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Soul Mate – What Do I Really Want?

From the time most girls hit puberty or hight school society starts the subtle and sometimes not so subtle message that it is time to start the process of finding your soul mate with the end goal of settling down and popping out a couple of offspring.  Flirtatious behaviour and casual dating are encourage and rewarded (mostly) and over time young ladies learn what their preferred TYPE is.

By their mid-20s they will have been on enough good or bad dates to give you a list (occasionally a very detailed list) of what they find attractive or unattractive in their prospective soul mate. They could also probably produce a detailed description of what they find desirable or undesirable in their soul mate including physical appearance, cultural background, hobbies, belief systems and so on ad-nauseam.

I was always considered a little odd because I didn’t date in my teens, early 20s or even mid 20s.  I’ve had more than one person quietly ask if I’m gay and just kept my dating on the down low.  I’ve had others who do not know my family assume I came from a home with strict rules or religious beliefs that meant I was not allowed to date.  In actual fact I didn’t date because I’m autistic so I don’t read body language, facial expressions, tonal voice changes so flirting was and still is a total mystery to me. If I did go out with any guy or girl I just assumed it was friendship and had no clue if they were flirting with me so date things like snogging never happened it was just a fun night out.  As a consequence I was often baffled as to why one week someone was really nice to me and the next week wouldn’t talk to me – apparently it was because I didn’t follow the date behaviour script that eventually leads to snogging and they got upset and thought I didn’t like them.

My first offical date happened when I was 27 (nope not kidding) and he defiantly didn’t follow the standard flirt, date, snog, sex rules.  I’d  only just transferred to a military base on the out skirts of Melbourne in Victoria Australia when I met C (I’ve deliberately not written his name he’ll just be C).  Anyway every morning I caught the train from where I lived to just outside the base and entered the base at exactly 08:00.  To get from the base gates to the building I worked in I walked right past the Base Shop and like clockwork at 08:15 I ordered a large soy latte to go and took it with me to my desk.

There was always in the Base Shop guys in uniforms getting coffee or food and if they said hi I would absent mindedly say hi and smiled in their general direction.  Someone always seem to open the door as I approached and I’d smile in their general direction and say thanks.  I had no idea who they were and at that time in the morning I couldn’t have cared less I was 100% focused on getting my caffeine fix.  Every now and again someone would ask me questions and I’d answer them politely but still not paying much attention to who I was talking to (by the time I got to my desk I couldn’t even tell you what gender they were let alone anything else about them).

Then one Thursday morning I as per normal got in line to order my coffee and before I could open my mouth the girl behind the counter handed me my coffee and a note.  This was defiantly a WTF moment and very much out of my routine.  The note said “Hi training started early today, I’ve already paid for your coffee see you tomorrow morning. C” .  I was actually a little cranky as this totally fucked up my daily routine and I had no idea who this C was.  Then it turned into one of those days where shit didn’t just hit the fan it exploded like a volcanic eruption and I  totally forgot all about the coffee incident.

The next morning (Friday) as per normal I’m in line at 08:15 behind some tall guy in army camouflage gear waiting to order my coffee.  I mentally catalogued that he was very well built and then switched my mental capacity to trying hard not to yawn my head off or fall asleep in line and face plant into his muscly back.  Next thing I know sexy uniform turns around and hands me a coffee, which I took while doing the look from coffee to sexy uniforms face with total confusion.  He holds out his now free hand and say “Hi I’m C sorry I couldn’t stay yesterday”, I’m 99% sure there was a one of those everyone goes dead quiet longer than socially polite pause as I mentally went WHO but then my manners kicked in and I smiled and said “Hi I’m Dominique and thanks for the coffee”.

By now I had realised two things:

  1. This was the guy who paid for my coffee yesterday
  2. Everyone in the shop was now watching what would happen

I put a smile on my rapidly reddening face and said “um I don’t mean to be rude but I need to get moving I have to be in a Staff Meeting at 08:45”.  I was expecting him to do the open door and let me out thing while making pleasant small talk routine but nope yet again he didn’t follow normal behaviour rules.   He did open the door but he followed me out and walked me all the way to my desk, which turned a few heads.  In the short time period between exiting shop and arriving at desk  I relaxed so when he asked me if he could take me on a dinner date that night I said yes.

