this idiot and he want on and on and on about how he had this system for some game he was totally hooked on playing and how he just knew he’d hit it big on his next trip to Melbourne.

We finished and went up to the counter to pay and the Manager who was working the till automatically charged Mr Addiction for both mine and his drink “oh I’m not paying for her drink” was Mr Addictions response. The manager didn’t miss a beat he told the guy what his drink cost then turned to me and said “yours in on the house sweetie after all you’ve had enough bad dates here to deserve it, go home and have a stiff drink from what we’ve seen you probably need it by now”, then looked at the guy with a straight face and politely asked if there was something else he needed.

Even I have my limits of what I can put up with so from that date forth when the company rang me I simply told them I wasn’t interested. When they asked me if I’d met someone I was honest and told them no but I’d rather chew my own arm off than go on another date organized by them. Since I apparently still had another 3 months of service available through them they put my membership on hold for 12 months and then tried to get me to re-sign up. Since in those 12 months I had lost 2 family members, nearly died 3 times, survived cancer lost my ability to have kids due to the cancer and basically was in a VERY bad mood the day they rang to see if I’d like to rejoin up at the second time around discounted rate the conversation was less than polite and extremely short since they hung up on me FU rant.

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