I woke up the other day with the worst voice-lyric ear-worm on a continues loop through my head. Hands up if you can remember the song Lonely by Akon (2004). It starts with what sounds like a guy who’s had one to many drinks and then sucked on a room full of Helium balloons singing
I have nobody
To call my own
I’m so lonely, I’m Mr. Lonely
I have nobody
To call my own
I’m so lonely
For anyone who can’t remember this song click HERE (Lonely by Akon) but be warned the drunken helium singer will get stuck in your head.
I have no recollection of hearing this song recently which is how ear worms normally get stuck in my head so I’m going with the assumption my autistically wired brain dug it up to match my mood. For anyone who follows or reads my other blog The Cutting Cookies Circus about my Autistic life and it’s problems you’ll know I’m not in a good head space right now.
The song might be as annoying as all hell but it is a good reflection of how I’m feeling right now. I have no idea why but lately I’ve been feeling incredibly lonely to the point it almost physically hurts. I have friends and family who love me and I love them so I’m not lonely in the typical definition of the term “LONELY”.
What I feel is Soul Mate Lonely —> the deep ache you feel when you’re still single and all you wont is to find that one person who you connect with who becomes your friend-lover-spouse. The person you feel comfortable enough with to let into your world and share your space. The person you can trust to be there when you need them and who know’s you’ll be there for them as well. The person you can let your guard down with and show your vulnerability knowing they will not see it as weakness or a way to hurt you. The person who holds you tight and tells you everything will be fine when your brain goes rouge and you feel overwhelmed by everything.
Anyone who works with relationship abuse survivors and reads this would be going “OMG red flag this is the kind of mindset the Scammers, Losers and Abusers are looking for seek help now”. Don’t stress I might be lonely but I’m also neurologically hardwired to mistrust most people as I lack the ability to understand how to socialise correctly so I’m not going to put up an online profile on something like Tinder that screens “desperate, lonely and stupid”.
I still have no idea how to get back into the dating game and right now I’m psychologically not in the right head space for it to be a good idea so as much as I don’t want to be single I’m not planning on adding dating to my stress load. Hopefully as I get other areas of my life sorted out and my brain stops making me feel horrid about myself and life in general the Soul Mate Lonely will dissipate to a duel ache instead of the current sharp pain at which point I’ll research Single Activities in my location.