I found out after we’d been together for a bit that he’d been trying to flirt with me every morning for 2 weeks, which I missed totally I don’t even remember talking to him till he handed me a coffee.  Then one afternoon while taking his frustration at my lack of response and possible disappointment that I was attached out on the punching bag in the gym he’d got talking to one of the guys I worked with who told him that no I wasn’t attached I was just a little odd and to try a more direct approach.  This lead him to think up the buying my coffee idea, which worked and for a short time made us both happy.

After C and I broke up I dated, well kind of more like got involved with two other military guys neither of which lasted very long but they were fun.  Then I started the epic Husband Hunt, which the entire Surviving Cookie Cutter Dating blog is about.

You would assume after having filled out what feels like a gazillion “preferred partner” forms & questionaries and gone on enough bad dates that I’d have a rock solid idea of my TYPE!  Oddly I do not.  If anything the  be more specific, narrow it down to a specific type, give more specific details, pick the top 10 must have attributes or whatever I constantly get asked for from everything from websites to love spell casters has made me less picky.  I mean isn’t the whole point of a SOUL MATE that your souls energy recognises and connects to their souls energy, which is an unseen force not dictated by their eye colour or job?

I have 5 very simple criteria for my soul mate:

  1. He is single
  2. I find him mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually attractive
  3. He finds me mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually attractive
  4. We’re there for each other through good and bad
  5. Mutual respect – neither of us is better or worse than the other we are fully formed adults with past lives that we might or might not want to discus but moving forward we are equal in the relationship

Not exactly a huge long list is it!

I don’t need him to complete me, to be my protector, to save me from fire breathing dragons or be by my side 24/7.  I don’t care if he wears designer suits or combat boots so long as he likes what he’s doing.  I don’t need to know where he is 24/7 so if  travels for work or get’s deployed for months at a time it’s not going to bug me.  I’d worry about him and if he’s deployed I’d send regular care packages but I’m not going to expect constant text or phone contact.  I’m secure enough as a fully formed adult to not feel threatened if he shows another human being affection and I expect him to respect and trust me the same way.

So why am I still single?

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I’m out of ideas!

As you would have noticed I haven’t written for this blog site for a while.  It’s not because I’m lazy it was because I was a little busy trying to fix my mental, physical and emotional health problems.  Why did I stop the whole husband hunt side of things while I was doing this?  I realised while having a massive mental health crisis that there wasn’t much point in husband hunting to find someone who’d love me if I didn’t even really like me let alone love myself.

As it turns out I’m high functioning autistic with communication difficulties and co-morbid ADHD so fixing me isn’t going to happen but learning to love me as me has happened.  Medication for the ADHD means I can now sit still for more than 2 minutes and have a conversation without it taking a huge amount of effort to stay on topic.  No medication will help with my autism but behavioural therapy is helping me learn that emotionally and mentally I’m wired a little differently so I’m never going to be “normal”, which is fine and I’m leaning better coping skills, social skills and how to not make stupid chaos making decisions.  If you want full details on the whole autistic side of my life go read The Cutting Cookies Circus my blog all about my diagnostic journey and autistic view of life.

So I’m now closing in on 18 months of being in the care of my amazing Psychiatrist and 14 months of working with my incredibly paitent Psychologist for behavioural therapy.  I’ve started my own business Aunty Emz Blankets started joining social networks with the help of my business buddy Crystal C & A Beauty By Design both to meet people and to build business contact here on the Sunshine Coast, joined 2 book clubs and so on and so forth.  Basically I’ve started to build a life here on the Sunshine Coast and for the foreseeable future I will be staying here so I decided it was time to put my big girl panties on and gratefully glide back into the dating world.

As you’ve probably guessed by the title of this blog I’ve hit a bit of a glitch with my plan to gracefully glide back into the dating world as a fully formed, loving thy self goddess that I am.

WHATS THE PROBLEM

I have no idea how to find eligible bachelors to date on the Sunshine Coast!

