Un-Social Media, Uncategorized

Un-Social Media

*warning this post has bad language that may offend*

So today I did something very un-x-generation I deleted FaceBook and Twitter off my phone and I won’t be reinstalling the apps any time soon.

I just heard a collective GASP followed by “YOU DID WHAT???”

I seriously considered deleting my profiles completely but decided that maybe in a couple of months I’ll feel less shat off what I keep seeing on Social Media and want to reconnect with the world and I recreating an entire Social Profile is a pain in the ass.

Now that your over the shock that someone could voluntarily disconnect from the 24-7 cyber world of Social Media you are wondering what has prompted this radical decision.  It wasn’t one event like finding a cyber troll hiding under a post or hackers or hecklers that prompted me to do this it was actually several things which I’ll go into below.

  1. TIME WASTED – do you have any idea how much time people waste on Social Media every day?  According to statistics the average person is awake for about 15 hours and the average adult spends between 2 and 5 hours on Social Media.  The scariest part is that those with Social Media Apps on their phone spend more time on Social Media than those that check it the old fashioned way on a computer.  To drive this point home if you are awake for 15 hours and spend 5 on Social Media you just waisted 1/3 of  your day.
  2. MISCOMMUNICATION – As an Information Management Specialist one of the things I constantly teach in staff re-training is to think before you hit send (or post) and if possibly get someone else to read it.  WHY?  Because how you think your rant, comment, post or tweet sounds is viewed from the point of the voice in your head saying it.  How it is read by others is going to be totally different because they don’t have visual or verbal context so your funny tweet might come across as totally bitchy.  This became very apparent to me recently when I read a post from a close friend, made a comment and then she commented back.  I got really pissed off with her because from my point of view her response came across as seriously condescending and as if she was lecturing me like I was a complete moron. I have no idea if she intended the comment to sound like that but it still shat me off.   I’m not sure which pissed me off more the way her comment sounded or the fact she did it on a FaceBook an arena any of her or my followers can read. Which brings me to the next topic
  3. COMMENT WARS – People seem to forget on Social Media that it is not just you and the person you’re commenting back/forth with reading what you’ve writen anyone who has access to either yours, theirs or the original posters page can read it.  I’ve seen comments that if the person posting was actually looking at you face-to-face in a public space they would not be saying but they seem to think that because it’s social media only the person they in their head are directly addressing will be reading the Comment/Post/Tweet.
  4. WHO TO FOLLOW-ADVERTISING – I am sick to death of Social Media sites constantly and repeatedly trying to make me follow pages and people I don’t know or shoving advertising all over my profile that is totally fucking irrelevant to my life.  I’m not interested in Vegan food, anything to do with kids, positive comments, mark zuckerberg, yoga, exercise or any other crap their profile generators think I should like because I’m Female, White and 42.
  5. ALL MEN ARE CUNTS – Seriously if I read one more frigging post about how horrible men are and that they are all misogynistic cunts who hate women I’m going to punch the person who posts it.  I’m 42 and single with enough trust issues to fill an entire psychology textbook so constantly telling me all men are BAD is not helping my mental health or trust issues.
  6. THE POLLY-ANNA POSITIVES – Ok I get the point you have found your happy happy joy joy through the power of positive thinking and you want to tell the world.  Guess what after the 5th post about it I really don’t give a shit so the constant “the world would be a better place if we all practiced positive thinking and it would cure all mental health issues” drives me crazy.
  7. ASYLUM SEEKERS/GOVERNMENT POLICY/RACISM/GUN CONTROL – Guess what people sitting on social media bitching about it is NEVER going to fix the problem.  If you actually got out in the real world and door knocked your neighbourhood and persuaded people to not vote for the politician you hate because of their policy you would have done more good than reposting or ranting about it on Social Media.
  8. KIDS & MUMMY BLOGGERS – Don’t get me wrong I love OCCASIONALLY reading posts about peoples kids and reading the occasional mummy post/blog.  However when the ONLY thing I ever see on your feed is about your kids or how to be the perfect mummy I start to wonder if you actually have a life.  Try posting something none kid or mummy related.  This comment has probably just shat off 90% of my friends who are all mummy’s but guess what one day you’re going to wake up and wonder why the friends you have are all part of the mummy set and what happened to the none mummy friends you were so close with.  We got sick to death of the only topic of conversation being about your kids and feeling like our lives didn’t matter to you.  Yes I get it you have kids and your life revolves around mile stones, day care, pre-school, school, after school activities, kids birthdays, kids being sick, school holidays and all manner of kid related stuff, which makes your life totally unbalanced.  Harsh yes I know but try just occasionally to remember the friends you had before having kids.

