Apparently there are “rules to Dating” which every girl on the planet apart from me knows or at least that’s what the girl I was living with in Canberra told me. She decided that before I was allowed to go join up with a Relationship Consultancy Firm (the new word for Matchmaker) that I had to read “Men are from Mars & Women are from Venus” because she was firmly convinced that this book was THE RELATIONSHIP BIBLE and set out exactly how the world should work between men & women.
I’m going to state here for the record I hated the fucking book and it was the first time I was tempted to do harm to a book and I could not finish it. Books to me a sacred things I have dyslexia and I didn’t learn to read till I was 11 year old but once the code was cracked and my brain could process the unintelligible letters into words and sentences I read everything front cover to back cover until this point in time I had NEVER not finished a book. I was so obsessive about reading I think I was the only person who read not only every chapter of her university textbooks I also read all the “suggested and additional” readings as well (I’m an insomniac so I had time to do this) and I have 3 University degrees.
I remember getting to the point of reading an entire chapter on “Men are Rubber-bands” which basically told women that they had to let their men wander and explore because like a rubber-band he would then reach a certain point and snap back to you. However you couldn’t let him wander to far or the band would break and you would lose him for good.
This is also the first time I came across the dumb ass notion that you as you isn’t really good enough and that you should always ensure you are perfectly presented for your man. You should never been seen with messy hair, no make-up, daggy clothes and so on because your man will find you unattractive and look elsewhere for a mate, As a women it’s your job to make sure your man is happy at all times and housework is your responsibility along with raising children and so on and so forth.
Not sure how the rest of the world was raised but in my family it’s a 50-50 deal. Both mum-dad worked and they shared everything from cooking to cleaning to raising the kids right down the middle, heck my dad fought me to use the washing machine because mum was at work. So this concept of a 1950s Stepford Wife was so alien to me I at first thought the book was written as a kind of comedy but I soon discovered I was wrong and that my housemate firmly believed everything in it.
After I’d signed up with what would turn out to be The Relationship Firm from Hell and before I went on my first date my housemate sat me down and went over THE RULES OF DATING (she actually had them typed out) because she was convinced I had no idea how I as a girl was supposed to act on a date.
The Rules Of Combat (Dating):
- Always be at least 5 min late,
- First Date is always short either coffee or a drink,
- The man always pays for the coffee/drink on the first date,
- Remember to smile and appear interested in everything he says,
- Laugh at his jokes even if they’re not funny,
- Don’t appear to intelligent men don’t like smart women,
- It’s ok to show off your assets if you have any but don’t lead him on,
- No bodily noises are to be made (eg don’t slurp your drink, burp, fart or anything else),
- Never squirm in your seat even if your really uncomfortable and need to go to the ladies room,
- Only ware heels if you know he is taller than you,
- Let him decided the place you will go to have coffee/drink,
- If he is very dominant let him order your coffee/drink for you,
- If he wishes to discuss his ex-partners let him but don’t comment
- Don’t discuss your ex-partners it’s better if he thinks your unspoilt (yes she actually used those exact words)
- Ask him about his job, life, interests and so on,
- If he asks anything about your life then keep your responses short don’t babble
- The more mysterious, helpless or unspoilt you can appear to be the more likely he is to want to date you as you will appear to be a conquest.
By this point my eyes had glazed over and I have completely forgotten the rest of the “rules of dating”. Most of the above is so totally opposite to me I couldn’t do it even if I tried. I hate being late, if I think your an idiot I’ll tell you, I’m not going to hide the fact I’m intelligent and no way in hell am I letting someone order for me.
The only useful rule is the make the first date coffee so it can be really really short if it is going badly. So with my trusty set of rules memorized (not) I set to go on my first date from The Relationship Consultancy Firm from hell.