  • Bar/Pub/Club – ah no because I don’t drink alcohol, I’m autistic and frankly if you’re over 30 and still looking for husband material in bar/pub/club you are in all probability going to end up with an alcoholic fuck-wit or a toy boy looking for a sugar mama
  • Match Maker (Relationship Consultancy Service) – they either no longer exist because they’ve been wiped out by the Online versions or the Sunshine Coast doesn’t have any I’m not sure which but either way I can’t find even one to go talk to.
  • Internet Dating Sites/Mobile Apps – The free to use ones are frankly shit I know I’ve tried most of them and if I’m going to pay for the privilege of been sent on bad dates I at least want the ability to walk into an office and talk to a living, breathing human about improving the process.
  • Speed Dating – not one speed dating company runs any events on the Sunshine Coast.  Closest event I can find is in Brisbane (roughly 2 hours south of where I live) so the event might cost $20 to attend but add in petrol, parking, post event stress triggered therapy and I’d be looking at upwards of $150 in real costs.  Plus if I did actually make a mutual match with an eligible bachelor he’d be living anywhere from 2 to 4 hours drive away from where I live so not exactly a good start (especially when you’re unemployed yet again and petrol is around $1.25 to $1.38 a litre).
  • MeetUp Groups – yeah nah one thing I’ve learnt about being autistic is I am never going to be comfortable with meeting a whole bunch of new people at once and unfortunately all my girl pals here on the coast are not single so they can’t join and come as my security blanket. Plus looking at the age groups at 43 I’m in the no group for you range.  I did look and found social single groups for 25-35, 30-40 and 50+ all of which make a point if telling you that you must show proof of age when first attending and if you’ve fib on your application and are too old/young for the group you’ve attempted to join you’ll be removed from the group and blocked from their social media sites.
  • Table For 6 (or similar) – ummmm no for a couple of reasons like cost because you have to pay either a 6-12 month membership fee plus you pay for your meal every time you attend an event.  I’m currently unemployed (again) and the Aunty Emz Blankets as yet isn’t making money so what little money I have is being spent on things like food, petrol, medication, Psychiatrist visit and other things I need to stay alive and healthy.  Plus when you start digging into the T&Cs they state that even though you’ve faithfully paid your 6 or 12 month membership fee there is no guarantee you’ll ever actually get a spot on a table in the time period of your membership it all depends on the amount of people in the age group they will put you in so to many or to few in your age group and you miss out on a spot.
  • Team Sport or Group Anything – do not even go there people I’m autistic I don’t do TEAM or GROUP anything.  Hell I even have a mini panic attack turning up to my pilate classe at CGM Pilates and I’ve been going there for 2 months so it’s not like I’ve never met my class mates or instructor before I see them every week.

So I’m 100% out of ideas – please feel free to comment with suggestions, advice and possible good ideas oh hell even possibly bad ideas would be welcome at this point in time.

 

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Tinder Scam Profiles – Always “I’m deployed”

I’ve been playing  on Tinder now for a couple of months and although it has gotten better there is still Scammer Profiles that pop up.  Part of me being me is that I have a near photographic memory and I find patterns in information it’s what made me very very very good in my career as an Information Management specialist.

The below is just my opinion and it’s specific to male profiles since I’m not bi or gay  my Tinder profile is set as “Female Looking For Male” so I have no idea what female scammers do.

The male scammer profile has a tendency to be as follows.

  1. Limited to one photo – occasionally 2
  2. Photo will be some guy in a Military Uniform, if there is 2 photos one might be in normal clothes (scammers are getting smarter about this)
  3. Profile location will be a gazillion kilometres away from you to make it look like they are deployed
  4. They don’t list qualifications
  5. They have some vague description of job like “Engineer in Deployed Location”
  6. Normally in the age range of 35 to 45 (that could possibly just be my preference settings)
  7. They will tell you their marital status is one of 3 things (this normally comes up in conversation after they figure out which one is more likely to push you sympathy button)
    • Widowed (less popular these days)
    • Recently divorced because she couldn’t handily his job
    • Single forever because his job makes it impossible to get a relationship going
  8. Their profile “about me” will be very generic but not really tell you a whole lot apart from probably hight, lonely, deployed etc.
  9. The topic of children will not be on the “about me” because they want to find out if either you have kids, want kids or don’t have/don’t want.

They used to just flat out after the first “hi how are you” ask for your KiK, Whats App, email, mobile number or whatever but they’ve got a bit smarter and now do a bit of digging to see if you’re a suitable target.

The script seems to go something like this:

  •  “Hi I’m so glad we matched I real like your profile”
  • “How long have you been on Tinder”
  • “I’ve only just started on Tinder this week still trying to get an idea of how it works” (they are hoping you haven’t seen their profile for the last 6 months and clicked NO)
  • “How long have you been single” (e.g. how desperate are you to be in a relationship and how easy are you to hook into a scam)
  • “Do you have children” – followed by “do you want kids, I’ve always wanted kids, my x has my kids and won’t let me see them”
  • “Where do you live” (normally asked so if you give them your phone number they know what country code to plug in because most people don’t think to give that info when suppling a mobile number)
  • “What do you do for a living”
  • “Have you ever communicated with a soldier”

At this point in time they normally vanish off my profile so I have no idea what comes next but I’m guessing it’s

  • “We’re really not supposed to use these types of apps while deployed can I talk to you via Facebook, KiK, Whats App, Email or text to your phone”

Why do they stop talking to me, delete our perfect match and block me – I used to work for Defence and I still have my security clearance and I love saying things like.  “Oh I’ve got lots of soldiers I talk to online because I worked for Defence, which when you think about it makes it easier for us because if we do start dating it’ll be really easy to cross-reference your security clearance” and POOF INSTANTLY THEY VANISH.