To those who will read this an get insulted or upset about what I’ve said or the way I’ve said it I really don’t give a shit.  It’s my opinion you don’t have to like what I’ve said but if you fit one of the above categories I suggest you take a long hard look at your life before you lose real world friends because of Social Media.

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SBS Show - How to Find Love Online, Uncategorized

SBS Show – How to Find Love Online

Generally as a rule I’m not one for just watching TV I tend to bing watch on Netflix while crocheting baby blankets but every now and then I’ll catch an ad for something that I’ll make a point of watching.

On Sunday 12th June I made a point of watching “How To Find Love Online” on SBS (hyperlinked to the On Demand version), mainly because the ad I sore for it made me dead curious.

The official blurb from SBS is – The Internet has transformed every part of our lives and is now changing arguably the most important part – our love lives. Internet dating is now the second most common way that couples meet. But what is the best way to make the online search for love successful? What are the ‘matchmaking’ algorithms that the big companies use? Do they really deliver the goods, or is it just clever marketing and actually a giant con? And is there really any science involved? Dr Hannah Fry and Dr Xand Van Tulleken investigate. (From the UK) (Documentary) G CC.

My main reason for wanting to watch it was because it was a rare view of online dating from a males point of view.  Think about it 99% of blogs, articles, documentaries or books on the subject of online dating are written by women for women and from a women’s point of view.  So a rare glimpse into the male mindset on the subject is a not to be missed opportunity.

I found out some fascinating things watching this show

  1. Men get as frustrated and fed up as women do with the fake profiles, bad dates and being the only single left in your group of family/friends.
  2. E-harmony has one advantage over other sites it’s in-depth (and irritating) questions do weed out narcissistic and sociopathic personalities.  So if anyone you’re on a date with tells you e-harmony couldn’t match them run away very fast.
  3. Photos matter – Doesn’t matter if we girls are looking for a breeder, feeder, toy-boy or travel buddy if they have photos of themselves smiling and doing outdoors activities especially with pets we’re more likely to click “like” than if the photos are idiotic, indoors or unsmiling and the revers is true men like their women healthy, happy and active.
  4. Nice guy profiles don’t cut it – we (the female of the species) apparently prefer the warrior over the caring type so men should put things like “worked in deployed environments” rather than “worked for UN in refugee camps helping abused women” (Are we really that fickle? *ok yeah I am I like men in uniform sigh*)
  5. Suggestion of Like or Dislike works – if someone tells you that these people are perfect for you and you matched really well you’re actually more likely to like them than if you’re told you’ll dislike everyone in the group.
  6. Optimum Stopping Theory will incrust your probability of meeting someone if you’re using a swipe and gripe program like Tinder.

Out of all of the information the Optimum Stopping Theory was the most fascinating.  To put it simply if you give yourself a limit of 100 profiles to view and then swipe no to the first 37 and then stop on the first profile between 38 and 100 you’ve interested in the likelihood of finding true love by 37% better than just randomly swiping like or dislike.  Sounds nuts but when using a swipe and gripe program like Tinder any advantage is helpful.  I really wanted to try this theory but Tinder apparently has some issue working on my phone and keeps putting a pop-up message telling me to log in despite the fact I’m logged in and using the app.

If you’ve never used a program like Tinder you’re wondering why I call it a Swipe and Gripe app.  The way Tinder works is you look at a photo and swipe left for not interested and swipe right for interested and then spend enormous amounts of time griping to your friends about how crap the dates you go on are.

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Mental Illness when to you fess up?, Uncategorized

Mental Illness when to you fess up?

You’ll all have noticed I’ve been off line for over 6 months which for someone who was a prolific blogger is a little odd.  Did I meet the man of my dreams and settle down to happy domestic bliss?  Aha no that would have been a lot funner but probably just as frustrating as what has been going on.

So what has been happening?  Once I got back from London in October 2015 I ended up having to give up work because I got so ill I literally couldn’t get out of bed.  Unhappy with my medical care I found a new doctor who did something a little radical he took me off all existing medication, ran a million tests, reviewed what meds I had been on and why and if they were interacting badly etc.  Basically he took me back to basics, changed a couple of things like my blood pressure meds and somehow got my migraines under control without Codeine based pain killers.

