Mr Authoritarian

Mr Authoritarian

Unbelievable as it would seem I was still going on coffee dates with men recommended to me through relationship company from hell the eternal optimist in me was sure that the bad dates had to end and I would find at least on good guy. Ok that isn’t quite true I had by now given up on finding anyone worth going out with for more than a coffee date but dame it I was paying through the nose for this service so I was going on the dates. My entire friend set I suspect where encouraging me to keep going on the dates from hell because my e-mails and girls nights where I told them of the latest “disaster date” kept them rolling around laughing. As one friend informed me my e-mails where her sanity break through the last month of her pregnancy and the first few months of being a new mum.

The next man to ring me was on the scale of bad dates so far apart from Mr Dumb, probably goes down as the worst date I went on for the entire time I was putting myself through this ordeal. Mr Authoritarian rang me up and for once I had written some of the information down that the agency had given me so I didn’t sound like a total ditz when I talked to him.

The conversation went something like this:

“Hello, my name is X”

“Hello, X it’s nice to hear from you”

“I don’t like to talk on the phone you can’t judge people when you can’t see them. So on Saturday you will meet me at Magic-Round-About at 14:00”

“I will?” I asked in total surprise, but he took it as agreement said good and hung up on me.

So Saturday comes along and unusual for me I was running late on getting ready probably because by this time I was really over wasting my time going on these dates. Anyway I jump in the car to discover that yet again my housemate had borrowed my car and not bothered to put petrol in so my tank wasn’t just empty I had the “flashing” light telling me I’d be lucky to make it down the hill to the petrol station. Finding parking in Canberra can be a pain in the neck and on this day for some reason the parking gods where not smiling on me and it took forever to find a parking spot.

By this time I was running about 5 minutes late which is according to the Rules of Combat would make me just on time. I rocked up to the Magic Round About and notice that there are 10 missed calls on my phone from Mr Authoritarian number but no voice mail had been left. Since I’d been on enough dates where my “date” had been running late I was hoping that  Mr Authoritarian had phoned to say he was running late, I was wrong.

”So you finally decided to return my call” was the rather sarcastic way Mr Authoritarian answered his phone.

“Sorry I was driving when you called and couldn’t answer the phone. I’m at the round-about where are you?”

“I assumed you had decided not to come after you where so very late and I have left.  Since you have apparently decided to finally turn up I will come back, do not move I will be there shortly”

Before I could tell him not to bother he hung up on me so I took 3 deep breaths and prepared to endure yet another crappy coffee date. When Mr Authoritarian turned up I was tempted to run away screaming or pretend I wasn’t the person he was meeting. He was about 40 and had the hair and body build of Fryer Tuck (short, fat and balding). He was wearing a baby poo yellow polyester shirt, brown pants and dusty brown shoes and he had gold rimmed 70s style massive glasses that took up half his face.

Then he smiled at me and I seriously thought I was going to vomit especially when he leaned in to kiss me on the check, which I avoided very obviously by stepping back and offering my hand to shake. His teeth where this odd color like they where vaguely green, think glow-in-the-dark vampire teeth in daylight and you get the color. However more disturbing than that was the fact that all his teeth had this massive build up of visible yellow plark running from the gum and covering about a third of each tooth. It was so thick in-between his teeth that it looked like putty put there to fill up the gaps.

Dental hygiene is something I am almost paranoid about and the fact that his was so disgusting combined with his bossy manner was enough to make me drop any pretence that I was enjoying this date. He told me not asked me which coffee shop we would be going to and then ordered hot chocolate for me with marshmallow. If he’d bothered to ask he would have discovered I hate marshmallows in any drink and I rarely if ever drink hot chocolate. Before he went to pay I told the waitress to cancel the second drink, told Mr Authoritarian that evidently we where not compatible and this date was over and left.

The “debrief” phone call the following Monday with Carmel my new consultant was frosty and short. When she told me maybe I should lower my expectations of the type of men I wanted to go on dates with I told her even if I dropped my expectations to pond scum level the dates her company kept sending me on would still be to low. Needless to say I was expecting to never hear from them again, pity I was mistaken.