I’ve also had them instantly vanish when I ask things like

  • “you just told me you work for the US Army why does your profile pic have you in a UK Royal Marines Uniform”
  • “If you are in the USMC why are you wearing an Army Uniform”
  • “If you are deployed in XYZ province why are you on Tinder, doesn’t it breach the current communication restriction rules”
  • “If Tinder isn’t allowed because it has a GPS location component why would you be allowed to use FaceBook, KIK, Whats App they all have the same GPS algorithm”

As I said this is just my opinion but “I’m a deployed soldier” seems to be the latest hook for women looking for a nice guy on things like Tinder.  Personally it really shits me off because I do have friends who are or have been deployed in war zones around the globe and lack of ability to communicate with the outside world can do some serious damage to their mental health and make them feel incredibly isolated.

So next time you’re chatting to a supposedly deployed soldier offer to become a pen pal and ask for his snail mail address or his military e-mail address.  If they are a scammer snail mail will be rejected instantly and you’ll probably get offered a @gmail or @hotmail email address.  Instantly plug the email address into google and see if it pops on any scam sites, they tend to be remarkably dumb about changing addresses.

 

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#Embrace, Uncategorized

#Embrace (Body Image Movement)

On 12 September 2016 I along with 300 (or more) other people I went to see the documentary called #Embrace made by Taryn Burmfitt who has created an entire movement based off it called Body Image Movement.

#Embrace was an awesome documentary about women’s relationships with their own bodies and how mostly women’s emotions toward their bodies ranges between dislike and total self loathing.  The message of the documentary and the Body Image Movement is to learn to love yourself as you are.  You don’t need to be thinner, taller, blonder, bigger bobbed, bigger assed, smaller feet, straight haired, non-glasses wearing or anything else you think is wrong with you, so long as you are fit and healthy you are perfect.

The documentary really does bring home some surprising facts like girls as young as the 5 to 12 age group want to diet because they think they are to fat and they see how obsessive other female relatives are about body weight.  That within a short space of time of western TV programs, movies and magazines ending up in cultures that liked bigger bodied women  it rapidly changed to thin=attractive.  That the message being pushed these days is no longer active=healthy but that thin=health, which is not true you can be a size 22 and be fitter and healthier than someone starving themselves to be a size 10.  Most women are in a healthy weight range between size 12 to size 16 but this is now being labelled as PLUS SIZE for models and clothing.

Mia Freedman is scathing about how when she put out an issue of one of the big name magazines she was chief editor for the photographer wouldn’t put his name on the work, the makeup artist made the apprentice do it, no clothing supplier in Australia would supply products because no one wanted their brand associated with a FAT issue of the magazine.  The models she was trying to cloth were size 12 and she calls it the fashion industries dirty little secret that they are happy to charge more money for “bigger sizes” but they don’t want those clothes put in a magazine.  She goes on to point out that the argument that “women want to only see blond, skinny models” in magazines is crap and can be proven because women are now voting with their wallets and magazine sales are tanking.

However the whole thing did get me thinking about me and my relationship to my body, which at best could be described as “invisible”.  I don’t look in mirrors or weigh my self and so long as my clothes fit I don’t mentally punish myself for not being a size 12 with DD cups and a gap between my thighs.  Oddly I’m not shy about taking my clothes off in a room full of people (ask my friends and they’ll tell horror stories of changing in a store because the fitting rooms were full or getting kicked out of a bar for stripping while dancing on a table).  However put me on a one-on-one intimate relationship setting and suddenly all my insecurities emerge (I’m to fat, my boobs are to small, my ass is to big etc) which might explain why I don’t do one night stand or casual sex I have to trust you before I’m going to get naked with you.