This should have been the woooohooooo moment were I got my life back after 20 years of being at the mercy of the cycle of migraines and codeine based pain med addiction.  My liver and kidney function improved and my blood pressure stabilised  but my brain broke.  Suddenly without up to 8 codeine based pills which are opiate (narcotic) analgesics suppressing my brain waves my brain went wonky, really really wonky. My anxiety got so bad I vomited just driving passed where I used to work, I couldn’t find my keys one day and ended up sitting on the floor rocking back and forth crying because it stressed me out so bad and so on.

My doctor decided to try anti-anxiety drugs but with heavy monitoring (I had to see him every 3 days).  This to me seemed a little like over kill considering my x-doctor back in 2008 put me on a dose of antidepressants that should technically only have been prescribed by a psychiatrist and after a week without any suicidal reactions never reviewed it again, just kept handing me scripts even after I told them I’d stopped taking the pills.

However new doctor insisted on heavy monitoring and thank the goddess he did because I got worse not better, so we tried a different type of drug and again I got worse.  At this point my doctor went – your reaction to these pills is really wrong and spent a very extended visit asking me a million questions and ticking boxes on forms.  He then very very gently informed me he was 99% sure I had Bipolar but he would need to send me to a Psychiatrist for a full diagnosis and he wasn’t prescribing anything till I’d seen the specialist but till then I was on weekly visits so he could monitor my moods and ensure I was functioning and not becoming catatonically depressed or suicidal.

Functioning I was only just managing but at least someone wasn’t just shoving pills at me and telling me to go away. So I’ve now been seeing my Psychiatrist for a couple of months and sure enough I am Bipolar with rapid mood cycles and possible suicidal tendencies. I am apparently treatable with a combinations of pharmacological’s and psychological strategies (e.g. drugs and therapy).  However much more interesting according to my psychiatrist is the fact I’m a very high functioning Aspergers who is capable of articulately describing how I see, hear, smell, touch and taste the world, which is apparently a little rare but fascinating to people who study brain chemistry.

From my point of view finding out that yes I am crazy but it’s not hormones, stress levels, imaginary or whatever is in one respect nice because I know what’s wrong and we’re working on treating it.  Well, at least we can treat the Bipolar the Aspergers isn’t treatable but I can learn better strategies for coping when information overload happens.  I might even eventually learn to read facial expressions and body language (hopefully).

The downside – eventually after I put the jigsaw puzzle peaces of my life back together I have to start back on the dating roundabout.

Why is this a downside?  Here’s a fun little test for you – say the first 5 things that come to mind when you hear the words Bipolar or Mental Illness……………

On that list you probably have things like –

  1. crazy,
  2. mood swinging nutter,
  3. psycho,
  4. boil the bunny obsessive,
  5. hyper manically happy,
  6. depressed,
  7. suicidal,
  8. flaky
  9. Makes Wade Wilson look sane
  10. Way to much work,
  11. axe wheedling maniac and so on and so forth

Not very positive or complementary is it.  Would you want to date someone who you know can have extreme mood swings, constantly wondering which version of the person you’re going to wake up next to (depressed, hyper-happy, anxious, irritated, hyper-sexuallised). Don’t get me started on how the media portrays people with Bipolar or other mental illness because that’s an entire rant on it’s own.

So at what point in the dating process do I say

“oh by the way I have an IQ off the chart, I have Aspergers so I literally see the world differently to you and I happen to have a mental illness but I’m really nice, well mostly so long as my meds are working”

Mmmmm sounds like an amusing profile designed to catch the eye and make you laugh, till you realise this is my reality!

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Jane Austen - Rules on Dating, Uncategorized

The Jane Austen Rules

Photo on 14-01-16 at 8.35 AM

I picked this book up at my local library mainly because I’ve read the book called THE RULES and this book very much pokes fun at the advice given in THE RULES.

The Jane Austen Rules – A Classic Guide to Modern Love is only 135 pages long and the writing style makes it both easy to read and easy to understand.   It only has 11 chapters and you can easily read a chapter in under 30 min so even if you only read 2 chapters a day you’d be done in a week.

I’ll admit I’m not a big Jane Austen fan and have only ever actually read one of her books “Emma” and the only reason I read it was because of the name.  I mean who is going to resist reading a book who’s title happens to be your name.  Until reading this little gem I had actually managed to totally forget the characters and plot of  Emma and considering I have a near photographic memory for me to forget everything other than the name of a book says a lot about what I thought of Jane Austen novels.

