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Lonely

I woke up the other day with the worst voice-lyric ear-worm on a continues loop through my head.  Hands up if you can remember the song Lonely by Akon (2004).  It starts with what sounds like a guy who’s had one to many drinks and then sucked on a room full of Helium balloons singing

Lonely I’m so lonely
I have nobody
To call my own
I’m so lonely, I’m Mr. Lonely
I have nobody
To call my own
I’m so lonely

For anyone who can’t remember this song click HERE (Lonely by Akon) but be warned the drunken helium singer will get stuck in your head.

I have no recollection of hearing this song recently which is how ear worms normally get stuck in my head so I’m going with the assumption my autistically wired brain dug it up to match my mood.  For anyone who follows or reads my other blog The Cutting Cookies Circus about my Autistic life and it’s problems you’ll know I’m not in a good head space right now.

The song might be as annoying as all hell but it is a good reflection of how I’m feeling right now.  I have no idea why but lately I’ve been feeling incredibly lonely to the point it  almost physically hurts.  I have friends and family who love me and I love them so I’m not lonely in the typical definition of the term “LONELY”.

What I feel is Soul Mate Lonely —> the deep ache you feel when you’re still single and all you wont is to find that one person who you connect with who becomes your friend-lover-spouse.  The person you feel comfortable enough with to let into your world and share your space.  The person you can trust to be there when you need them and who know’s you’ll be there for them as well.  The person you can let your guard down with and show your vulnerability knowing they will not see it as weakness or a way to hurt you. The person who holds you tight and tells you everything will be fine when your brain goes rouge and you feel overwhelmed by everything.

Anyone who works with relationship abuse survivors and reads this would be going “OMG red flag this is the kind of mindset the Scammers, Losers and Abusers are looking for seek help now”.  Don’t stress I might be lonely but I’m also neurologically hardwired to mistrust most people as I lack the ability to understand how to socialise correctly so I’m not going to put up an online profile on something like Tinder that screens “desperate, lonely and stupid”.

I still have no idea how to get back into the dating game and right now I’m psychologically not in the right head space for it to be a good idea so as much as I don’t want to be single I’m not planning on adding dating to my stress load. Hopefully as I get other areas of my life sorted out and my brain stops making me feel horrid about myself and life in general the Soul Mate Lonely will dissipate to a duel ache instead of the current sharp pain at which point I’ll research Single Activities in my location.

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Uncategorized

I’m out of ideas!

As you would have noticed I haven’t written for this blog site for a while.  It’s not because I’m lazy it was because I was a little busy trying to fix my mental, physical and emotional health problems.  Why did I stop the whole husband hunt side of things while I was doing this?  I realised while having a massive mental health crisis that there wasn’t much point in husband hunting to find someone who’d love me if I didn’t even really like me let alone love myself.

As it turns out I’m high functioning autistic with communication difficulties and co-morbid ADHD so fixing me isn’t going to happen but learning to love me as me has happened.  Medication for the ADHD means I can now sit still for more than 2 minutes and have a conversation without it taking a huge amount of effort to stay on topic.  No medication will help with my autism but behavioural therapy is helping me learn that emotionally and mentally I’m wired a little differently so I’m never going to be “normal”, which is fine and I’m leaning better coping skills, social skills and how to not make stupid chaos making decisions.  If you want full details on the whole autistic side of my life go read The Cutting Cookies Circus my blog all about my diagnostic journey and autistic view of life.

So I’m now closing in on 18 months of being in the care of my amazing Psychiatrist and 14 months of working with my incredibly paitent Psychologist for behavioural therapy.  I’ve started my own business Aunty Emz Blankets started joining social networks with the help of my business buddy Crystal C & A Beauty By Design both to meet people and to build business contact here on the Sunshine Coast, joined 2 book clubs and so on and so forth.  Basically I’ve started to build a life here on the Sunshine Coast and for the foreseeable future I will be staying here so I decided it was time to put my big girl panties on and gratefully glide back into the dating world.

As you’ve probably guessed by the title of this blog I’ve hit a bit of a glitch with my plan to gracefully glide back into the dating world as a fully formed, loving thy self goddess that I am.

WHATS THE PROBLEM

I have no idea how to find eligible bachelors to date on the Sunshine Coast!

  • Bar/Pub/Club – ah no because I don’t drink alcohol, I’m autistic and frankly if you’re over 30 and still looking for husband material in bar/pub/club you are in all probability going to end up with an alcoholic fuck-wit or a toy boy looking for a sugar mama
  • Match Maker (Relationship Consultancy Service) – they either no longer exist because they’ve been wiped out by the Online versions or the Sunshine Coast doesn’t have any I’m not sure which but either way I can’t find even one to go talk to.
  • Internet Dating Sites/Mobile Apps – The free to use ones are frankly shit I know I’ve tried most of them and if I’m going to pay for the privilege of been sent on bad dates I at least want the ability to walk into an office and talk to a living, breathing human about improving the process.
  • Speed Dating – not one speed dating company runs any events on the Sunshine Coast.  Closest event I can find is in Brisbane (roughly 2 hours south of where I live) so the event might cost $20 to attend but add in petrol, parking, post event stress triggered therapy and I’d be looking at upwards of $150 in real costs.  Plus if I did actually make a mutual match with an eligible bachelor he’d be living anywhere from 2 to 4 hours drive away from where I live so not exactly a good start (especially when you’re unemployed yet again and petrol is around $1.25 to $1.38 a litre).
  • MeetUp Groups – yeah nah one thing I’ve learnt about being autistic is I am never going to be comfortable with meeting a whole bunch of new people at once and unfortunately all my girl pals here on the coast are not single so they can’t join and come as my security blanket. Plus looking at the age groups at 43 I’m in the no group for you range.  I did look and found social single groups for 25-35, 30-40 and 50+ all of which make a point if telling you that you must show proof of age when first attending and if you’ve fib on your application and are too old/young for the group you’ve attempted to join you’ll be removed from the group and blocked from their social media sites.
  • Table For 6 (or similar) – ummmm no for a couple of reasons like cost because you have to pay either a 6-12 month membership fee plus you pay for your meal every time you attend an event.  I’m currently unemployed (again) and the Aunty Emz Blankets as yet isn’t making money so what little money I have is being spent on things like food, petrol, medication, Psychiatrist visit and other things I need to stay alive and healthy.  Plus when you start digging into the T&Cs they state that even though you’ve faithfully paid your 6 or 12 month membership fee there is no guarantee you’ll ever actually get a spot on a table in the time period of your membership it all depends on the amount of people in the age group they will put you in so to many or to few in your age group and you miss out on a spot.
  • Team Sport or Group Anything – do not even go there people I’m autistic I don’t do TEAM or GROUP anything.  Hell I even have a mini panic attack turning up to my pilate classe at CGM Pilates and I’ve been going there for 2 months so it’s not like I’ve never met my class mates or instructor before I see them every week.

So I’m 100% out of ideas – please feel free to comment with suggestions, advice and possible good ideas oh hell even possibly bad ideas would be welcome at this point in time.

 

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