Disconnected From Reality

Disconnected From Reality

We’re now up to 2010 so by now I had been husband hunting for 7 years.  Between my last date and this one I had died twice in one night, survived cancer, permanently lost my ability to have kids at 33, had two family members unexpectedly die finishing my Psychology degree, moved from the Sunshine Coast to Melbourne and survived a major depressive episode that required 2 years of antidepressants and therapy just to function so I figured it really didn’t matter what hand-grenades life tossed in my path I would be able to deal with it.

For the entire 18 months I lived in Melbourne I went on 1 date and it was close to the end of my stay down there after I’d successfully come off my antidepressants and seemed to be coping ok.  Emotionally I was still relatively numb so when things that would once of stressed me out happened I didn’t really react much which considering this date was probably a good thing.

I got sent on this date by a guy who specialises in finding rich men the next wife.  Despite the fact I was a bigger lady which would normally have meant he didn’t take me on as a client, I fitted a niche field he was having problems finding women to fill he termed it the “end of career to regiment wife”.  Basically he was looking for women in their late 30s to early 40s who were intelligent, childless, presentable and above all else not interested in having kids.  WHY?  He had clients on the books who’d done the first wife, gone through the mid-life divorce marry Barbie doll thing and now wanted a wife who didn’t have kids and wouldn’t want them who would be an asset to their career and enjoy early remittent with them while still active and able to adventure their way around the world together in 5 start luxury.  Since my profile is childless, 3 university degrees, interesting career background, still healthy and active, under 50, reasonable attractive if a little over weight and most importantly totally unable to have kids – I was THE perfect candidate.  He was so desperate to have me on the book he even put me on for free and considering his normal charge is between $250, 000 and $500,000 for 6 months membership depending on your “spousal requirements” a free membership says volumes about how marketable I was.

So I was set up with a guy who was apparently in his mid 40s, owned his own international business and several properties in Melbourne and overseas and was somewhere between uber-wealthy and Millionaire in the personal wealth scale.  On the phone he seemed a little odd but I put it down to him working at the same time as talking to me (I could hear the keyboard keys clicking in the background as we spoke).  He told me he was over 6 foot tall and looked a lot like Gary Ablett (he’s a famous Melbourne AFL Player see Photo below fro reference).

Gary Ablett Geelong AFL Club

Gary Ablett Geelong AFL Club

So the appointed day and time came around and I dressed up in date clothes which naturally included my fire engine red 4 inch heels.  I’m 5 foot 7inches tall so with 4 inch heels I stand just under 6 foot the supposed hight of my date.  I’m punctual to the point of irritating and I’m not overly found of being kept waiting my anyone let alone someone I’m meeting for a date.  When he was over 15 min late I rang and watched as the just over 5 foot 7 inch tall, rail thin, bald guy in a badly fitting suite across the road answered his phone and I mentally ground just knowing this was the guy I was supposed to be meeting and sure enough I was correct.

The fact he was shorter, skinnier and balder and than expected I could deal with but when he got up close enough for me to really see him I discovered he was totally hairless.  I’m intelligent enough to know it was a medical condition but it was still creepy that this guy had no hair at all, no facial hair, no eye lashes, no hair on his head and no eyebrows.  Oddly it was the no eyebrows that creeped me out the most. Have you ever tried holding a conversation with someone without eyebrows it is harder than you would think and until them I never realised how much I read someones facial expressions to ensure I’m understanding what is being said to me.

After the initial hi how are you shake hands thing I let him pick the coffee shop and out of all the coffee shops in St Kilda to go to he picked the worst one so I knew he didn’t regularly drink coffee in St Kilda despite the fact he’d told me on the phone he lived in St Kilda.  He hadn’t said much by the time we’d ordered coffee and despite the fact the place we were having coffee only had 4 options (flat white, long black, cappuccino or late) it took him over 20 min to make up his mind what coffee to have.  Thankfully the coffee was delivered quickly and wasn’t to hot to drink quickly because this guy was driving me nuts.

If I asked him a question like “did you grow up in Melbourne” his response was a disconnected rant about how the current governments immigration policy was running the country into the ground or “what business are you in” got a rant on how women really should never be put in areas of management in business as they were to emotional to really be effective and so on and so forth.

The other irritating as hell thing about this guy was he did everything in slow motions.  When he blinked you could count the seconds it would take for his eyes to close and reopen (about 6), to put sugar in his coffee he took over 2 minutes and to stir it in took even longer.  But the most irritating thing was he intently watched any movement someone made like kids study bugs so as the girl delivered the coffee he stopped mid rant about something and intently watch every move she made.

When I was nearly finished my coffee I went to pee mainly because I really really really needed to get away from this guy even if it was only for 5 minutes and when i came back he’d gone.  The bar girl was clearing the table when i got back and we had a bit of a conversation about my odd date and her advise was “honey you’re an attractive lady if you decide to give up on the creepy guys come look me up”, I just laughed and thanked her.

I went home and told me housemate about the date who rolled around laughing her ass off.  From that point on I have only been on 2 more coffees date both of which were while I was working FIFO and neither of them were memorable enough to blog about in detail.