The Jane Austen Rules – A Classic Guide to Modern Love actually does a remarkably good job of pointing out how the main female characters in Jane Austen novels did not in fact follow the conventional “rules” which in Regency England 200 years ago where written in book with titles like The Lady’s Guide to Perfect Gentility (New York 1857).

Sinead Murphy (the author) makes an excellent point that the information provided in the etiquette and conduct books from Jane Austen’s time on how to attract a suitable husband isn’t a whole lot different to the books like The Rules written 200 years later but with the same purpose.  Sadly she is correct I’ve actually read historical books on expected etiquette and conduct of young ladies who are to be presented to soicety and they have fascinating advice like

  • you should appear to be interested in whatever your dancing partner is talking about
  • don’t engage in conversation unless he initiates it,
  • don’t appear to be to intelligent,
  • always be perfectly presented
  • when seated ensure you are sitting at the front of the chair to avoid the temptation of leaning on the back rest and ensure you sit upright at all times
  • always smile and laugh at his jokes even if you are not amused or do not understand them

Sadly you can find nearly identical advice in just about every book, blog, YouTube or advice article available today (so much for progress!!)

The central theme of The Jane Austen Rules – A Classic Guide to Modern Love is simple be a real women with real interests, real hobbies, a real life and a real brain because that is what attracts real men.

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Uncategorized

Different Expectations

I was recently in London visiting my sister. At one of the social events the topic of expectations of what is considered a date came up. I have a standard rule that first dates are always in day light hours, they are always coffee and they don’t last longer than 45 min and if I don’t like you on that date I’m not waisting my time going on a second date with you.

This apparently is considered harsh by the London singles I meet.  The general consenses was that dates should be after work on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. The date should be over dinner, with drinks and you should go out at least twice to two different locations with at least a week or longer between dates before you decide if you don’t like someone.

My “why” did get interesting responses. 

The Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday is mainly so that if the date is going bad you have the “I’ve got early meetings tomorrow” excuse to cut the date short and depart without appearing bored or rude.  No Friday or weekend so you look like you have a busy social life. No Monday was never explained. 

The dinner is both because you need to eat anyway but also so you can make sure they can behave in public. The 2 different location is so you can objectively see how they behave in different social settings. The with drinks is because some people need a drink or two to unwind and relax. 

These are all very valid points but I have a different view of dating. Oh who am I kidding my whole view of life is different to most people.  The argument that one date for coffee and 45 min doesn’t give you time to know a person and some people take time and alcohol to relax and be themselves is valid but…

My counter argument to this is that I view dating the same way I view job interviews. If in 45 minutes you have not managed to make me interested in getting to know you then you’re not worth waisting more time on. As for the alcohol to “relax” – if you need that I sure as shit don’t want you in my life I spent 35 years watching my grandfather who lived with us go from needing a drink or two at night to relax to needing several beers, a few shots of whisky and a bottle of wine a day to function. 

The debate went back and forth with the wine bottle across the table. Points about the caliber, intelligence and type of single guys available in London compared to The Sunshine Coast got discussed (eg glob trotting, university educated, speaks several languages and knows what a sommelier does Vs beach living surfer who might have a technical trade, who can barely speak English correctly and thinks a good wine comes in a large square box). 

In the end we come to the conclusion that the expectations of dating like everything appears to be largely influenced by the place you live and the people you have access to. 

It’ll be interesting if I manage to move to the UK if my expectation of dates changes! 

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Uncategorized

The Thing All Women Do That You Don’t Know About

Drifting Through

image: Shutterstock image: Shutterstock

There’s this thing that happens whenever I speak about or write about women’s issues. Things like dress codes, rape culture and sexism. I get the comments: Aren’t there more important things to worry about? Is this really that big of a deal? Aren’t you being overly sensitive? Are you sure you’re being rational about this?

Every. Single. Time.

And every single time I get frustrated. Why don’t they get it?

I think I’ve figured out why.

They don’t know.

They don’t know about de-escalation. Minimizing. Quietly acquiescing.

Hell, even though women live it, we are not always aware of it. But we have all done it.

We have all learned, either by instinct or by trial and error, how to minimize a situation that makes us uncomfortable. How to avoid angering a man or endangering ourselves. We have all, on many occasions, ignored an offensive comment. We’ve all…

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