It also got me thinking about other things to do with “Body Image”.  The first one is to do with my religious beliefs.  For those of you who don’t know I’m a practicing Green Witch and have been well most of my life really.  Now considering witch and wicca are mother goddess based belief systems one would think it would be ok to be zaftig (that’s a nice way of saying bigger).  Yeah na I am yet to find one wicca or witch based site that has realistic pictures of witches.  Every frigging site has the fantasy art or photoshopped sexy seductress witch with teeny tiny waist, big boobs, legs up to her armpits and very little clothing on and it is really starting to piss me off to be honest.  You look at any goddess figure from ancient times and she was round and curvaceous and zaftig not some fantasy art Lara Croft doll made up in the imagination of some prepubescent male who’s idea of “woman” = “Barbie”.

The second one is a lot more personal and it hit me today that I’m really really really self conscious about it and goddess love my family but they’ve managed to make me even more self conscious than I used to be about it.  I drool in my sleep and I snore, which lets face it isn’t romantic but it is human.  I can’t do anything about either of these things they are what they are but I’m now so self conscious about them I’m petrified to fall asleep on things like planes and the thought of staying over some guys house or him staying over mine and discovering this horrid thing about me is absolutely mind numbingly painful.  Today while flying down to Sydney from Brisbane I was exhausted and as per normal on a flight I dropped off but the minute I started to really sleep I’d snap awake because I was petrified I’d start snoring.  According to my family we’re not talking a dainty little purring snore its kind of more like being roared at by a T-Rex less than an inch from your face.  I have no idea how I’m going to come to terms with this bit of me that I loath but I’m going to try.

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Poodle Vs Wolf Debate

For once I actually decided to read my September 2016 (Issue 253) of Marie Claire Australia instead of just skipping to the beauty section and I found an article called “Are you a Poodle or a Wolf”.  The content is apparently an editorial extract from a book called “You’ll Grow Out of It” by Jessi Klein a stand up comedian and writer based in the USA.

The book was published in July 2016 and debate about Poodle Vs Wolf has been raging every since according to my google search.  For those that have no idea what I’m talking about the very simple explanation is Poodles and Wolves share 99% of the same gene pool so technically are the same species but they are totally different creatures.  Women are the same we all share basically the same XX chromosomes but we are vastly different creatures and we fit one of two types (Poodle or Wolf):

Poodle – always elegantly graceful, alway wear the right clothes, total self confidence that they are the most beautiful woman in the room, turns up late to everything because they are the centre of their own universe, even at the gym they don’t sweat and so on.

Wolf: never quite dressed right for the occasion because fashion is irrelevant to their life, sweats at the gym and comes away looking hot and irritated, life of the party because they are approachable and funny, if their late it’s because they were busy with their kids or other responsibility, generally as a rule not the centre of their own universe.  Can if pushed dress up to look like a Poodle and behave like one but they’re really not comfortable in that role.

Me personally I think she got it slightly wrong.  I think you can divide women into 3 types of Canine varieties as follows:

poodlePrancers e.g. Poodles: always elegantly graceful, alway wear the right clothes, total self confidence that they are the most beautiful woman in the room, turns up late to everything because they are the centre of their own universe, even at the gym they don’t sweat.  However they tend to me needy and don’t like to be left on their own very much.

pulisf4Domestics e.g. Puli:  Tend to be outward not inward focused on their job, family or community.  Incredibly loyal to their family and naturally suspicious of strangers they will furiously defend their territory.  They are comfortable in their own skin so it’s not that they don’t care about fashion they just know what they feel comfortable in.  They’d much rather spend 20 minutes talking to their kids, spouse or family than slapping on makeup.  It doesn’t make them any less female and if pushed they’ll turn themselves into a poodle for a good reason but they’re happy to let everyone know this is not their day to day nature.  They are also amazingly good communicators who seem to know exactly the right thing to say at the right time in any situation.

flat550x550075fWolves: These ladies are a completely different bread altogether.  They might have the XX Chromosome but they like wolves will never be mistaken for either a Prancer or Domestic.  They might or might not bother to dress up for an event because they literally don’t care what anyone thinks of them.  They naturally radiate an intense level of energy.  Most people male or female feel uncomfortable around a wolf because she’s not trying to join in she’s studying them maybe in amusement or maybe to get an understanding of the group dynamic. The one thing she wolves have in common with other women is with Domestics and their devotion to their pack (family). Pity the Poodle who makes a play for a she wolfs man as that is when you truly see what an apex predatory is capable of.

I’m going to put my hand up and freely admit to being a She Wolf to my bones, which might explain why I’m still single.  After all it takes an equally as strong He Wolf to be able to live with a She Wolf we tend to be intense and a little scary.

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